When considering the question of coming out, I think there are 4 really important considerations: 1) What are your reasons for coming out? Is it to open yourself up to the process of being yourself? Let's face it- if you're hiding something from the people around you- it's hard to feel natural and comfortable. You wonder how people will respond when they find out the truth. You worry about being discovered. It prevents you from moving forward in communication, in expressing your interests, in being true to yourself in relationships. So if that's your motivation- that sounds like it's very positive. It can also allow you to see where people really stand and who you can really count on. Being accepted when you're a little different is a litmus test for friendship. If you have to be the way others want you to be, that's not really friendship. 2) What's going to be gained? Other gay people may feel more comfortable with you once you've accepted that about yourself and are openly expressing it. It will probably make it easier to get involved in relationships with other gay people. It will give your straight friends a chance to identify that they like you for being you. It will also give your same sex straight friends a sense of comfort: they know where you stand, they know you're not hiding things from them, they know that you can still like and appreciate them even though they're straight and you're gay. 3) What's going to be lost? Yes, there will be people whose opinion of you will change. Certain family members may need time to adjust. You're going to leave yourself more open to homophobia, to people who are simply uncomfortable, and even to well meaning people whose religious beliefs prevent them from getting past your being gay. 4) How ready are you to handle the new pressures that will come? You're going to have to come out to somebody at some point. Do you feel okay with it? Has your religious training made you feel that it's offensive to God? Will you be able to handle the shame and guilt that certain people will try and make you feel? I believe it's important that you come to terms with it yourself before you look to others for acceptance and support. You have a certain amount of control over yourself but other people can be shockingly insensitive. Once you're okay with yourself as a gay person- then you can handle the negative feelings that will likely come your way. I think it's very important that you accept that people feel the way the feel about homosexuality for reasons that have very little to do with you. Their upbringing might impact their thinking and even if they genuinely like and respect you- they might not always be able to get past their training. I recommend continuing to love others even when they fail miserably at accepting you. Obviously there are other factors but I hope this might be of some benefit to you... Tim
Just wanted to mention that the many brave souls on this board who have come out have a far more personal and ultimately far more valuable perspective than my own. Most of my thoughts are based on logic and reason while theirs are based on personal experience. I think personal experience is a far more reliable barometer of things than what I can offer here. However, I hope my post creates enough discussion to help out with the thought process. The leaders of this board have my admiration & respect for the wonderful job they are doing. Tim
Thank you for that post. I tried coming out to my parents last year in November, it went okay, but we haven't talked about it since Christmas when I was last home. I have been thinking of sort of coming out to them again and this article helped solidify that. I think because of their reaction, I kinda started second guessing myself and this year has done nothing to make me more accepting of myself although I am finally starting to come around) and the more I realize that the more depressed I become.
Yep. Pretty much all of those things went through my head when I decided to come out to my friends. I was getting so stressed out from lying to everyone and keeping this big 'secret' from them. It didn't help that people were constantly trying to set me up with their male friends either, or having relatives ask if I had found that special guy yet. I also started getting really angry. And I mean almost puching walls angry because I didn't know how to deal with what was happening & didn't have anyone to turn to. I had been in denial for so long, that when I finally realised that I was gay, I didn't know what to do. So the main reason for me coming out was to relieve all the pressure I had been feeling. It was in the best interest of my mental health to own up & get it off my chest because I knew I was struggling to keep it inside. Of course I also considered that I would have a better chance finding that special someone if I came out as well. I figured the longer I hide who I am, the harder it would be to find a partner. Unfortunately I'm still single, but it's still only early stages, so have a long time ahead of me The fear of other people's reactions affects everyone. I was so scared about coming out and being judged or rejected. Since coming to this site, I have realised that although there are some negatives reactions, they appear to be relatively small cases amongst all of the coming out stories here. So far, I have had good responses from my friends, even though I've only told a few. Only one friend doesn't want to talk about it & thinks I'm confused about my direction in life. But I don't expect everyone to be accepting & I guess I will deal with the negative when it comes. To be honest, I haven't really been affected by much pressure at present. I'm not saying that I feel my life is going to be easier now that I've accpeted my sexuality. But I've started to care less what other people think. Which to me , is a good thing. I spent so much time and effort pretending to be someone I wasn't in order to 'fit in', that I feel that it's time for me to be more me. I do still get depression sometimes though. And I feel that my sexuality has something to do with that.
