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those tricky questions...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GoBabyGoGo, Oct 13, 2010.

  1. GoBabyGoGo

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    how do you answer them? when your bf/gf asks, am i the hottest guy/girl that you have ever met? do you like what im wearing? do you like my art? do you like my art more or less than (mutual friend)? is honesty really the best policy?
     
  2. Lexington

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    My married (straight) friend likes to answer these questions with (I kid you not) "Whatever the right answer is". That's both funny and cuts to the heart of the question - "you don't want an honest answer - you want validation". I'll usually work on being both honest AND validating if at all possible.

    "Am i the hottest guy that you have ever met?"
    "I wouldn't say you're the hottest guy on the planet, no. But there's nobody I'm more attracted to."

    "Do you like what I'm wearing?"
    "I like the effect it has on you. You obviously like it, and it makes you look happier."

    "Do you like my art?"
    "Did you make the art for me? Or did you make the art for you? You obviously worked really hard bring that thing to life, and I think you have every right to be damn proud of it."

    "Do you like my art more or less than (mutual friend)?"
    ...Sorry, I can't even picture him saying this one. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. GoBabyGoGo

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    Thanks Lex! :slight_smile:

    Funny enough, my bf did actually ask me that last question just the other night. I was telling him how amazing a friend of mine is at singer-songwriting on guitar, and that my bf will have to listen to him sometime. he then asked me if i thought this friend was better than himself.

    i delayed slightly in my reply (trying to think of a good answer, because i honesty thought that my friend was better but i wasnt going to say that outright). I said that both of their styles were so totally different that its really difficult to compare. i said that i really really liked both, and also that music is so subjective, you cant say that one persons style is any *better than the other persons.

    oops. too much explanation. 'you prefer his style dont you?'

    me: 'ummm, it does connect a little bit more to me personally, thats not to say that he is any better than you. i can tell you obviously have a natural talent for music'

    then he got all sooky on me! saying that he knows people dont appreciate his music and he knows its shit and that he'll have to work harder, etc, etc, all the while im there saying 'no! i think its good! i didnt say i didnt like it, i said i really liked it!' blah blah blah

    did i say the wrong thing? what was he looking for in asking me that?

    the same sort of thing happened with the first question a while ago. do i have to say that hes the most amazing person in the world in every respect?
     
  4. x2x2x2x2y2

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    I usually just smile and stay quiet. Then wait for the awkward moment to pass. My answer is pretty obvious but I don't feel guilty because technically I didn't say anything. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Lexington

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    >>>what was he looking for in asking me that?

    Validation. He was probably feeling down on himself, and was fishing for compliments. Unfortunately, people can be pretty crappy about doing so, and ask questions that pretty much tie you in knots. When that happens, it's best not to answer the question asked, and instead address the underlying reasons for it being asked. So if he says "Do you think this guy is better than me?", you might say "Why do you ask? You're really good at what you do, he's really good at what he does, and you both really love doing it."

    >>>the same sort of thing happened with the first question a while ago. do i have to say that hes the most amazing person in the world in every respect?

    Again, address the underlying reason for the question. He's feeling insecure about himself. He wants to be validated. He wants to feel attractive. And given that, being brutally honest won't help ("no, other guys are hotter") since it'll just erode his self-esteem more. And flat-out lying ("I've never seen a guy sexier than you") won't help much, because he probably will see through that. Instead, be honest, but emphasize the part that'll help his self-esteem. "Objectively, sure, there are guys out there who are probably more attractive than you. But see, there's nobody out there I'm more ATTRACTED to. And there's nobody I'd rather BE with than you." Say it with tenderness, and a kiss afterwards. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. Kevin42

    Kevin42 Guest

    You know, situations like this might be able to be avoided altogether if you frequently give positive feedback on a person's appearance, dress, etc. without being asked. Then, you can avoid having to worry about whether or not to lie about the fact that they are the hottest person in the world. Instead, you can just frequently comment about how cute his hair looks, or how attractive those jeans are on him, or how sexy it is when he doesn't shave for a couple of days. Little things like that. This way, you are not lying at all and perhaps you can give them enough confidence and validation so that they don't ask these types of questions.

    That being said, in the relationship with my boyfriend, we are both aware that we are NOT the sexiest people on earth. However, I know my boyfriend is sexually and emotionally attracted to me and he knows I feel the same way about him. For us, this is enough, and I don't think we ever run into these kinds of situations.