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science

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jacobjake23, Oct 17, 2010.

  1. jacobjake23

    jacobjake23 Guest

    so im finally looking into who i am, the problem is ive had a cousin that almost came out and my family flipped out, kinda disowned him kinda thing. what sucks even more is that i dont know if i am gay or not or if im just tormented from my past. i had a family friend that touched me when i was younger but i never stopped him. turned out he got arrested for child molestation and is still in jail. on top of that my mom used to be very close to me when i was really young. more of a touching way, she would wake me up by spooning me when i was like 3. in college i was drugged by a guy and he did stuff to me, i wont go into details but i was able to know what was going on but couldn't do anything about it.

    so ive been interested in pursuing a guy though the couple times ive talked to a guy i get too weirded out and end up getting really depressed and just want to go home.

    so any advice on that would be helpful but the main thing is that ive talked to this guy and he was looking into a place that actually believes that gay attraction can be cured or is just a chemical imbalance in the body, thats the other thing im interested in.



    my main issue is i can't feel happy being with a girl, and i get freaked out talking to a guy, so its like im in limbo. being in limbo in any situation will drive anyone crazy, for years its tormented me. ive talked to lgbt and still get freaked out. im beginning to think the only solution is to get my mind 'straight'

    i want the torment to stop. too many years this is going on.



    -on a side note, october 20th, wear purple for the young people that were bullyed to the point of taking their own life, 3 million strong on facebook support it
     
  2. Jim1454

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    Hi there and welcome to Emptyclosets.

    I don't think you're going to find anyone here who believes that our orientation can be changed through some kind of treatment or chemical re-balancing. We are who we are, and we feel better and better about ourselves as we are able to accept who we are.

    You're coming from a situation where you don't think you'll be supported. You've clearly received the message that "Gay = Bad". So you're naturally having trouble accepting it and getting comfortable with it. And THAT is likely why you can't get to know a guy without being 'weirded out'.

    The other thing to consider is the context in which you're talking to these other guys? Very often guys in the closet are reaching out to other guys for sex. Is that what you meant by 'pursue'?

    Instead, I'd suggest just trying to get comfortable with yourself. Hanging out here in EC is a great start. It certainly helped me at the time. You'll find that we're a pretty awesome bunch. And if we can all be awesome while at the same time being gay, then you can be awesome too - even though you're gay. Up until now you've received the message that you can't be awesome if you're gay - but that's simply not true. It just takes a while to change that mindset.

    Another way to get comfortable with it is to just stop questioning it. Maybe you're gay, maybe you aren't. But for the next 2 months, assume that you're gay. Don't tell anyone if you don't want to. But to yourself, consider yourself gay. Allow yourself to check out hot guys. Allow yourself to not be that interested in hot women. You might be surprised how much better you can feel about yourself if you can drop all the 'negative internal messaging' that can go on inside our heads.

    There's no hurry to have this all figured out either. Take your time.

    Good luck! Again - welcome to EC. I'm sure you'll find it helpful here.
     
  3. jacobjake23

    jacobjake23 Guest

    thanks for that, i have been talking to a guy that seems to be in the same situation i am and it looks like we may figure things out together which i really like, im almost obsessing over it, because i think that it may be too good to be true that there is someone in my same situation that i can relate too and go through all of this together


    i dont know about considering myself gay for a couple weeks and checking out guys, the field i work in is very anti and it would definitely cause issues. i dont know, we'll see how things pan out, ill keep you all updated so you all can give me advice? sorry if some of this doesn't make sense, some of my roommates made me do some shots and thats when most of this comes out (atleast in my head)
     
  4. stad90

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    I totally get it-- I live in a very conservative household, where homosexuality is very much frowned upon. On top of that, I work at a job where my opportunities for promotions are a lot lower if I were to come out.

    As for the things in the past--you might want to try talking with a counselor or professional. Just getting out the things that happened in the past and how it affected you might release all the tension and stress that may be causing discomfort in the dating world.

    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  5. jacobjake23

    jacobjake23 Guest

    is it possible that i am only having these feelings because of things i went through when i was younger?

    the guy that messed with me in college is a friend of a friend and now openly gay. hes come out to the bar a couple times and acts like nothing happened but i get really weird around him (obviously right?) i want to confront him about it but im also terrified of doing so.

    i dont know, lately theres been so much going on my life and i feel like its all based around me trying to figure this out. being in limbo sucks. i know repressing things arent good to do either but i cant IMAGINE how i would talk to someone about any of this in person, on here, its ok i guess
     
  6. Connor22

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    ok jacob first off hi and second off NO the feelings you are feeling were not caused by something that happened when u were younger, it's simply a part of who you are, don't beat yourself up over them, explore them, think to yourself what do I enjoy, what do I not enjoy? but don't let it hold you back, remember that your sexuality only makes up a small part of you, theres still so much more to you.
     
  7. Leon481

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    First of all welcome to the forums.:smilewave

    I'm not an expert on the subject, but I'm inclined to think that your attraction to guys is probably not a direct result of your bad experiences. It seems to me that with experiences like those, the most likely effect would be repulsion to other guys, not attraction.

    The way you describe it, you are wary of other guys, but you also want a relationship with one. I would guess the wariness is more an effect of your experiences than the attraction.

    Like I said though, I'm not an expert. In the end, it's something you're going to have to look inside yourself to find out. We're all willing to do whatever we can to help you figure things out.

    Also, as far as straight therapy goes, from everything I've heard and read, on average it tends to do more harm than good in the long run. There are far better ways of dealing with these issues.

    In the end, I don't think it really matters what made you attracted to guys, no matter if it was psychology or biology. The only important question when it comes to sexuality is, where do I feel happiest, with a guy or girl? If you can figure that much out, the rest should fall into place.
     
  8. James2612

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    Hey,
    What every one ha said above is great advice so i wont repeat what they have said. The only thing i would like to comment on is the following

    i had a family friend that touched me when i was younger but i never stopped him.
    The fact that you did not stop says nothing about you in regards to your sexuality, and just because you didnt stop it, dont mean that you wasnt a victim of some thing wrong. This should not have happened to you, and none of this was yoru fault.

    I hope you work every thing out. Just remember that your past experiences can not make you gay, but it may affect the way you feel about being gay.
     
  9. jacobjake23

    jacobjake23 Guest

    no i feel it was my fault, i know for a fact hes still in jail because he recorded things he did with other boys

    i remember when i found out and when my parents found out, my dad took my older brother and me aside and asked us, he was so furious and i didn't know what to do and i said nothing happened, mainly because i just always acted like it was nothing in the first place

    i remember when he started flirting with me and asking what things i liked to do but then he steadily started touching and, you can finish the rest

    i think because i was so young i didn't think it was wrong but rather weird, but then once my parents found out they expressed how wrong it was so i think thats stuck in my head.
     
  10. jacobjake23

    jacobjake23 Guest

    i need some help, ive been good since november but for some reason i just had a relapse into this whole depression thing. to be honest i have completely ignored the whole fact that i may be gay but then i try and find a reason for why i would be this way and then comes up my childhood and then starts the drinking, ive started drinking wine in tribute to a guy i met that loved wine. but yea i dont know. im lost. i had a girlfriend and i started just pushing her away and she did not take it well. i dont think any suspects that i may be gay..its like i constantly feel like im drowning or something and i usually just find something to distract me (a new girl) until i get tired of her. im horrbile i know. :eusa_shhh
     
  11. Artemicion

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    Can't help much here, but there is something i think you have to see the difference between being gay and being a pedophile...
     
  12. Bryan90

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    Since your subject matter is 'science'. Let's apply the scientific method. So let's ask ourselves a few analytical question:

    1. How important is it to know what caused your feelings for men today? If it is true that your past caused it, would you feel any happier? If not, would you?

    2. Key question: Suppose that your feelings for men and women won't be changing (more likely than not, but you could be the few exceptions), would you rather learn to love a man or learn to live happily with a woman? (Some 'gay' men do prefer living the straight lifestyle and are happier that way, and that's fine if you feel that you rather live that way.)

    These are questions that you basically have to decide on before deciding what actions you should take.

    And you don't need to give 'absolute' answers to these questions, I mean your answers can change from time to time, but you should at least ask yourself these questions to get a clearer idea of what you really want right now.

    ALL THE BEST!
     
  13. jacobjake23

    jacobjake23 Guest

    i think my main issue is not knowing and feeling like i have no control. i can be with a guy and i can be with a girl and be real happy with either but ive gone eventually crazy after a while, with both either way.

    i dont know, why is this so confusing, wheres the reset button on sexuality so i can go one way and not be attracted to both. freaking annoying is what it is.

    im sure some of you may read my posts as im an annoying idiot or something but i can never but thoughts together logically and understandably well on this subject, sorry
     
  14. Bryan90

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    Emotional thoughts are usually very messy and 'non-logical'. Some people attempt to break down the mess and place them together logically (me); while others prefer not to do so and use other methods like the 'play by ear' approach or the 'wait for further development' approach. In the end, it's whatever you're most comfortable with.

    But anyway, theoratically, we have no control over a lot of things, and one of the main things is our emotions. So you'd have to learn how to be comfortable with that. I did spend the last 20 years of my life battling my emotion, and although I have improved significantly, I still consider myself having no control over them. So you might just need to make yourself comfortable with the fact that sometimes you have no control.

    And maybe entertain the idea that it's fine to be attracted to both sexes?
     
  15. jacobjake23

    jacobjake23 Guest

    my gay friend said theres no such thing as bisexual people, theyre greedy people that dont know theyre all the way gay yet

    it made me laugh
     
  16. Steve712

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    Here are some videos on the topic:

    [YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1u-7jW7opc[/YOUTUBE]

    [YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7aUlWjPZVw[/YOUTUBE]

    [YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZWqQNRAoKY[/YOUTUBE]
     
  17. Holmes

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    I'll add a few things. It's not at all uncommon, going by the forum here, for hormones to go all over the place, back and forth, in the teenage male, and settle down around your age. It was my own experience, until it all made sense to me that I was gay two years ago.

    There is very little evidence of sexuality being caused by childhood events. As a general theory, it's been long dismissed.

    You should consider a therapy session, even just once off, to get stuff off your chest, it sounds like it would be good for you to talk through it. I've gone to a few over much less.

    There are some men who remain comfortably bisexual after 25, but they're very rare. They do exist.

    Don't come out to your family if you're worried about them until you're in a comfortable stage in your own life and are sure have some sort of support network who you've told as well. There's no obligation to rush this.

    And that first video clip is pretty comprehensive, I'll have to use it myself sometime.
     
  18. knight of ni

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    Ignore that gay friend. There are bi people, whether he believes in them or not! It will probably be difficult, but you could try just not labelling yourself at all. Not straight, not gay, not bi, not anything... just you. You like who you like, you want relationships with the people you want relationships with, period. If trying to figure out who you are and what to call yourself is a problem, maybe just putting it on hold for a while would help you feel more in control.

    And I think Holmes has a good suggestion. If you can find a good psychiatrist or councilor to talk to, even once or twice, to discuss some of this stuff with, then I think that might really help. Just talking about stuff helps, and they'll have the training to help the process along.

    And, of course, people at EC are glad to help, too!
     
  19. jacobjake23

    jacobjake23 Guest

    i talked to an online one before a couple times though it just made me into an angry person, plus they were trying to push this camp or something st blah blah or some religious name where you go and they make you straight. i thought, hmm i may be gay but i dont want anyone to know. so lets just go to straight camp for a month and not tell anyone where i am, chances are it wont work and then people will still find out im gay. wtf. ha so yea. didn't do that.

    its still so painful. im not even turned on really by gay porn. i think im starting to repress like all sexuality or something. i dont even know what i think about when i masturbate, i think its about having a stress relief. life sucks. whatever.
     
  20. malachite

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