Hi EC! :smilewave I have been reading a lot of the threads on this site for the past 4-5 months and it has helped me greatly in coming to terms with my sexuality. I never thought that I was going to have the strength and the guts to come out to my parents, but I managed to do it, and I have to admit the EC and the great advices and stories from everyone here really were the final push that I needed to overcome my fears. I hope this is not too long, but I like to bring out some of the details because I know that reading other people´s stories really helped me, giving me ideas and inspiration. The first person that I told was my sister, she is the person I trust the most though she lives abroad. It was pretty clear in my mind that she was going to be my safety net so I decided to send her an email explaining everything, she was very accepting and said that nothing was going to change between us and that she loved me no matter what. Of course I felt a huge relief. My new objective became coming out to my parents. At this stage I went from feeling super confident and 100% ready to come out one day to neglecting my feelings and getting paranoid and scared the next, it’s been said countless times but it’s definitely a roller coaster kinda thing. My sister told me that she wasn’t sure how our parents were going to react; in my mind I had a lot of different scenarios ranging from complete acceptance to getting kicked out the house, so yeah it was very unpredictable. On the last third of September I did it. I wrote a letter for each one of my parents, it was at night, my brother was out so I just went for it, I entered their bedroom and told them I needed to talk (we never “talk”, at least not about serious stuff, we tend to deal with personal stuff in private), sat on the bed and asked them If my happiness was important for them, then I handed the letters and pointed out that it was very important to read it all. They started reading as I sat there, when they finished I said that if they had any questions, they were free to ask, they didn’t, so I told them that my sister knew it too, gave them a pflag pamphlet and left the room. 20 minutes later they called me, and when I entered the room my father hugged me and said that I was always going to be his son and that they still loved me (my mother didn’t say anything she just hugged me though she was crying). It was very fast and sort of anticlimactic; I really wasn’t expecting that so I just stood there in shock and smiled The next day my father asked me if I wanted my brother to know about it, I said yes, but then he told me that we shouldn’t tell him (and no one else for that matter) and that it would be best if we just keep this thing to ourselves. Some days later I was talking to my mother and she started crying saying that she felt incredibly guilty, she asked me if someone had done something to me when I was a child, I reassured her that it wasn’t anyone´s fault and that I was completely confident and proud of who I am and that being gay was something natural and that I was happy with my identity, she calmed down and never mentioned anything again. It’s been like a month and a half or something since then, I listened to my dad and decided not to tell anyone else yet, I figured I would just give them time to go pass the shock-period (specially for my mom) and also to show them that just because I’m gay I’m not radically changing the way I am. The thing is I’m not sure why they don’t want me to reveal my sexuality any further, maybe they are afraid of what others may think? Maybe they believe that I’m going to be in danger or exposed to some sort of violence or that I’m going to suffer from major rejection from other people? So to sum up, my parents are in the closet and they want me to stay there with them. I know that I should just talk to them but it’s so hard to bring up the subject, it almost feels like I didn’t come out at all and I don’t want to do or say anything to upset them. On the other hand my sister told me that I should just give them time, but how much? Also I´m not close at all with my brother, I mean we get alone but hardly talk to each other and he is the type of guy who makes gay jokes in jest, his girlfriend and his best friend both have gay siblings so it’s not like something completely alien to him, to be honest I don’t know why my parents think that he will react badly, a long time ago when I was a kid he found some gay sites on my computer, I made a lame excuse and we never talked about it ever again. Am I making a big deal out of this? Am I being impatient? I’m planning on coming out to basically everyone relevant in my life as soon as possible, but before doing that I really want to be sure that my parents are not going to freak out. I haven’t told any of my friends yet but I know that as soon as I do they are going to be completely supportive and probably our friendship will improve so no worries in that aspect. I just can´t wait to start dating guys!!! PS. English is not my first language so sorry if my writing was confusing
ur writing was really good especially considering english isn't your first language but on topic i think if your brother caught the sites on your computer he has known or been suspicious since, no amount of excuses changes that as i dealt with that and my brother already xD just come out to him if your ready to and want to. I think the major fear your parents are having is probably other people knowing and treating you badly as a result. I know my mom nearly had a heart attack when i changed my orientation on facebook cause she thought i was going to get beaten up or something. Moving out should be at the pace your comfortable with. If your worried about your parents that much then when you come out to your brother just let him know your parents didn't want you to tell him and ask him to keep it hush hush. It is hard to move on to coming out to other people if your family doesn't know imo since they where the first ones i let know. Plus better he hears from you than anyone else. Also my mom was very accepting but didn't want me to tell my brothers and both of them are very awesome about it so it is probably some irrational reason they have come up with if they don't want you to tell him.
hahaha with the vocabulary and sentence structure you used i was seriously under the impression that you were an aspiring writer. sounds like you have a pretty solid grip on your life right now actually, and it sounds to me like what you need now is a bit of encouragement to counteract the negativity that you're experiencing. parents can take these things hard, and they do deserve some time to get used to the idea. i think you're right to show them that you're not changing because you're gay and that it's really not a big deal. but you also can't let them forget that you're gay (this is the tough part) because people don't necessarily believe the truth, they believe what they want. so if you let them forget, they may fool themselves into believing that gay was just a phase. the good news is that they realize that they still love you. and that ultimately says they will come around once they've had time to absorb the facts. for now, be patient, keep talking to your sister. it's nice to give your parents time, but it's still your life, so in the end, who you come out to and when is your choice.
I hear you bud. my parent's did the same thing. I moved to another city some time later. It's only thirty miles from them but It was the space I needed to come out. Life is going great, since I moved I've come completely out of the closet and I'm really getting to know myself. That said, I've noticed that as I've gone to visit my parents, we're getting further and further apart. Not just the distance though, (it's only a 25 min drive away), they're extremely wary of anything that doesn't look exactly like they want it to. I've noticed that they're not going to change and that I'm basically just going to have to stick to my own outlets and give them time to figure things out. I've never had the relationship with them that I wanted, but then again, we've always been a crazy, violent, dysfunctional mess to begin with, so I'm not terribly heartbroken over that. My advice is to stay loud and proud here on the forums for now and keep trying to get advice from people with a lot of experience on here. You'd be amazed at what you find after a couple weeks on here. God speed buddy, Pendrin
First of all - welcome to Emptyclosets! I'm glad this site helped you come to terms with this. Also - congratulations for coming out to your sister and your parents. That took a lot of courage. Way to go! Yes - your parents need time to digest this. You've had years to come to terms with it, and they've had a month. It will take time and you'll need to be patient. I came out to my parents when I was 36, and they didn't mention it again for over 4 months. I finally had to bring up the topic again so that I could carry on the conversation - not only was I gay but I was seeing someone. They have eventually come to terms with it and are very accepting. They love my boyfriend and they are happy that I'm happy. At the same time, you aren't responsible for your parents' happiness. They are. Instead, you are respnosible for your own happiness. And if telling your friends would make you feel good - then you should do just that. And if you'd like to tell your brother then go ahead with that as well. Parensts don't always know what is best - especially when you're now 20 years old. Good luck! And again- welcome to EC!
Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate them Yeah I´m pretty sure he has at least considered the possibility. A funny thing, some days ago I was in his car, he was driving and his girlfriend was there, we were talking about non-important stuff when we saw the girlfriend´s sister passing by on the street, I didn´t know her so I asked how old was she, the girlfriend looked at me and said: so you go both ways or what?. I couldn´t believe that she said that but I didn´t say anything. So yeah chances are my brother has talked with his girlfriend about me possibly being gay or bi. Yeah this is something that terrifies me, I don´t know why I have the impression that the longer we spend without talking about it, the faster they are going to just forget it. I guess I have to find a way to start a conversation that would eventually lead to where I want. It´s tough because they get uncomfortable very easily. Thanks! I have vicariously obtained a lot of advice and wisdom from several members here, and yes I hope to be more active in the forum with time. Thanks a lot for your words, I actually haven´t considered this point of view before; I mean my parents happiness is important to me but at the same time I shouldn´t compromise my happiness because of it. They already told me that they love me no matter what; I guess they are just incredibly scared because this is sooo new to them; they haven’t met one single gay person in their lives (theoretically) so it’s understandable that they feel at lost and uncertain about this situation.
Welcome to (the posting side of) EC! I think they simply need time to digest it, and get used to the idea. You've known (or suspected) you were gay for months, if not years. Think back to how you felt back when those thoughts first entered your head. You probably were scared, worrying about "what if people find out", and so forth. In short, the same things your parents are going through. You eventually moved on, and I'm pretty sure that they will, too. It's natural for parents to be a bit paranoid about their child's safety, especially when it comes in a form of "people will attack my child because he's different". It's a parental instinct to protect their children from such things, and it's likely that this is where your parents are coming from. Don't sweat it too much. Just keep them on board with your thought process, and thank them for their support. Lex
The same thing happened to me. My mom wants me to stay closeted at school, to our family, and everyone I don't consider a 'best friend'. Just go with what you think and come out when you want to. Also, don't back away and end up back in the closet by not talking about it at all. Thats what I did, and its tough. My parents ended up thinking it was just a phase... It'll take some time for your parents to get used to it but you'll get there eventually! ♥
Thank you both for the encouragement and positive vibes For the moment I´ll try to make a commitment and mark an specific date to talk about it with them, maybe I´ll just talk to my dad at first, because my mom tends to avoid conversations once she feels uncomfortable. Creating this thread has been cathartic, I don´t get to talk about this (except for my sister but she is not always available, and she doesn´t want me to tell my brother), so you guys probably have a better understanding of where I´m coming from. I´ll keep you posted!(*hug*)
