Okay, I'll set the stage: I'm in a class called Gay Drama. Shockingly, there is no one there who is openly gay. Or openly bi. Not even an open questioning person. We were assigned to read the play Stop Kiss by Diana Son. I sleep through part of my alarm, so I am 10 minutes late to class. I decide to go anyway because it is about time we do a modern female focused play. I come in, apologize, the professor tells me he's happy to have me, and I sit down and listen to the discussion. Soon, the question of "were they lesbians before they met?" came up. Valid question. I bring up the point that I believe sexual orientation is on a continuum. Meaning, it is rare really to be 100% gay or straight. Most people lie somewhere in the middle. I mean, it's not an unheard of theory at all. Then I go on to say how well the author portrays sexuality. I relate back to the text, saying that during the violent attack (giving away some of the play here), the man who attacked the women said... And then I started to cry. The words "can I watch" would not fall from my lips no matter how hard I tried to force it out. It just choked me. I took a moment. The professor told me that I didn't have to repeat the phrase. I ended up saying the phrase and talking about how fascinating that is and how realistic it is. The guy that hates the lesbian may have lesbian fantasies or even porn on his computer. Anyway, I go on, conclude my thought, and the professor to wraps up the lecture. He then goes on to say that this classroom has an element of privacy that is needed and we should be considerate to those in the class when we think about bringing up the topics we spoke of in class. "We had a moment with Valerie", he continued. I nodded, wishing he would stop. I know he just wanted it to be safe for me and comforting. I'm not upset at him at all for doing that. I just wanted the least amount of attention possible. After class, everyone immediately left, expecting the professor and I to talk to one another. I wasn't planning on it, but I felt it was expected now so I did. We walked and I did tell him the truth. I told him all about how I had a girlfriend. For six months. It was heaven and then she broke my heart. We had the nasty comments, too. We had people say "can I watch". Mind you, this confession segment was just between the professor and I. So, technically no other student knows... This is terrible because this is a place with the title "empty closets". I feel like I'm being a hypocrite writing all this here. I thought I was stable with my sexuality and as I look further into it, using my spectrum idea, I'm more on the gay side than the straight. Shoot. Shoot shoot shoot. I must be in a sitcom or something.
I think that its quite common to have problems with your sexuality especially after you think you figured it all out. I must first say that I love your professor, and I doubt that in a class called Gay Drama, any one that signed up would care. But back to you, you should not feel like a hypocrite because something in the play got to you; that's what literature was intended to do. Don't beat yourself up over things like this. We all have our ticks that make us think of our exes. I have a restaurant where we were treated coldly by the staff. I don't like hearing about it, because then I have to explain why I hate it.
Thank you. How lucky am I to even be in a class on Gay Drama, right? The professor is wonderful. A gay man and once a gay student on my campus has gone through a lot himself to establish himself in academia. Literature is fabulous in how much it can really have an impact on you. I hadn't thought of my ex in quite some time, which is why, too, the waterworks were so unexpected. I guess I just don't know where to go from here.
Hi there! I think you are being a bit too hard on yourself. (*hug*) It's great that through participating in the class and immersing yourself in the class material have learned something more about your sexual identity and also about yourself. I can see how your contribution to the class has brought back some memories and it can be hard coming to the realization that maybe there are still things you need to figure out. Try to explore the feelings that you have and maybe try not to label yourself at this stage. Follow your instincts and whatever feels right for you. If you can, I would suggest that you perhaps try to talk to other LGBTs. At times it can be quite helpful to talk about things and listen to other experiences with others who have gone through a similar experience. As hard as it might be, maybe also think a bit more about your ex. It's clear that your relationship with her still evokes strong feelings. These feelings in themselves (even though there are quite a few emotions attached to them) can offer you some clues and insights as well. Take your time in figuring things out and exploring your feelings. Maybe try to take note of your feelings and reactions towards girls and guys. To whom do you feel more attracted to, girls or guys? Are these physical and/or emotional attractions? Take your time in figuring things out though. There is no rush. (*hug*)
I had a moment just like this a few nights ago. Something reminded me of a guy I used to see and it reminded me of how much I felt for him, and how everything went completely wrong. I was talking to a friend about relationships in general and I had to pause for a bit because it felt so arresting when all the hurt came in. Edit..seems like I might have missed the point but Im still reminded =)
I wish there was a larger LGBT group at my college, although I am about to graduate. We have a rainbow alliance, but it is composed of mostly (if not all) straight people. I live, currently, in southern Ohio- so there is not even a gay bar that I am aware of. Nothing. I've felt like I've been interested in girls more than guys for a while now. I just don't know what to do with that information.
You go forwards. First off, "Gay Drama" isn't a course taken by homophobes. It's taken by people who are gay, bi, or at the very least, gay-friendly. So there's perhaps no group you should feel more able to do what you did than there. You might be tempted to try to bury that day and put it all behind you, but I think it's a good jumping-off point. If you know anybody else in the class, feel free to talk to them about it. "I hope I didn't cause too much of a scene in class. I really wasn't expecting that to happen." You don't have to pretend you're totally cool with everything, but I think it's best not to pretend that nothing happened. And what do you do with that bit of info? You absorb it. You update your sexuality to "more gay than bi". And you go looking for another girlfriend if you're in the mood. Lex
Update: wrote my professor a thank you card. It was really sweet of him going the extra mile for me with it. I've been doing a lot of self reflection lately in regards to the whole situation.
Hi there! I think it is good that you have done some self-reflection. Hopefully it is has helped you to start moving forwards. In terms of finding a LGBT group, maybe ask someone at the rainbow alliance if they could provide you with a bit of information or perhaps even provide you with a contact information for a group. Alternatively, you could also contact the closets PFLAG centre and ask them if there is something in your area.
Talked to the president of Rainbow Alliance, turns out I have a conflict during their meeting times- but I'm not on their mailing list so I can go to their events, etc. I haven't asked about PFLAG yet, but I did look up the nearest location and it's over an hour and a half away, which is a bummer for a college kid who uses their feet for transportation.
I just wanted to say, you are not a hypocrite. While yes this site is called Empty Closets, at the same time there are so many people on this site who make up every spectrum of the rainbow, and every type of closet. I myself am out of the closet to almost everyone, but my foot is still trapped in the closet because of my parents. So my dear Valerie, never think you're a hypocrite and know everyone here loves you for who you are
^agreed. Also, stop being so hard on yourself. Think of your sexuality like a math problem. You go through the calculations and come up with an answer, but it's slightly wrong because you rounded Pi. You go back through using the actual value of Pi and get an answer that's close to, but more accurate than, your original answer. If you don't get the analogy say so and I'll think of another one. I have a habit of using weird analogies.
