Confused

Welcome to EC! I've never been in this situation personally (others have, and I'm sure they'll weigh in), but I'll give you my two cents.

I'd say you already made the first move. You've decided to confront the problem rather than keep pushing it down and ignoring it. Starting an account and posting here attests to that. And I think that's excellent. What's next? I'm thinking you'll need to consider your sexuality a bit more.

Are you gay? Bi?
Will you ever feel comfortable having sex with your husband again?
If so, how can you get to that spot?
If not, is it fair to either of you to remain chained to each other?

These aren't answers that will come easily, but I think with some help you can get there. There might be some tears and heartbreak along the way - that's common when something is built on a shaky foundation - but eventually I think everybody will end up in a better spot.

Lex

 

(*hug*) I'm sorry to hear about your predicament. When I was about four my parents got divorced because my dad is homosexual. I think its horrible that a therapist would tell you its just a phase instead of telling you that you should explore your sexuality. No one can tell you what your sexuality is other then yourself. You may be straight, you may be bi, you may be gay, for all I know or anyone else does though you're only what you tell everyone you are.

If you do discover that you're a lesbian:

If you do discover that you are a lesbian then it is my opinion that the best thing to do would be divorce your husband and as soon as possible. Waiting for your children to get older is only going to make it hurt them more. My parents weren't happy, obviously since one of them was gay, and when they got divorced it hurt my brothers, my sister, and I but we got over it. My friend though is 17 and her parents are not happy together. Her dad sleeps on the couch every night and has for years. Its clear to her and her sister that they aren't happy and should no longer be together. My friend has told me many times that she'd be happier if they were apart because it is clear that they're only together for her and her sister and she feels like she's the reason they're in pain. Her parents stay together for them and it actually hurts them more then helps them. My parents split because they knew it wouldn't work and although it was upsetting I'm happy that now they are both with people they love and can be with for the rest of their live. So you see staying together for your kids is not a reason to stay together because it can end up just hurting your children more. Also it isn't very fair to be with your husband if you love him.

My father came out to me when I was about six I think, I may have been younger (I'm not very good with remembering when things happened). My brothers were older when he came out to them and they were crushed. One of my brothers slipped into a bad depression because of it. My sister and I were younger though so we didn't understand why it would be a problem at all. We grew up knowing who are father was and I'm happy we did because my brothers both felt like he lied to to them about who he was and it put a strain on their relationship with him. I should point out that all of my siblings are completely supportive of my father now and none of us ever see sexuality as an important part of someone because we all grew up with a gay father and understand that it doesn't define a person in any way. I'm only bringing this up to point out the fact that you should be honest with your children because anything other then honesty can hurt them.

I hope my advice and story has helped in some way. If not then we'll just have to try another one of these (*hug*)

 

Then maybe this is your time to finally take a lil' for yourself. Everyone deserves to be selfish every once in a while.

Like you said, everyone will be happier in the end. It'll take time, but it'll get better if you're honest. (*hug*)

 

^ This.

http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject Maybe watch some of these videos. A lot of them are very inspirational. (*hug*)

 

A common point that's missed is that what you're doing isn't 100% selfish. Certainly your husband also deserves to have a sex partner that wants to give 100% of herself. You're simply unable to fulfill that.

Let us know how else we can help.

Lex

 

One year ago, I was where you were. I was married with 3 teen age girls and very closeted. I was afraid of coming out to my wife. I was afraid of telling my kids. I was afraid of tearing the family apart.

In the past year, I started working with a therapist, came out to my wife and kids, separated, and we are now preparing to file for a divorce. My wife and I are still on good terms (much better than we have been in years). My kids are all fine. My family hasn't been torn apart. It's just been redefined.

You've got lots to think about and consider, but don't be afraid of taking this path if its the one you choose. Overall, this has been the best thing for me and for my family. I don't regret it at all.

You'll get good advice and help here. Stick around and ask as many questions as you need to. This place helped me more than I ever would have expected.