If I could have anything this Christmas, it would be a bullet to the brain. My life is horrible. Every day drags by at a snails pace, giving plenty of time to get a good look at my life. My conclusion: My life is shit. I hate myself, I hate everything else, I am horribly depressed, but I cant get any help. It is physically impossible for me to reach out to anybody, and when I do break the laws of the universe and talk to someone about it, I dont know what I am to do with what I get. I cant talk to my parents about it, that just isnt the way the world works for me. My friends cant do anything about it, not that I ever talk to them about this sort of thing. When I do get support, well, it isnt even support, it is just useless words. What good are words? I cant do anything with "You are a good person, etc. I am here for you etc." What am I supposed to take away from that? I hate myself; I am a complete moron and I'm doing shit at school, I hate my body, I hate my mind, my personality, everything about me sucks. I can never keep myself busy for more than a few seconds, so I am forced to sit here and watch all this shit slowly eating away at my mind. I have said before, I want to die, but I cant make it happen. I am a coward, and will never be able to end my miserable life. My only wish right now, the only thing I want, or will ever want, is death. I just want it all to stop.
(*hug*)(*hug*) Words are only as powerfull as you let them be. Is there no way you can see a therapist or a school counselor??
Being 16 is not easy for regular kids, and for us it's harder so don't give up. I know anything I might say it can be considered as "useless words" but believe me on something, will you? It gets better. And yeah I know it's sort-of "I heard it all before" but it's sooo true!! It really gets better with time. At times you might feel like gosh, it's the worst, I want to die, believe me I've been there. But you need to find something, on your own, that will help you push through. It can be a TV show, music, a video game, I don't know.... uh... whatever. You might find the happiness you lack in your life maybe in an ice cream cone, or in a song, or in a TV show or a movie, or in exercising, or in jogging or in going out to the park and reading, you call it. Find something little, very little, to rejoice on. Something no one can take away from you, the smaller the better. And focus on that. After a couple of days, add something else to that routine. Put a cool special sticker in your locker, or in the cover of your notebook. It doesn't have to be LGTB related. Just fill your life with little details that make you happy and focus on those instead of in the big pile of crap that might go on. Hopefully you'll find this helpful =)
Hey (*hug*), I am sorry your feel this bad. You seem severly depressed indeed, that's probably what gives you the feeling nothing can get better and that you can't do anything about it. But you can. First thing, go to your doctor and told them what's going on. (If you can't told them, print the posts you've been writting on EC, they speak for themselves. Your doctor could put you on antidepressants wich can help your mood to lift. Then, you can go and talk to your school counselor. They are used to deal with teenagers, they can help you communicate better with your parents and teachers. They may also help you find a psychologist. I know the idea itself of talking about your problems to those people seem unattractive and awkward, but it's definitly worth the try. I hope things are going to get better soon. Don't hesitate to Pm me anytime if you want to. Take care, Cécile
You may also want to consider hospitalization. Spending some time in a good psych ward (and yes, they exist, many hospitals provide excellent wards for people at risk of suicide) will get you some support, counseling, drugs (and you probably need some medication), and will help make your friends and family aware of your needs. You can call either of the national hotlines below for more information about hospitalization. Depression is an illness and it can be beaten. It won't be easy; it'll be one of the hardest things you ever do, in fact, but it is doable. If you like, post on my wall and I'll tell you a bit about my experience in the hospital.
I understand those feelings completely. I went through it in high school and for a long while after even. It's an excruciating pain that people tend to underestimate. As hard as it is though, it really is mostly temporary. As you get older your hormones stabilize and you learn to process these feelings better. There's also the option of medication to help ease things. Well, I understand not being able to talk to your parents. It's a difficult subject to bring up. I don't know your parents or your situation. Would telling them really be so bad? What do you think would happen if you told them? As far as friends go, I doubt any of them could help you given that they are 16 too and are probably just as baffled about what to do as you are. You NEED to speak to an adult. If not your parents, than maybe a teacher or a school counselor. Words have more power than you think. They can give you strength and help you find perspective. Think about this, if there wasn't something about you that is good or worthwhile, then why would they even bother trying to comfort you even a tiny bit? They see something in you that makes it worth their time to try and help. Even if they, or even you, can't pinpoint exactly what that is, it's still there and will most likely become more apparent as you get older. First about school. Maybe school just isn't your thing, or maybe the depression is making it harder for you. It really has no effect whatsoever on who you are as a person. Grades are given so much importance because they help you secure a future, not because they add any value to you as a person. Once you get out of high school, with the exception of college applications, no one will care one way or another what your grades were in high school. If you want to do better, it should be to make your future a bit easier, not because it's expected. I'll tell you something else. All teenagers suck in some way. As a teenager, your body, your mind, and your personality, are all incomplete products. You are not finished yet. There's still more growing and changing to be done. Who you become could be drastically different from the you that you hate now. You may love who you become. It can be worth the wait, believe me. The fact that you can't kill yourself doesn't mean you are a coward. it just means you don't want to die. It seems to be more like, you don't hate life in general, you just hate yours and want a different one. It's not that you want to die, you just want to live without the pain and insecurity. You haven't quite given up on life yet, so there is hope for you. You just need the right kind of support to get you going.
I want to take all this advice, put it in my advice pouch, and suckle upon it all day long. Unfortunately I cant do that. I cant take advice and act on it, that isnt how I work. Like I said, words have no power for me, they really dont. You could say that I was a fantastic person, or you could claim that I was lower than dirt and deserve to burn. My answer to both would be a shrug. Another thing: It isnt a problem with getting help I have, its just that, for some crazy, stupid, moronic reason, I dont want my parents to find out that I am depressed. I dont know why, but that is the last thing I would want, if that happened I think I would finally be able to kill myself. It is crazy, stupid and pathetic, I know, but I like to keep my life separate from theirs, even if it means I have to suffer. I rarely even go to them for medical things, let alone this level of crap. I feel so depressed at the moment that I can physically feel it. It feels like my sternum has a large weight attatched to it, and is slowly being pulled down.
I think Jede gave great advice. One day you'll look back at this point of your life and you will be much happier then. Think about a time when you were really upset and how much better it got with time. This is just a "bump" in life. You'll get past it. I'm 100% confident. Life will get much easier in time. I'm sure you can remember a time when you were happy. You'll be happy again once you get past this spot. Depression can occur for NO REASON. The good thing about that is that it will go away for "no reason" too. Your depression will go away with time. (Though sometimes it can require medicines...) Anyways, trust me, and everyone else. You will get through this part of life and it'll make you stronger, and you'll be happy again when you get out of it. You won't want to believe it, but it is true. Tough out this part of your life and you'll be happy again.
That would be your depression talking. Extreme apathy is part and parcel of depression. You need to listen to what we're saying and act on it even though it seems pointless. Stop making reasons for doing nothing. It's common for depression sufferers to feel like they can't, or shouldn't, burden their loved ones with their problems. However, unless you believe telling your parents would result in abuse, telling them is the smartest thing you can do. And, once again, I recommend that you hospitalize yourself. Go the the emergency room, tell them you're suicidal, and let the doctors handle stuff like telling your family, deciding what you need to do, and so forth. I really think you'll find it a valuable and liberating experience--certainly I did. You cannot beat this on your own, so don't try.
