1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Can you be black and Gay?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dreaming, Oct 20, 2010.

  1. Dreaming

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2010
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    South Yorkshire
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hello,
    Been having quite a few problems with my race and sexuality at the moment. Don't get be wrong i'm very happy with the colour of my skin but the combination of being gay and black is a dangerous mix to me. I know i shouldn't but i care a lot about the way people perceive me. If i'm being honest being black and being gay are the two socially normal things which are perceived as being bad or not ideal. My family will never accept that i'm a lesbian and i don't think i ever want them to because i will never be a "Normal" girl. I've spent months/ years debating on whether i should come out of not but i'm no closer to getting there. When i do get the courage to come out i always put myself off thinking that i will lose everything because of this combination. I've started to go down the slippery slope of self-harming again recently and i'm getting into the state where i'm pushing people away. I have no idea where my head is at. I'm not sure if this makes sense but it is really getting to me and i want some guidance really.
     
  2. Enaithor

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2008
    Messages:
    378
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London, England
    It's perfectly fine to be black and gay, I can understand where you are coming from, but honestly, it's perfectly fine...and if your family doesn't accept you, then that is their loss...but a lot of the time any family who is at all homophobic will change their opinion if a family member comes out because they realise that homophobia is more than slightly mean
    Take coming out at whatever pace feels comfortable to you, whether that is in two days or two millenia...
    Self-harming kind of sucks...but there are plenty of people both on here and in your life to write love on your arms...you will have plenty of support here :slight_smile:
     
  3. Sesshomaru

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Messages:
    156
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    I know for a fact it's possible. How? I am black and gay. People sometimes fail to see that not everyone follows stereotypes. Like how everyone also assumes all black people love fried chicken. I utterly hate chicken and refuse to eat it. Anyways, that's a little off topic.

    Many people just find it hard to believe that some things just aren't true. It's like saying all asians are smart, all mexicans mow lawns, etc. Over time things will get better for sure, but until then there are those few people that are just hellbent on believing some stereotypes have to be true at all times.

    Coming out to them should be done on your own timing. If you feel that right now that the aftermath of it would be too much or any other reason you have for not wanting to come out yet, then just give yourself time. It eventually does get easier to do.
     
    #3 Sesshomaru, Oct 20, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2010
  4. Mogget

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2010
    Messages:
    2,397
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    New England
    To a certain extent, "gay" has been defined in terms of white people and culture. This is common and happens to a number of social subgroups. nerd subculture, for example, gets defined as white--and maybe asian--making it difficult for nerdy blacks (who certainly exist) to define themselves as nerds.

    To continue with my nerdy analogy, there's also a certain degree of racism in the nerd community (usually the nerds are unaware of it, but it's there), and black nerds may face rejection from the community.

    So, what do black nerds do? They try to find nerds who will accept them and they try to find black nerds in particular. With the advent of the internet they may seek out blogs written by black nerds to get an idea of how they experience belonging to those worlds. They may even send messages to these people to get some mentorship.

    You can do much the same. Seek out older black gays as mentors. Look up black, gay bloggers on the internet. Try Pam's House Blend for starters. She's black and lesbian and frequently blogs about issues in the black gay community, as do several of her co-bloggers and commenters.

    Black gay people absolutely exist. They're just a bit harder to find.
     
  5. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    Before I give any advice, can I ask how old you are? The advice I'd give to a 15-year-old would be different from that I'd give a 25-year-old. :slight_smile: But yes, you can be black and gay. And black and lesbian. I know of two here on EC just off the top of my head.

    Lex
     
  6. Grey Knight

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2010
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Montreal, Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yeah it is, one of by best friends is black and gay. He lives in Huston, Texas, he's told me he's gotten a ton of crap for it. He took it all and says he's a better stronger person for it. Family can be tough, they do love you and they should accept you for who you are, start small and tell one person at a time.

    I have another friend in his 60s who is black and has a black, gay brother. I have never met him personally but from what I have heard he has gotten along really well.

    I'm going to assume you're from the states, here in Canada no one really cares what your skin colour is, and for the most part being gay isn't a huge thing, though doesn't put me at ease.

    You know you have everyone here to support you, you aren't alone.(*hug*)
     
  7. AlyssWonderland

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2010
    Messages:
    373
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    New Hampshire
    Of course you can. While that may not be the skin color people usually connect to being gay (I have no idea how to word that, sorry if that fails), thats just people judging based off skin color/sexuality, which is complete bullshit. Gay people are everywhere, regardless of appearances. :slight_smile:
     
  8. booby

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2010
    Messages:
    121
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Palestine
    you can definitely be black and lesbian .. love is blind :wink:

    i am a Muslim , Arab AND gay .. now that's something unusual :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  9. Dreaming

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2010
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    South Yorkshire
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I am 20 years old so i'm at the age where really i should be able to be fully out and just live life.


    Thanks a lot for the link, will def visit that site.

    Thanks for everyone's advice - making me realise that my question was a bit stupid. A few months ago at work i got some racial abuse from some gay guys and from then things have been a bit hard. Since then i have been slightly homophobic just because of what happened but then i am kind of hating on myself as well. How can i be a hypocrite and be both if i have significant issues over it? We've always been told to be proud of our skin colour and what we are. Although i'm very proud of my skin colour it seems as if i am letting my race down because i'm gay and not allying with their general views and ways :S
     
  10. malachite

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2009
    Messages:
    2,769
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Orlando
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I know.......10 black gay guys and......4 black gay girls.
    There is no "right" way to be. Don't let the world slap a label on you and make you think the way you are is wrong, because its that kind of thinking that is wrong.
     
  11. Elven

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 1, 2009
    Messages:
    355
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Welcome to Empty Closets :slight_smile: I'd say race has nothing to do with it, all that accounts for is your heritage and appearence, both of which should have very little to do with your personality, which is the important bit (and the bit which I would consider sexuality an intergrate part of). Never in my life have I ever considered sexuality to have anything to do with being caucasian, it's just part of being human. You should not try to reject any part of yourself, embrace it and let it make you a stronger person.

    This should apply to both being a Lesbian and being of any race. Just try to be proud and happy with who you are then it will become much easier to tell other people, if you can't accept yourself, how can you expect others to? Your family may not accept it initially but if they love you, you're sure of yourself and happy with who you are i'd say they would be far more likley to look past it. My advice is just to take your time and come out at your own pace.
     
  12. Iniquity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2009
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Medford, MA
    Yes, you can. I am myself and there's a whole community of us at my university. What I've personally experienced is that I pass, for one, and people I've met for the first time don't look past to figure out if I'm gay. But we're out there, and it's perfectly fine to consider yourself both.
     
  13. namesake

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2008
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Singapore
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Race has nothing to do with it, it's just that society has made it seem that all black people have to be straight. Your sexuality and race are two different things and in my opinion, you should keep it that way.

    You're 20, which means you're just starting your life. You'll face a lot of challenges along the way, but I believe that you possess the strength to keep the faith and hold on!
     
  14. Emberstone

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 26, 2008
    Messages:
    6,680
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Oregon, USA
    my college advisors partner is black and gay... you just have to love yourself for who you are, and not care what a bunch of mouth breathing homophobes will think... which basically is what everyone should take to heart.

    If people do not accept you, then it is a statement about them, not about you.