1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't know. (a self pity party)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BudderMC, Oct 20, 2010.

  1. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    I don't know. I'm just kinda losing motivation all around lately.

    Started university, did the Welcome Week thing, pushed myself waaaay more outside my comfort zone than I ever have, made a group of fairly decent friends, went to my first party and not only survived, but met a few other people who didn't drink and are pretty cool too.

    Academically, it's a struggle, for sure. I haven't done any maths or sciences in over a year, nearly 2 years for some subjects, since I wasn't allowed to take anymore maths or sciences during my victory lap in high school. Because all I took was bird courses too, now I'm out of the habit of actually having to do homework and study for tests. I always thought I'd love engineering but so far I'm not really getting anything out of it, it's more a chore than anything else it feels like most days. Not to mention the mark drop hurts. I feel like I'm drowning in work all the time nowadays, our faculty has nearly twice the number of hours of class every week that most of the other faculties do. I know this is the "weed-out" year and all, but it's brutal. Being close to the bottom of the chain again sucks. I'm not used to being the one who struggles and needs help all the time, and it's not a fun feeling.

    Socially and stuff is hit and miss. I mean, I'm living away from home, which is sweet, but I still go home usually every second weekend since I live close enough. I feel some days like my relationship between my family and I is degrading because I don't see them nearly as much, and it breaks my heart. I know that they miss me and that they're still happy for me, but I keep semi-subconsciously blaming myself for making them sad. And whether intentionally or not, I usually hear something like "Oh, your brother misses you so much since you've been gone..." a mini guilt-trip while I'm home.

    Friend-wise, pretty good. I'm still keeping in touch with close friends from high school, and I've made a whole bunch here too. I've also made a few good guy friends too, which makes me happy, since I've never really had any good guy friends before (this is the closest I've gotten at least). I usually find somewhere to both chill and study at the same time (I can't study when I'm by myself, I don't focus) so it works well.

    I guess I'm kinda disappointed in how much some people care about trivial things still. You know, you always hear about how you go to university and leave all the high school drama behind, but it doesn't really seem a lot better here. I still hear the whole "Oh, ____ is really creepy when he's around you" and "Well, I wouldn't be friends with people who smoke, I mean, why bother?". It's just... frustrating. The smoking thing especially I think. I don't smoke, but my parents do, so I've basically been smelling like smoke my entire life. I've had 2 friends now say that if they noticed that I smelled like smoke on a regular basis (as opposed to just when I come back from home) they probably wouldn't have gotten to know me. Nice, right? I mean, they're good friends and stuff (really, they are) but it's just so STUPID sometimes. *vent*

    And since being here I've been trying to do the whole "don't come out to people while you're here, just BE out" thing. I never came out to anyone back in high school anyway, so I'm trying to just "be" out, but it's not really working for me I don't think. I feel like it comes with a certain level of "I don't give a fuck what you think, this is part of me and isn't a big deal unless you make it one", but I keep turning it into a big deal in my mind. Plus, it feels like even though the pool of people is bigger, every guy I'm remotely secretly interested in is straight, which I know makes sense given that we're the minority and all that, but it sucks hard sometimes. So yeah, part of the whole pity party is probably because I discovered that this amazing guy who I was crushing on is straight, which I should have expected, and I most definitely want to keep him as a friend (and would have even if he were uninterested otherwise).

    A couple people came in and did this activity with a couple of us. It was where they lay out these random pictures of stuff and ask questions, then ask us to pick the one picture that represents your answer best. They asked "What do you feel your life is like right now?", and I (subconsciously) picked a picture of two feet on an escalator. My explanation ended up being that I was moving forward, but in one direction because I had no idea where else to go, so I was following the path for no reason basically.

    I don't know. I think the whole idea of going to university was that the environment was supposed to be "freeing", but I'm feeling almost more un-free than I have in my whole life, in many different ways. It all just seems to suck lately.
     
  2. matty123

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2009
    Messages:
    166
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lichfield, UK
    well i started at uni in liverpool about 5 weeks ago, i'm still finding it really tough to adjust, i'm used to being here but i'm not happy, i came because i didn't know what else to do, i don't really love my degree and don't really find any of the potential careers interesting. Plus i left my boyfriend of almost 11 months and i'm finding doing the long-distance relationship tough, and when i left home my family was going through one of its roughest patches ever, i was so guilty leaving, but i have an oppertunity that others don't, an oppertunity my mum wanted me to have, at least this way i have some direction and purpose, i might not know where i'm heading just yet but i have 3 years to figure that out, you will be ok, you always get people being douches whether your at school, uni, or in the workplace, and you will meet someone eventually, just don't overthing everything :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 21st Oct 2010 at 01:29 PM ----------

    *overthink