How essential is it to come out?

I asked myself this today in a way. I was thinking about a friend of mine who is bi and in the closet. I wondered if he was ever going to come out. He told me and a few friends that he was bi but only because he was stoned, or drunk, I don't remember which. I was thinking about why he would need to. You see this friend definitely leans more towards straight, or at least appears to based on his actions, and I know he wants to have kids of his own when he's older with a wife. In fact from what I know he's only ever been sexually attracted to men and not emotionally so it isn't as though he is going to be bringing home guys to mom and dad. So why bother coming out at all? For a moment I wondered if he ever would and then I realized something. He could not. He could easily stay in the closet for the rest of his life and it probably wouldn't affect anyone. Except himself. You see because he could never tell his parents or siblings that he 's attracted to guys but then he has to lie to them. See once your out you don't have to think about being in the closet anymore. When you're in the closet though you have to worry about what people are going to do if they find out. You have to wonder if they'll treat you the same. Once you're out you don't have to think about it at all, as long as it goes well of course. I So you could say why risk the pain but if you lie to the person then why does their opinion of you matter. Its based false assumptions. I plan on talking with him about this too, not in a rushing sense of course but just to see his opinion on it. If I knew that someone would hate me because I was gay or assume anything else of me because of it I would have told them anyway because it is better then the constant stress and strain it takes to be something you are not.

 

Well, the honest answer is another question. Are you happy with keeping it a secret?

 

Well, I would say that even if it's not absolutely essential, coming out can help a lot anyway.

Obviously, it does affect your relationship with parents and family a bit. And it might initially feel like a step back, as people you're close to have to take some time to get to grips with it. From that perspective, it's pretty tempting to say: "things are going OK, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it"

However, odds are that, when your future comes up in conversation, they end up making the assumption that you're straight, and express hopes related to that. And this might be just my experience, but over time it feels worse and worse knowing that things won't (or might not) turn out like they're expecting and keeping that hidden from them starts to feel like lying more and more.
(I'm assuming that since you're asking the question, you're already getting to the point where it's causing a minor irritation to have them assume you're straight while you know you're not)

Also, if you would meet a mr. (instead of ms.) right, being in the closet can create a lot of stress. You're either faced with coming out to family at the same time as dating, or with keeping it hidden from them.

So from that perspective, it's better to come out at your own terms, at a calm moment, when you have the situation under control. And it saves a lot of stress.
Speaking for myself, I didn't really have a lot of urgent reasons for coming out. I could have easily kept the ruse up for another year or two. But in the end, it turned out to be something I felt I had to do to feel at ease about myself. And looking back, I'm glad I got it over with, and never have to second-guess anymore or worry about what-if-they-found-out.

It's not a race though. Coming out is something you should do when you feel you need to, and not something we (or your friends, or anyone else) can force on you.

 

Concise and well said. Think about this. Would it be something you could happily keep a secret for the rest of your life, or at some point would it become too difficult to hide?

 

Everyone else pretty much already said it. It depends whether or not you think you could handle keeping it a secret. Some can do it, others get too drained by it.

 

The thing is, it isnt important to come out. Coming out is something you do for yourself, it doesnt have to be important for that. It may be the tiniest thing that ever happens in your life, or it may be the biggest, but either way, it is your choice.
Likk everyone else has said, it is a matter of whether or not you are comfortable keeping it secret. Some people may be able to live their whole life without coming out, some may want to do it the second they work out their sexuality. You decide for yourself if you ever want to come out.

 

I have learned and lived a lot of things in the recent years. I lived both in the closet and out of the closet. I went through hidden relationships and relationships when I was out and I measure my level of happiness today. And I'm realizing more and more that the most gratifying thing to me is to be able to lead a life where I am true to myself, I am true to my friends and I am true to my family. There is nothing that makes me happier and more satisfied. Absolutely nothing.

And this means yes, I think everyone should come out to experience true happiness. Even though this means going through drastic changes in your relationships. This also means getting out of your comfort zone. This also means growing and changing. And it is extremely scary to get out of that comfort zone but one day, you'll realize that in life, nothing is set in stone and life is short. Take your time, think about it really and I'm sure you'll come to the same realization.

Today, I can look at my life and say I'm fully living it and I'm a fully accomplished man. It was very long, extremely hard but very gratifying. I couldn't be happier...

That's my opinion Zontar