Well, I'm new to emptyclosets. I came across this site when I was looking for advice forums online, and I think y'all might be able to help me with a situation I'm having. This is a long story, but I'm going to keep it short. I'm in college right now, and I just started having a relationship with one of my professors. He isn't my current instructor (I had him last semester), and we didn't have a sexual relationship until after I was out of his class. We obviously met when he was my professor, and we were both involved in a group on campus and were in the same building most of the time during classes, so we saw each other all the time. Right now he's still living in the same city, but he's working for a private company and not teaching any classes. Basically what I'm trying to say is none of this is illegal. He's about twice my age, but he runs marathons, has his PhD, is really cute, and pays for everything when we go out (even though I try to not let him). My friends think that he's "taking advantage of me" because he's obviously older and more established while I'm still fairly young and in college. I don't like to think that he is just because our relationship has gone to the next stage, because if anything I feel like I may be subconsciously taking advantage of him. I don't know how to feel about this. It feels so right when I'm with this guy, but all of my friends think that it's going to end badly. And if my parents found out I was dating a former professor, they would literally come up to my college and beat the sh*t out of me. Is it ok to have a relationship like this?
Most colleges have very strong policies prohibiting this, and for good reason. The relationship between you and he started out very imbalanced; he was in a position of power, as a teacher, and you were a student. The fact that you are no longer a student doesn't really change the perception, nor does it negate the inherent imbalance (He's more educated, has a higher income, is twice your age, etc.) My suspicion is that he knows it's wrong. If he really thinks it's OK, then he should have no problem if you say "Hey, I wanted to check with the faculty council / HR department / etc at college, to make sure they don't have any problems with a professor having a relationship with a former student. I don't want to get in trouble" If he has no issues, then he'll raise no objections. If he raises objections, then he KNOWS it isn't OK and will, directly or subtlely, try to discourage you. And I have to say... your friends are right. You are not taking advantage of him; he knows exactly what he's doing. You're going to end up getting hurt in the deal, and, really, you should be working on developing friendships and healthy relationships with people your own age. (Cue the "Age is just a number... if you enjoy it do it" chorus which will no doubt chime in...)
I agree with Chip, in saying that the age difference could be an issue. You said he's twice your age? I understand finding him hot, there's nothing wrong with that, but relationship wise I don't see how it could work. Although I don't think "he knows exactly what he's doing". He is probably attracted to you in the same way you are to him.....and about your friends, you could be dating an 80 year old, it's none of their business. While everyone IS entitled to their own opinion, you shouldn't let anything they say effect your relationship with this guy, 'cause only you and he know your relationship. Like I said before though, I don't see how it would work out. In the end, it's your choice. You do what you think is right. If you aren't breaking any of the school rules, then do what you do, whether that be continuing to date him, or breaking it off with him. Believe me, I'm not into guys my own age, because a lot of them are immature as fuck, as are a lot of 18, 19, and 20 year old guys. I also just don't find myself being physically attracted to anyone my own age. As hypocrytical as it is, I think of a lot of guys my age as kids, but that probably has a lot to do with the maturity issues.
I'm on the fence on this. There is no one rule that holds true for everybody. Without knowing the people involved directly, it's a hard call. I can only offer two suggestions. First and foremost, proceed with caution. If you are afraid of being used and manipulated, watch out for warning signs and call him on it if you feel like you're being taken advantage of or are being manipulated in any way. Second, (assuming there's nothing to worry about) if you want things to work in the long run, you have to make sure to try and move past the teacher/student dynamic and get to the point where you can perceive each other as equals. The relationship will not be healthy for either of you if it becomes something neither of you can move past.
I totally understand what you're saying about students/teachers having relationships out of the class being inappropriate while they still are student and teacher. He only asked me out on a date after he was no longer faculty, and there was NOTHING going on like that when he was my teacher. I wasn't pressured into it, and I totally could have turned down his offer. But I thought that I would give it a chance just because I was (and still am) really attracted to him, and I really enjoyed being with him in a normal setting. I just want to clarify, we're definitely dating and seeing each other, but I wouldn't call him my boyfriend. I think right now we're both just enjoying each other and there aren't too many strings attached to either one of us. We go out and do our thing a few times a week and that's it. He doesn't call me all the time or make any demands of me, or get mad if I can't go somewhere with him.
It sounds like you're less genuinely asking for input, as you're seeking validation for a decision you've already made. If that's the case, have at it, as it's your life and, as you said, there's nothing illegal about it and no one can stop you. But if you are looking for advice, my comments above stand. It is *exceptionally* rare for a relationship with an eighteen or twenty year age difference to work when the younger person is your age, and usually, the person who ends up hurt/messed up is the younger one. The power imbalance is clearly there, the dynamic is unhealthy, and, quite frankly, it was grossly inappropriate for him to even suggest it. But you gotta do what you're gonna do.
I just wanted to clarify, I really do appreciate your input. I wanted someone's input, someone who had an unbiased opinion .
Oh meh. If you're both on the same wavelength, it's fine. It may not be a relationship that lasts forever (it probably won't, in fact), but that doesn't mean the relationship "didn't work." When I was 25, I dated a guy who was 49. We dated for less than a year. Not really a LTR, but I'm glad that I had that experience. People tend to want to pathologize anything that doesn't fit their personal view of what "healthy" or "normal" is.
Well, it's definitely in an ethical gray area on his part, and even if he's moved on to a job outside the school you're at, it could still become an issue. But, IMO, there's nothing wrong with a big age difference as long as both parties are going into the relationship fully aware that it may be a problem. And while I agree with the sentiment that you should make sure you don't let yourself be manipulated, I think that you should also try not to get carried away by the relationship while it's going well - don't be dependent on him just because you can, don't let your friendships go down the toilet, etc. That's just common sense stuff that more young people dating someone their OWN age need to keep in mind. Big issue with dating someone older is not letting it become parental. Because technically, he's probably old enough to be your father - and age relationships have a huge impact on your relationships with people. Not saying to ignore him if he has experience to offer and you need help dealing with something...but you need to learn how to deal with life on your own as well. And if your relationship with him makes you uncomfortable in any way, I'd highly recommend you go talk to a counselor or therapist about it. Counseling's confidential, and he or she will probably be better equipped than your friends to tell you whether it's still a healthy relationship or not. Just keep in mind that you have to take care of yourself, no matter how much you might love him or want things to work between you. But I hope it works out for you, because, even with all the potential problems, it can work, and if it doesn't last, you'll at least know you tried with an open mind and an open heart. ...but enough warm fuzzies. Please don't read through all I said, and only remember the "It can work out!" part.
I see no problem here. As long as he treats you well and you are happy then there should be nothing wrong at all.
Just a random note, one of the biggest things that cause strain in many relationships, as much as people admit it doesn't, is money. It's a matter of feeling guilty that you can't pay for him, and that in itself can cause strain and could be the breaking point. I say break it off though just because of all the reasons others have listed...but if you continue it, be careful.
I've always gone by the sister rule. Would you feel comfortable with your sister dating somebody of that age and could they come to dinner without it being awkward? If not, than it's probably not a good idea. It would be awkward for a reason. I went on a date with a guy 5 years older than me and he was mid PhD. I felt weird about it and bailed. But hey, that's me. You are you. Do what you need to do but what ever you do, please do it safely (condoms / get tested / keep using condoms)
My only sister's ten years older than me and married. I wouldn't feel right about her dating anybody I was dating!
