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Missing Him

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by zzzero, Oct 26, 2010.

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  1. zzzero

    zzzero
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    Hi guys.

    I havent been on in a while because I'v been doing well, until now.
    As some of you may remember, I had come out to everyone but my family and found a boyfriend about two months ago. As of yesterday, he's broken up with me.

    We had a discussion fairly early on just to make sure we were on the same page about our interest in eachother... He wasn't in love with me yet, and I wasn't really in love with him yet either. Personally i think love is something that takes time. He felt that there was something missing in our relationship, which is mainly why were broke up.

    Recently he met up with a guy he hadn't seen since high school. He didn't know before he went to hang out with the guy(justin) that justin was gay. It turns out Justin likes my now ex boyfriend who I guess also has an interest in Justin. So he broke up with me because of that guy too.

    I am absolutely devistated. I felt in the recent weeks we had grown a lot closer and I was really starting to fall for him, and right as I was missing him more than ever, he breaks up with me. I don't even know what to say. I'v been a mess all day. And I had to wake up at 4 am to go to school and sign up for classes next semester. I had no desire to do that after having just been broken up with. I got home and had a mental break down and just started freaking out and it was a downward spiral into extreme depression. I feel like I'll never be good enough for anyone... I got lucky with my ex boyfriend, he is interesting, attractive and nice, and I dont think i'll find someone like him again.

    I don't know how to deal with it... It was a two month relationship but it was pretty meaningful to me. It forced me to come out to a ton of people, and meet new people and feel like for once I was a normal person who dates and stuff. Now I just feel miserable. It's 75 degrees in boston today, the sun is out and I need to take photos of boston's parks, but I cant force myself to even do that. I just want to sleep all day and do nothing. I feel like absolute shit.

    All of this is happening right during the busiest part of my semester...

    I feel like i'm not attractive enough to date the people i'm attracted to, and i'm not socially skillful enough to keep anyone around. I met my ex boyfriend on #######, but again, I feel lucky to have found him at all.

    The only other person who I am somewhat attracted to and who is attracted to me has moved to North Carolina, and we've been friends online for 5 years now but never met in person...

    How do I deal with the depression? I miss my ex boyfriend so much right now. I really was looking forward to seeing him again because I hadn't seen him in over a week. Now I just feel stupid. I was falling for someone who didn't think of me as more than friends really i guess, even though we were officially dating.

    I am sick of feeling depressed all the time. I like to think I'd never kill myself but sometimes it seems like the most logical option. It's not really something people have to worry about, but that just shows the level of depression I'v reached.


    Sorry this turned into a long rant, I just have nowhere to turn. I don't want to burden my friends with this, and my parents dont know i'm gay (I know I really need to tell them). All I want to do right now is go to my parents house and relax and bitch to them and let them take care of me. I feel incredibly alone, and i'm not sure where else to turn.
     
    #1 zzzero, Oct 26, 2010
  2. TroubledRyan

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    :frowning2: I'm really sorry Taylor (*hug*)
    Time will heal all the wounds though, you just have to give it time and the sadnes will slowly go away.
    If you want to go to your parents, you should. If you don't want them asking questions, simply tell them you don't want to talk about it til your ready, and you just want to stay with them. They should understand :slight_smile:
     
    #2 TroubledRyan, Oct 26, 2010
  3. Eleanor Rigby

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    First thing : (*hug*), (*hug*) (*hug*), (*hug*) (*hug*)(*hug*).
    Second thing : I am truly sorry about what's happening to you.
    Third thing : of course you feel miserable ! Your boyfriend had broken up with you barely 24h ago. What's you're experiencing right now is definitly normal, and even if it of very few comfort, we all have been, are, or will be in your situation one day or another.
    And yes, it's painful. Very painful. Maybe even more painful because you were already depressed before that. But the good news is, you're going to heal. Not tomorrow, not next week, maybe not before several months, but I promise you that this pain you're experiencing right now will go away. So until there, hold on.
    The best thing for you to do now is to get some support. Talk to your friends. You're not going to burden them, because they would definitly relate to what you're going through. They probably have been there themselves and will be happy to share their experiences with you, to cheer you up and to offer a shoulder to cry on if this is what you need.
    And if what you wan to do right now is to go back to your parents house and let them taking care of you, feel free to do exactly that. If you're not ready to come out to them, you can just tell them you're going through a heartbreak right now, and need their love and support. I'm sure they will be more than happy to show you they love you and care about you.
    Last but not least : allow yourself to be sad. Allow yourself to feel this pain. That may be strange, but acknowledging that you're hurting is to my opinion a better way to get rid of the pain than trying to deny it. So go on : cry, scream, listen to sad songs, talk to your friends about how sad you are, and rant on EC as much as you want. When you'll have cry all the tears you have to cry, you'll feel better and ready to move on.
    If you feel like talking about it, or needing a e-(*hug*), you can Pm me anytime you want.
    Hold on and take care of yourself (*hug*) Cécile
     
    #3 Eleanor Rigby, Oct 26, 2010
  4. Walolas

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    (*hug*)For you. Sorry to hear that...
     
    #4 Walolas, Oct 26, 2010
  5. RedState

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    It really doesn't matter if it is a 2 week, 2 month or 2 year relationship....you can fall within the blink of an eye.

    When you are with some one like that you are on the top of the world...and that's why it is so devastatingly painful when it ends, because you fall from such a great height.

    From someone who is still going through the process of letting someone one, let me be the first to tell you that it is rough. It's been months for me and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it....even though I tried everything chemically possible to make me forget (I wouldn't suggest that by the way). But, time does have a way of dulling the pain. Each day with me gets a little better...granted it not all a bed of roses, but I'm getting there, just as you will.

    There are no words that can take the pain away, but their are actions that can help. First, don't do what I did...don't just lock yourself up in your house and become a reclusive mess....don't isolate yourself. The biggest thing that helped me at first was to be as social as I could (yes, it was very difficult at times), be around as many people as I could and even better, meeting as many new people as I could.

    Secondly: Give yourself time to greave....if this means simply yelling your guts out or just having your friends take you out and getting you drunk one night...and after that, start rebuilding your emotional house.

    Thirdly: Never think that there will never be another one. There will be. He may not come walking into your life tomorrow...but who knows, on some idle Tuesday afternoon 3 months from now he could.

    The most important thing to remember (which I'm sure you already know) is all this ain't gonna happen overnight. It is a shitty process...but it is one we all have been through before.
     
    #5 RedState, Oct 26, 2010
  6. zzzero

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    Thanks everyone for responding. I wish it helped more than it actually does, but it does help nonetheless.
    It's only been a day I guess, it's supposed to be hard but I cant help feeling like my whole life is spinning out of control. Do relationships get better? Am I going to keep ending up in this situation with every relationship I have?
    Everytime I think about it, I cry. Now I'v got this HUGE headache that's not helping anything either.

    I'd like to be social, but at the moment, getting out of my house was a big step.
    I went and took some photos for a project i'm working on for school, but this was the worst timing... I have so much shit going on and I just want to say fuck it all.

    I dont know where to go or what to do. Giving this time isn't something that's easy to come to terms with. I don't want to wait, I'v waited long enough. Finally I got a boyfriend who was nice and attractive and interesting. Someone I really really liked. Things were good, I didn't think anything was going badly. So now I dont know what to do with myself. Part of me just wants to sleep until something better happens. But the world doesnt work that way. I have to keep working just as hard as I was. If I don't, i'll fail out of school.

    I just dont know. I likely wont get to see him again, and that really bothers me. I know I need time, because if I see him now I'll have to restart this grieving process. But I want my last goodbye god damn it! He broke upw ith me online when i was missing him more than I ever have. And for another guy no-less!

    I didn't realize that I had fallen for him until he broke up with me. I guess this is the reason some people are crazy. It's enough to make anyone crazy. It's like all the pain is in your head and there's nothing you can do about it.
     
    #6 zzzero, Oct 26, 2010
  7. Mogget

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    I was in much the same boat as you about this time last year. Guy I had totally fallen for broke up with me for no apparent reason (still have no idea why) and I was left confused, depressed, and missing him like hell. Sometimes I still miss him like hell. Over time the pain does decrease, but it takes a lot longer than you expect and it flares up randomly, too.
     
    #7 Mogget, Oct 26, 2010
  8. RedState

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    >>>I didn't realize I had fallen for him until he broke up with me.
    A lot of times that is the case. With me, I didn't truly realize my feelings until I felt him slipping away.

    >>>Giving this time isn't something that is easy to come to terms with....I don't want to wait.
    None of us do...but we really have no choice do we? Trust me, if you just sit around and sleep and wait for something to happen, guess what will happen? Nothing. You have to make things happen in your own life, you can't just expect them to fall in your lap or come knocking on your door. That's why it is important (as tough as it is) to get out with as many people as you can.

    You want your last goodbye...you want closure. That's something that we all desire but rarely get. So did I..but ask yourself this: do you think you could say anything that could make anything different? I thought for a while that if I had acted different or just was able to have one more conversation that I would be able to make everything right again. But then I realized that as smart as I was there were somethings that I just couldn't control...the feelings of someone else being one of them.

    And not seeing him is a good thing...I guess that is one of the things that has helped me. Quite frankly, I dread the day when I do see him again (which I know I will). But, when that happens I will do the same thing you will: keep my head high wish him well and continue on.

    I will leave you with something that someone told me once: "The human heart is a remarkable thing. As fragile as it is it can survive the most brutal of heartaches. Not by design...but by practice".
     
    #8 RedState, Oct 26, 2010
  9. zzzero

    zzzero
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    It's not about saying anything to change it. I can accept that it's over because I wouldn't want him to pretend to like me. I want my final goodbye so I can just say goodbye properly. I feel weird about it, but I want to just give him a big hug and say goodbye.
     
    #9 zzzero, Oct 26, 2010
  10. Mogget

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    It's common to want that nebulous, undefinable "closure" after a relationship ends. But it's not necessarily correlated with either the availability of closure, or its desirability. It's taken me months to get over wanting closure with my ex, I'm still not entirely there. But I recognize now that, even if I could have the conversation and goodbye I want, it wouldn't provide me much in the closure department.
     
    #10 Mogget, Oct 26, 2010
  11. zzzero

    zzzero
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    There was nothing wrong between us. He said he still wants to be friends, the best I could ask for is some kind of closure. I tend to want to make the last moments of things memorable in some way so i'll never forget. Right now I'll never forget but for a bad reason. Because I was so upset that I got depressed and cried all day. I'd rather end on a better note than that. I don't know if he realizes how much I care about him...
     
    #11 zzzero, Oct 26, 2010
  12. zzzero

    zzzero
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    After finally getting some sleep yesterday, it didn't help that much. I pretty much went to bed at 10:30 and cried for an hour before I fell asleep. I feel so completely helpless right now. I can't focus on anything, all of my plans for the week are not gonna work out because this is really eating me up inside. I'v never felt so hurt before. I honestly would rather have been punched in the face than have to deal with this. I'v never felt so bad and depressed in my life.

    I know it just takes time but it feels like it's never going to get better. I'm always going to miss him. It ended when I was missing him more than i'v ever missed him before. so now I'm afraid I'll be stuck this way until I can see him again, but I dont want to see him right now because I'll just have a mental breakdown.
     
    #12 zzzero, Oct 27, 2010
  13. Mogget

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    I know the feeling. It's exactly what I was, and sometimes still am, going through. Breakups are tough, especially when we really care for the person in question.

    My advice is that you don't try to remain friends with him. It'll be harder than you realize and will probably not be helpful (I deeply regret trying to remain friends with my ex). I also suggest you seek counseling or therapy to help you get through this.
     
    #13 Mogget, Oct 27, 2010
  14. zzzero

    zzzero
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    Thanks Liam.
    I'd like to try being friends with him before I rule that out. I feel like it could be fairly possible. I just want to talk to him... I know that's bad now, because we just broke up, but I feel like with a little time I'll be able to be friends with him. I don't want to try to be friends right now, but he was a very good friend to me, if nothing else. And that's how he felt about me too.

    When we last spoke, he said he wanted to be friends, and that he loves me as a friend. I dont want to lose him entirely because I really really do value his friendship a lot. However, right now I may feel more in love with him than just friends, in time i'll find the strength to move on and maybe then we can just be friends...

    Also, I went to Fridays with some friends today, and it helped a bit, I'm feeling a little better mainly because i'v been able to take my mind off of everything. It's still hard, but it's nice to know I have friends who are there for me...
     
    #14 zzzero, Oct 27, 2010
  15. Mirko

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    Hi Taylor! First off, I'm sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out. It will take a little while before you will feel that you can move on from it. Getting some distance, and letting him know that you do want to be friends but need your space and time to yourself will definitely help you to start the process of moving on.

    I think it is great that you started spending some time with your friends and have been able to take your mind concentrating on something else. Keep doing that. Keep distracting yourself.

    If you need to let it all out, that's okay too. Just let it all out, whenever you feel you need to. (*hug*)(*hug*)
     
    #15 Mirko, Oct 27, 2010
  16. zzzero

    zzzero
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    Thanks everyone for everything... I'm feeling a bit better, but I might end up going home (to my parents house) this weekend to try and take some time off from the week.

    They don't know I'm gay, and I have a feeling it might come out this weekend... I really feel like I need to go home and have my parents there... I just need a hug from someone who loves me right now... I feel completely trapped here right now because there's friends, but no one who loves me unconditionally...

    I'm nervous about this, but I want to come out to them. I need their help and I'm realizing it now more than ever that it's not a big deal REALLY. I know they wont kick me out, I don't live there. I know that in general they're okay with gay people. My only worry is that their not okay with their own son being gay. I'm sure everything will be fine, and I'll let you know what happens. I might get away with not doing it. But I need to tell them before my next relationship for sure. It's times like this that I need someone to talk to about these things that I know will always be there and always love me.
     
    #16 zzzero, Oct 27, 2010
  17. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hey Taylor. Even though you feel as if things don't make sense at the moment, but things will improve again.

    If you need a hug from someone ask a friend. It is perfectly alright to call up a friend and say 'hey I just need to be around someone' and ask for a hug when you meet with him or her.

    Give it some more thought in terms of coming out to your parents. Don't just do it now because of what happened. Only come out to them if you really feel that it is the right time. Before you make a final decision on this, think about it, sleep over it. The last thing you want at the moment, is even more emotional stuff coming at you.

    (*hug*)
     
    #17 Mirko, Oct 27, 2010
  18. zzzero

    zzzero
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    You're right, it might be too much to throw at them all at once and too much to throw at myself.

    I'd have to tell them not only that i'm gay, but that i had a boyfriend who dumped me, and now i'm home because I need them.

    Also, hugs from friends are different from a loving hug from a loved one... not that I dont love my friends, but it's not quite the same...
     
    #18 zzzero, Oct 27, 2010
  19. Mirko

    Mirko
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    That's true, it is not quite the same, but it is still a hug that can make you feel better and give you a sense of having some comfort.

    Sometimes, even just one hug and no matter from whom it is coming from, can make someone feel a little bit better.

    It is perfectly alright to ask for things that you need in this moment. Whether it be just having a friend sitting beside you, listening to you, or just giving you a hug for a few minutes.

    (*hug*)
     
    #19 Mirko, Oct 27, 2010
  20. zzzero

    zzzero
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    Well, I texted my brother's GF who knows that I'm gay... I just wanted to know if she knew how he'd react if I told him.
    She told me that, despite the fact that I have the info specifically hidden from him on facebook, he saw that I'm either interested in men, or that I was in a relationship. He must have been on her profile because I don't have those things hidden from her. Anyways, the point is that he knows, but she said he didn't want to force me out of the closet, he wanted me to tell him when I was ready. I'm going to be telling him this weekend. He knows already and clearly he's okay with it, so maybe I don't even need to talk to my parents about this... My brother would be easier to take break-up advice from.
     
    #20 zzzero, Oct 28, 2010
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