I was trying to post this for days but kept rephrasing and deleting it but here goes. Long story short, I'm 17 and I've been feeling so empty for years now. No one knows, no friends and I haven't had much experience with guys. I'm completely on my own. I got bored with that and met someone online. It was good at first, I actually felt I was doing something and it was satisfying. Ended up very bad. I knew I'd overanalyze the hell out of it because I have nothing better to do. So I kept myself busy and gave another guy my number. Just to get what I need for motivation to get on with school and everything else. Nothing at all like a rebound guy, there was no relationship with the other guy. I was barely even attracted to him. I called him and on the phone I felt less comfortable and confident than before. Just saying "I'm gay" to GAY people is still weird to me because I never even told anyone. I'm not getting a perfect vibe from him... But maybe that's partially my fault because I was uncomfortable. Not someone I'd feel totally calm to get in the car with. I'm not gonna rule out just sex at this point but still I don't get a good vibe and I don't know if it's him or me. Calling him at 10 pm and hearing him at work knowing he's 10 years older and totally in a different place than I am made me question meeting him even though it's probably just sex. He doesn't even sound nice.. but neither do I. Any opinions?
Just the fact that you are questioning everything, tells me that this relationship isn't right for you. If you have any reservations, my best advice is to NOT meet this guy. There are other ways to meet guys that are more suitable to your age. I'm just afraid this guy might take advantage of you and I think you are too!
I am sorry you had to go through all of that. I wouldn't recommend meeting guys online, that is really sketch. Try going to a GSA meeting or something like that where you can actually meet other guys to their face. It seems like you are out to your self, but you should ask your self if you are ready to come out. I wish I could be of more help, but good luck with this anyway.
Yeah I wouldn't meet that guy.The net is never a really good way to meet people for romance or sex for that matter.As Bryan said,try to find a meeting.Good luck buddy!!!
Thanks. Yeah, talking to him gave me that feeling he could be a user but then again I'm also not against sex right now so none of that makes sense in my head. We only talked on the phone for a minute so I can't tell how shady he is. I just know he can't really type and when I called him, he said "can I get back to you?" and called literally 2 seconds later. What's the point? Did he do it so his phone could record me or what? I'm attracted to him (if that's him in the picture) but can't match the picture to the voice if that makes sense. The other guy was an older guy too and as embarassing as it ended (before it began) the age gap also made me feel dumber. That's why it suddenly feels weird. I don't want what happened to get to me too much so I need some distraction. There's only one gay organization near where I live and it's not working right now, they have their activities every once in a while and I really don't have the patience to wait cause this nothingness is affecing my life too much.
The meeting people online thing is not necessarily a bad thing, but you have to be very careful (but then again, that's just as true in any other venue as it is with the internet). Before you meet up with ANYONE, make sure you've chatted with them and talked with them, and try to get some background on them and what they want. If you do decide to meet someone, make it in a very public place, like a restaurant or coffee house. If things seem a bit dicey, you're at least in the safety of public view, which will prevent a lot of bad from happening.
If they don't sound nice on the phone, then they likely aren't nice. Keep looking. Even the 'hunt' or the 'search' can be fun. Meeting someone through the internet can work - it has for me - but you need to be super picky! The right guy is out there somewhere. In the mean time, do something to occupy yourself. It doesn't need to have anything to do with being gay! Do some volunteer work, or take up an instrument. Start jogging. (Training for a marathon takes up more hours than there are in the day I think - that would keep you busy!)
Yeah, xequar, that's the thing. We don't live that close and he's gonna have to drive me in his car. I didn't get any details about him from the phone call except that he may have recorded me. He's looking for "sex or a relationship" but probably just sex. That's fine because I don't care anymore.. I guess. Well he's not really rude or anything, just very.. bland. He sounds like I'm the 1000000th person he scheduled with so it's whatever to him. He looks really good so I don't know if I should give up seeing him tomorrow because of a lame phone conversation. But you're right, this is just one guy and I don't know if this post was even about him. I just have to do something quick. I joined a gym. It helps a lot but something's still missing because my mood is down generally and that affects everything. I don't even necessarily need a boyfriend... even a sex friend could do (?). I don't really know.
Excuse me but do you really think that gratuitous sex with a complete stranger is going to make you feel better about yourself or change the feeling of emptyness inside you? I can tell you, IT WON'T! You will still be as lonely as empty inside and added to that you will feel sullied! Sex with someone you know well, you feel good with and just need a bit of fun can be great, not necessarily very satisfying but fun at the time. Sex with a perfect stranger who is going to take you God knows where in his car and do God knows what with YOUR body is terrifying. If you are not a virgin normal sex shouldn't be too much of a worry for you but what if this man is very experienced as you suspect and wants all sorts of 'wierd and wonderful' things that you haven't event thought of before and he intends getting it in any way he can? If you are a virgin will this man take the time and care to introduce you to the joys of sex or will he just use you for his own pleasure and throw you away like a used tissue? I'm not trying to scare you but these are very real possibilities. If you want to explore your sexuality further and enjoy 'wierd and wonderful' sex do it with a partner that you trust, who will stop if things go too far for your taste. Don't put yourself in this danger! Please, you are worth more than this. You only have one life and one body. I think you have enough on your plate without possibily trying to get over a potentially very nasty sexual experience. You may say that at the moment you don't care, you are certainly a bit (a lot) depressed but don't do anything that you may regret for a very long time. Is this a self destruct mechanism triggered by depression, sounds like it could be. Do you see a therapist? Could you find someone to talk to face to face? This is your life, you must live it as you see fit but with all the doubts that you already have about this person, please, please, PLEASE DON'T GO! I am begging you (on my kness if it will help!), as a mum of a 17 year old boy who has recently come out to me, DON'T GO! I couldn't bear to think of my son putting himself in such danger, I can't bear to think that you would put yourself in danger for few hours of company and empty sex. There is so much more to life. If you haven't come out to friends or family there won't even be anyone to pick up the pieces. No one can cope with this sort of trauma on their own. I think the first thing you need to do is talk to someone you trust, stop carrying this burden all by yourself. It may be small consolation but you are NOT alone, EC is here right behind you. (*hug*)
Aren't you guys lucky to have two moms here looking over you?:icon_bigg Louise is RIGHT. If you wait until you find somebody you can trust, your first experience will be sooo much better.
I'm glad to hear that you're going to the gym. I bet the longer you go, the more self confidence you will gain, and the more likely you'll attract someone's attention. Just say hi to people as you're crossing path's in the gym. Ask someone to 'spot' you, or offer to 'spot' for someone (that's the right expression isn't it - like I've EVER done free weights! ). Any time I've worked out, I've found it to be an extremely lonely experience, and I bet others would be glad to say hello and chat a bit if you initiated the conversation. (And hey - if you strike up a conversation with someone at the gym, and you see them on a regular basis, and you like what you see in the locker room, you never know what might happen! )
I can only echo the advice already given. DON'T GO! You need to listen to that litten voice that's telling you this is a bad idea. In your heart you know it's a bad idea. Like Louise said, you have one life and one body, and even if you aren't a virgin, is this guy really going to be concerned about your safety? Is he going to stop if things frighten you? Or is he just going to take what he wants, and when it's over walk off? Have you considered how you'll feel if all he wants is just a one night stand? Meeting people online isn't necessarily a bad thing, but you should take the time to chat with them for a while, get to know them and meet someplace public. From your posts, you sound depressed. I hear a lot of I don't care. I know it's hard, hon, I've suffered from depression all my life. Sometimes it's just a struggle to get up in the morning, but is there someone you could talk to, a friend, a counselor, a teacher or someone you could talk to that might be able to help? If nothing else perhaps a teen hotline? There's a national gay hotline too, but I don't know the number. You could search for it, and there might be one local to you. Please, don't go meet this guy. Let us know how you're doing.
Thanks for all the comments again. It's crazy/awesome there are mothers here... I can't see mine ever coming here. At best she would still talk to me. But that's another thing. Actually I already had a bad sexual experience just recently and that's why I gave this person my phone number so quickly. Knowing myself I'd overanalyze it so much I'd never want to see people again. I don't know if I should get into details but he was again older than me and he was very interested. We didn't talk much. I couldn't get into it and I wasn't even turned on (that's also because he's not my taste and I wasn't crazy about him being busy and having to do it quick). We stopped and he never called again (and I wouldn't have done anything with him even if he called back but still) and that was it. That night was a big mistake. I even started questioning if I was gay that night. I think I'm gonna take everyone's advice and not go with this guy. It's funny... just a while ago I said I was against hooking up online unless I talked with someone for a long time and we met in a public place and here I was jumping into that guy's car after 5 minutes talking. After being in the same state for so long I can't let days go by without doing something in my control.. whether it means getting a new piercing or (now) meeting people. I know I can't wait anymore for things that take time, like waiting for a local gay organization to be active again (and Im not even crazy about that idea). I'm also doing bad at school and it's not even sure I'm graduating although I was supposed to finish school with a degree. I don't care about that degree anymore but I do want to graduate. I can't study and occupy myself with boring stuff when everything else is boring too. As for the school counselor, she was sent by my teacher to see what's up so I'm not gonna trust someone like that. I did suggest something about counselling to my mother when I was really low but she didn't like the idea. I'm not bringing it up again and seeing as I don't have money or my own driver's license, I'm not getting a psychologist soon. Oh and Jim, it IS a "spotter".. but I don't really talk to people there too. There are barely people there anyway but I'm not really in the mood for small talk.
Well there you go! I do know a thing or two about a thing or two! (!) But do you see the cycle that you're in - based on your last comment?!?!? How is "anything" going to happen in your life to make it more interesting if you're not in the mood for small talk?!?!? You don't have to be in the mood! In fact, you're motto should be "If I don't want to do it, then I should do it!" Doing what you're comfortable with and familiar with has brought you to where you are right now. Do you like the place that you're in right now? It doesn't sound like it to me... So change it! You're not in the mood to talk, because you're lonely. You're lonely because you don't have anyone to talk to or do stuff with. You don't have anyone to talk to or do stuff with because you haven't met anyone new lately. You haven't met anyone new lately because you're not in the mood to talk... I know - I'm being a bit of an a**hole! I just WISH someone had given me that advice when I was younger! So, whether you want it or not, I'm giving that advice to you. It's free! Take it or leave it! I just know how much fun is out there waiting for you if you're willing to open yourself up to it! Where do you think you MIGHT meet someone? Give us a scenario, and we'll all give you ideas about how to start up a conversation. Example: At the gym, there's another guy (or girl, or little old lady, I don't care!) working out on a machine beside you. You could simply ask "I've never used that machine - how does it work?" (Can you tell I'm not a gym person?!? I'd ask that question and they'd say, "um - it's the water cooler. You just press this button here...") :eusa_doh: We're here to help each other. Give us something to work with! :icon_bigg
Yeah, I see the cycle and it's like that with a lot of other things right now. Now thinking about it, I do talk with people there every once in a while (like "how does this machine work?") but most of them are way older most of the time and the small talk always stays on the same subject. Besides, most of this time I have this uninterested look on my face because that's what happens when you spend days and days all by yourself and you don't know what to do to make things better. And it's not just a look.. I neglect a lot of things now. That's why I need something big to happen to feel like I'm doing something and get me a little more on.. I'm just not sure what. That's why it doesn't take much to get me in a car anymore when once I was against online meetings altogether. I'm not that clear, yeah... but thanks.
Cloud, I'm not sure what else to say. This is me trying to be supportive, not an jerk... SOMETHING BIG IS NOT GOING TO JUST "HAPPEN"!!!!! YOU CAN'T SPEND YOUR LIFE WAITING FOR THIS MAGICAL EVENT TO OCCUR! If you want to FEEL like you're doing something, then DO SOMETHING! 'nuf said. I'll leave it at that.
