Coming out is such a hard thing to do and I know a lot of people say it gets easier the more people you tell. But for me I still really really struggle despite having done it a few times now. The first person I told was my best friend last year. I kept making hints that I had something to tell him and when he finally brought it up I almost backed out. I said that he should forget I had ever said anything but thankfully he pushed it and he eventually guessed. He's been brilliant since and I have no problems at all discussing it now with him. Then I told my second best friend months later and again I dropped loads of hints and when he finally confronted me, I asked him to guess because I couldn't say it. He replied with "I'm not going to guess. If you want to tell me something, just tell me" but I just couldn't get the words out. I just feel sick with worry about what will happen because there is no going back once you tell them. Thankfully he had also guessed and just said "maybe we're such good friends that nothing needs to be said." And since then we've spoke about it lots and he's been fantastic. It's just the initial telling that I struggle so much with. I tried telling another friend of mine a few months back and it was literally on the tip of my tongue and then I changed the subject. I was so annoyed at myself that I sent her a facebook message about an hour after we had parted ways because I knew I wanted her to know. I've told many other friends since then but it's always the same ordeal and I've never said "I'm gay" to anyone even though I have no problem saying it to myself. I'm totally fine being gay and have accepted it for a while so it's definitely not that. This brings me to last night when I was finally going to tell someone linked to my family - my brother's girlfriend. I've known for a while she was the first person I wanted to tell in my family because I know she will be brilliant and not care. We never get many moments of just me and her alone but my brother has been away for the week so it was perfect. I had been planning to do it for a few days and had the best intentions. We got to talking about lots of different things and then she asked me about my love life and why I never mention it, as well as if I liked anyone at work. But once again, I just brushed it all off and changed the subject. I'm so frustrated and annoyed at myself but I think it was the fact that once I tell her, she will tell my brother as I know she can't keep a secret. And then it won't be long before my parents know and I'm not sure if I can deal with that yet. I'm not sure what advice I'm after but it feels good to get it all down. Thanks if you read it all.
It seems like you are doing very well throughout your process. I came out when I was 21 aLso, I'm not out to my parents even at 27 but I haven't had a real reason to be. It all takes time and there is a time and place for everything! Keep working through it!
Hey, to me it sounds like you're doing a good job coming out. Don't stress. I've never sat anyone down and made a big deal of it either. The biggest deal I'v made about coming out was when I texted my roommates to tell them. People have asked and I'v just said yes, but honestly, for the most part, I'v used the internet as a tool for coming out. Some people would argue against it, but sometimes you just need to start the conversation and that's a lot easier to do when you dont actually have to physically face people. I know exactly where you're coming from though. There's a lot of pressure on you to do it a certain way, but you should just do it however you're comfortable. Once it's out there, you're done. You no longer have anything to worry about. If people don't like it, your life will not be over, they'll grow to accept it if they dont right away and in the end everything will get better. That's another benefit of doing it online... if they don't like it, then you don't have to deal with it... Some people say these are the flaws with the internet, but I really see them as advantages you can use in these kinds of situations. Also, I didn't wait until I was absolutely complete out of the closet to start dating. Seeing as that relationship just ended, I guess I'm unsure of how I'll act when it comes to telling my family, but personally, it helped me reach another level of self-acceptance and self-esteem. I can freely talk about my sexual identity just like straight people can. Things do get better and easier, it just takes time and experience. Don't feel bad that you dont say it, in the end, it really doesnt matter, as long as it gets out, then you're in the clear and you can be yourself.
Maybe you should change your approach. It sounds like, each time, there were lots of hints and suggestions and mentions that something was in the air. In short, you're still treating this like a huge horrible secret. It's not. You're gay. BFD. Maybe you should go into it with that attitude. Call your bro's girlfriend, or send her a message/text. "I don't go into my love life much because I'm gay, and I'm still in the process of coming out. I'm still not sure how my family will react." Tough to do? Sure. But it will end the "drawing it out" process that you seem to go through with everybody else. Lex
Thanks! I'm avoiding telling my parents whilst I still live with them as I don't know if I can handle the awkwardness that will ensue. I'm hopefully moving out early next year though so will tell them nearer the time. Thanks for your response. I always feel like telling people in person is the best just so you can gauge their initial reaction. If you do it online or by text, it gives them time to think of the 'perfect' response and what you want to hear. But you're right I should start looking at alternative methods because telling people in person is clearly not really working for me with everyone. Thanks Lex. That is a good point actually. I think drawing it out like I do probably makes it ten times worse as I just overthink it for such a long period of time. Cliché but I guess ripping off the band-aid is probably what is needed.
Is there really anything wrong with giving someone time to gauge their reactions? A lot of that initial reaction is shock and sometimes it can lead to them saying something they don't actually mean. I think it would be a rare situation for someone to take it better initially and then after thinking about it, start to dislike you. If they really have a problem with your sexuality, time is the only thing that's gonna help them through their own problems with your sexuality.
That is very true. I'm definitely going to start thinking about using alternative methods of coming out. Thanks for your advice! Much appreciated.
