Sad anniversary (a rant)

First off, hugs all around.(*hug*) Secondly, I'd say a bit of a rethink is in order.

>>>I can't think of any way I could have possibly prevented it.

Exactly so. You couldn't have prevented it. Relationships aren't will-to-power. It requires two people who want to continue forward in them. And if one of them wants to end it, the relationship ends. It doesn't matter if the other person did something "wrong" or not. Maybe he wasn't "feeling it". Maybe he decided he wanted to play the field more. Maybe he was just an asshole. But the end result was - he didn't want it to continue, so it didn't. You presumably didn't do anything "wrong" to cause that. (I'm pretty sure you would've focused in on it by now if you did.)

>>>I'm still hurt and confused by it all, and don't feel like I have any defenses against the same thing happening to me again.

This is precisely what relationships are all about. Once you get involved, the guard goes down, and you show somebody your soft, quivering, gelatinous underbelly. (I know - such a romantic image.) And there's no real guarantee that guy won't shove a knife into it. You might try to "take things slow", but relationships come with the risk of true heartbreak and pain.

But there's a flipside. The one where you show him your underbelly...and he accepts it. In short, he accepts you for you. And that's what makes the relationship so wonderful when it DOES work. It's what gave you that great feeling when he said he liked you...and why it hurt so much when he decided to end it.

So what do you do with this information? Do you think you could get yourself back out there? If not, you might need to see somebody to help get your emotions back in line. This guy shouldn't be ruling your life a year after breaking up with you.

Lex

 

I was in the same situation when I was your age and in college. I feel in love with my best friend who didn't reciprocate. I looked up to him and really got into my head. When he started ignoring me, I lost it, I quit my resident assistant job and I almost quit the theatre department because of him, however, a professor of mine in the theatre department became my mentor. She pulled me through. Sometimes we would meet on the stairwell or in the hallway however I just passed him on by and it hurt, ruined my whole day. I kept rebuilding my strength and power to get over him. When we graduated I went up to him and said, "Congratulations, I wish you the best in life." and walked away and haven't heard from him since. It consumed my entire college career, but I learned a lot about myself during it and learned how to cope when I was in a similar situation a year ago! Just get out there, live your life and the more you face him the stronger you become!

 

Clearly we're both in similar situations, though my ex doesnt prevent me from living my life at least.

It sound's pretty shitty and I'm so sorry for you!

You seem to be pretty trapped by him. You can either talk to him about the situation and work out your differences, agree to get along and be civil and then maybe you can start enjoying eachother's company again, or you can move. I'm guessing you don't want to uproot your whole life because this guy lives in the same area as you.

You say you're scared to see him because you're afraid you'll fall for him again and end up hurt all over again. To be honest, it would probably be best if you tried to talk to him. You shouldn't have to live this way, but he also shouldn't be expected to change his life either. People are reasonable, so just talk with him. I'm sure he isn't trying to make you feel bad or like you cant do things, so just talk to him about it.

I recently sent a message to my ex with just some final words for him, incase we didn't talk anymore, just saying all the good things that I thought came from my relationship from him and that I wanted to be as good friends as possible, or at least as civil as possible. Forget the bad times and remember the good, life gets better when you do.

 

Or why don't you just send him a message on FB. You dont need to talk to him in real time. Plus if you send him a message, he can look at it, think about it, and respond during his own time. I doubt he ignores that, but if he does, well at least you've said what you want and nothing's gonna make him pay more attention than he already is so you just have to try and ignore him, just pretend you never dated him when you're around him.

 

You're letting him have WAY too much control over you a year after he dumped you. It's time to take your life back!

Go to a gay function at school! Right now, you feel like a victim, and I'm assuming you'd feel very self conscious being there when he's there. But do you know how many other people are gonig to be seeing you as a victim at that meeting? Zero.

You're a victim only in your own mind and in how you're interpreting the events of one year ago. You need to change your perception of how things have gone, and how this affects you. Instead of looking at this as "having had your heart shattered by the only person who you have loved, and will likely ever love again" (which is sort of how you sound), look at it like you've "had a short relationship that didn't work out but allowed you to learn a lot about you and about other people in general."

And move on.

Not every relationship will be like that, unless you set them up in your mind that way.

Take your life back! Go to events. Go to parties. Hang out with friends. Say hi to your ex, with NO EXPECTATIONS of him talking to you at any great length, or perhaps of even saying hi back. Maybe the guy is a total jerk - they do say love is blind. Go about your business without any expectations of him explaining how things went wrong. If after a year you still haven't been able to figure it out, then it must have been him. Either way, it really doesn't matter what went wrong. It's over now and always will be.

The real tragedy here is that a year later, you're still feeling miserable. You're working with a therapist, which is good. But it sounds like you're really going to have to take a deep breath and start to do some things that you dread doing. An expression I've learned in addiction recovery is this: The things we want to do the least are likely the things we need to do the most.

Get out there and do them. You'll feel better for having done it. I promise.

 

I think you need to confront this demon and get it over with. You've built this up in your mind into such a HUGE thing that you can't function. And the reality is that this situation is NOT as big as you have made it out to be.

Sure - it will be awkward. But only if you let it. It won't be awkward for anyone else - so why should it be awkward for you? You're going to be (potentially!) in a room or at a party with your ex boyfriend. He didn't beat you or abuse you in any way. He simply ended the relationship and didn't provide an explanation. The fact that he can't or won't provide an explanation is out of your control - so let go of the idea that you deserve one or will ever get one. It is out of your control so accept it as it is.

I'd say the sooner you actually go up to him at this party and say hello, the better. Picture yourself doing it. NOT in a dramatic way. NOT with any kind of emotional charge. NOT with any expectations of him even saying hi back - even though that would be extremely rude. (But the reality is there are rude people around.) And then simply turn and walk away. Grab a drink. Have a pretzel. Talk to someone you DO want to talk to.

I obviously don't know your whole story - but being that emotional over someone you dated briefly over a year ago doesn't sound healthy to me. There has to be something that you can be doing to help you move on at a better pace than this. Life is full of disappointments, but if we dwell on each of those disappointments for over a year, limiting our interactions with other people, you're going to be missing out on lifes joys in a really big way. And that is such a shame.

 

I think that what might help in this situation is involving your friends or close acquaintances at the party. Let them know that you're still feeling traumatised about the whole thing (if they don't already know) and that you'll need their support to make it through. That you'll need some distracting conversation if he's present. That you'll want to spend most of the evening with your back turned to him.
And that you might go teary-eyed or react badly at first. Basically, tell them what you just told us and ask them to be your chaperone, if just for once.
It might sure be terrifying to do this alone, but really, you don't have to do this all by yourself! Friends are there not just to have fun with, but support you in bad times as well.
Also, don't feel forced to say anything to him. Sure, you dated once, but that doesn't mean you have to even acknowledge he's there.

Yes, it might mean that the first party isn't going to be all that fun. But once you notice that you manage to survive despite him being in a radius of 100 yards, it gets easier and easier over time.

Also, don't sell yourself short here. I've read no small amount of your other posts on here, and I always come away with the impression that (apart from this topic), you're a nice, considerate, caring guy who knows what he's doing. So there's no reason why you can't be like that even in tough situations like these!

 

Who said you that you have to do this at a party? You don't. I'd recommend you NOT do this at a party. But it does have to happen. It HAS TO HAPPEN. You need to confront this fear you have - and keep confronting it until it isn't a fear any more. Until you've proven to yourself that you can cope with life.

What does your therapist recommend you do? What does he have you doing to overcome this? Surely they don't condone you sitting at home alone avoiding life because you might run into your old boyfriend...