I feel like posting again is really just annoying to everyone, and for that I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. So much school work (to the point where I dont see myself sleeping at all this week, and i'm not exadurating), on top of the break up, and now I feel like I need to come out to my parents very soon. I'm on a complete downward spiral. I feel like I am not in control of anything in my life anymore. Each day is a struggle to keep pushing through and try not to feel anything. On top of all of this one of my friends is struggling with a divorce but it's clear that there is a lot of other shit going on in her head too. I try to be a good friend and always listen and give advice but sometimes she really makes me feel shitty. We were at a party and I had a bit too much to drink, we were dancing with friends and aparently i spilled my drink on her twice and pushed her, and I really didn't mean to and I dont even remember doing it. She was really mad at me and left the party, but she was mad at me because it seemed like I didn't care. Is it really fair to judge someone at a party for not wanting to listen to your problems? If I get more shit thrown at me I'm going to explode. School is incredibly stressful enough as it is. I don't even know how I do it every semester. I have literally no time to think or take care of myself. I'm a complete mess right now with nowhere to turn. My dad drove me to my apartment today which was nice but he wanted to talk about what was wrong and i told him all the things i could tell him. I also told him that it wasn't the only thing bothering me, not by a long shot. But I told him not to guess because he started to and that I couldn't talk to him about it. I don't want to make my parents feel bad too, or like they can't help me at all. It's not fair to them that I keep this a secret much longer because I dont see any change in my mood or attitude in a while. I don't have time to think about everything and be as upset as I need to be. Everything feels like it's going to make me cry. My brother asked if everything was okay and I thought I was gonna lose it. Crying in front of people is my least favorite thing to do so I try to not discuss serious things with people. I also feel like I'v been putting too much of my problems on other people recently. I don't want to ruin other people's days either. I have no idea what to do with myself. I can try to continue pretending I feel nothing and I'm not bothered but I can only bottle up so much emotion before I explode. I need a break from life... I need a break from absolutely EVERYTHING. I want to just sit and do absolutely nothing. Then I'll have nothing I need to think about. Nothing I need to do for anyone else. I'll have time to just exist. But that's not possible so why bother thinking about it. I'm wasting too much time as it is right now posting on here. But I can't just sit here. Part of me wants to break everything in my room just because i need to physically get all this shit and stress out of my system. I don't have time to go to a gym or move enough to make myself look any better. I hate the way I look and I hate the way I act around people. I'v always been one step behind everyone and I'm sick of it. I want to be thin and attractive and I want to like things that are interesting and cool. Instead I'm fat, and I'm weird and I can't see why anyone would want me. Everyone on ####### that I like is too attractive or too adult looking for me to have a chance. I don't even ahve time to change myself though. I need to stop writing and get back to work. I just needed to get this all down before I explode.
(*hug*) (*hug*) I know crying in front of someone is never fun and is probably everyone's least fav thing to do, but you might need to let this out. Your brother offered an ear, you should use it. I'm sure he wouldn't judge you if you let everything out. Everybody needs to at some point. As cliché as it sounds, not everyone judges a person on how they look or how much they weigh. There are people out there who look for good people and you are a good person, and they'll find you attractive because of that. Also, being "weird" is a plus in my book. It's always darkest before dawn. Just hold on and wait for your dawn. I promise things will get better for you. (*hug*) (*hug*)
While you want to be there for your friends you have to realize you're one person, you have only a limited amount of shit you can do. There comes a time where friends can become emotional vampires, and they may not even realize they are doing it. You may have to tell her that you just can't emotionally carry her right now because you have too much on your plate, it sounds harsh, but its reality. On the school side, I remeber those days. Feeling to stressed that you wanted your head to explode just so you could have some peace. You may want to talk to a counselor, you might want to take less courses next semester or try to even out some hard courses with some easy ones. Parents, let them know that you have a lot on your plate, you know they want to help, but there are some things you have to do on your own. If you want to come out, but you don't want to do it RIGHT now. It's ok to tell them you have something to talk about, but it just isn't right. Let them know it isn't anything bad, no life threatening issues, no on is pregnant, just something to talk about and YOU will tell them when YOUR ready.
I DO want to tell them like RIGHT now, but I dont want to tell them and then throw more stuff at them too. I dont want the reason for me to tell them to be because i need them. And as far as school, you have no idea how busy I am and how out of my control it is. I'm taking the minimal amount of courses. I only have two classes that actually have homework and stuff... It might not seem like much, but I go to school for graphic design. My classes are 5 hours long, and the homework is even longer. I have to be creative, which can be incredibly time consuming. It takes me 5 hours just to build an info graphic, not counting the time it takes to think of what i'm gonna do, which has to be both interesting to look at and conceptually strong. It's like 10 hours of work for something that might not even work out, which has happened to me once already. That's on top of a tourists guidebook I have to finish by thursday and a 30 second commercial about the parks in the boston area that I have to record and edit by thursday. All this stuff is every single week. I just don't sleep and that's how I get it all done. My school's graphic design program is really good, but incredibly intensive and competitive. If it doesnt look professional, then it's not good enough. I just need time to deal with life right now because they both kindof exploded on me at once.
I'm sorry to hear that of your predicament. Yes, a lot of things in a rush into someone will drive him/her mad and angry, and it happens on everyone also, including me. Have you talked this issue to someone you know best? Like your close friend?
I wish it was, but it's not unless I want to drop this semester and then take next semester off and start the year over, but I don't want to do that, I'm already a year behind because I transferred into the school.
2 Things: 1 - Take up the offer to talk to your brother. It will make you feel better. 2 - Maybe try talking to your teachers and see if there's anyway they can shorten the amount of work you're getting without it affecting your grade. You don't have to tell them everything, just say you're going through a really tough time.
I would love to tell my teachers, but they'll just say that that's life and I just gotta deal with it. My program is not very forgiving... I have way too much stuff to do with school work, aside from my personal shit, and everyone else in my major has the same things to deal with. Why should I get special treatment just because I'm personally going through a hard time? My friend is getting a divorce and she told them. They said they could be understanding if things didn't quite get done on time, but she still has to do everything. Unfortunately in graphic design, most of the work is in the process, which isn't assigned, but necessary to complete assignments. There's hours of research and conceptualizing, and then you have to create things and refine them as much as possible and make sure everything is completely pristine and perfect. It always makes life fairly difficult, it's just usually barely tolerable, but going through hard times kinda pushed me over the edge.
One more reason to talk to your teachers and let them know what is going on. Taylor, you are going through a lot of stuff. There is nothing wrong with talking to a teacher during his/her office hours or after class and at least let him/her know. Often times, teachers can be quite sympathetic to personal circumstances.
Ok, so today I went to my parent's house today because I'm still registered to vote in their town and it's like right next to their house. My mom had to drive me back into the train and they know I'v been stressed with school and stuff, and I told them it wasn't just school but I didn't want to talk about it. I told them about the freakout i had last night and the few mental breakdowns i'v had recently. I need to come out to them soon. I don't like treating them this way. They feel awful because they don't know what's wrong but they really want to help. I don't want to make them feel completely trapped like I am. I couldn't tell my mom today even when all I wanted to do was tell her. It's not for a lack of being ready, I just end up worrying too much and I can't get the conversation started. We came close to having that discussion but it's like my body just wont allow it. I'm considering sending them an email again. They're the last people I need to tell and I feel bad that that is the case. I love my family and I don't want my parent's place to be the last place that I feel uncomfortable being myself. That's where I want to go to relax. I'v decided that maybe my best option here is to send them an e-mail or a letter, but I really need to tell them soon. After talking to my mom I realize that they just want to help and I feel that they would probably be okay with me coming out. It would explain a lot of the unexplained depression and stuff. My mom said that she's starting to get really worried about me because of the anxiety and stuff I'v been having. They know something's up, and it kills me to make them worry. What do you guys think about me sending them an email? I feel bad that I can't talk to them about it in person, but I just can't make myself do it. Let me know what you guys think...
Hi Taylor, first of all (*hug*) It takes a lot of courage and strength on your part to want to fix your life up. You're doing the right thing by looking for help and guidance. I think the important thing above all else is that you let them know. It doesn't matter how. Whatever way is most comfortable for you to let your parents know part of the reason why you're having such horrible emotional issues and anxiety attacks is fine. It sounds like your parents are genuinely concerned with your well-being, and not with making you out to be a perfect child. That's an indicative trait that your parents will be loving and understanding of you. All you have to do is let them in on it. (As a disclaimer, I haven't, nor can I fathom, coming out to my folks. Others who have will be replying, I'm sure.) Keep us updated on how you're doing. Just find the willpower to come out to them, and then you can finally have a familiar support system who loves you and wants the best for you. (*hug*)
Taylor, can I tell you a few things? A) You needn't worry about what you look like. I've told you once, and I'll tell you again, you're goddamn adorable and someone will see that in you. B) I know how you feel about your family. I'd tell you to be careful and probably to avoid that right now, but you sound like it probably is time. If it's causing you problems, and you understand that things have the possibility of going wrong if you tell them, then I say do it. C) Please, please, please, don't let yourself go crazy. Your school probably has counseling services. Take advantage of those. Just keep yourself safe and happy as well as you can.
Taylor, if you think that it's time for you to let your parents know, the important thing is that you do come out to them, not how you come out to them. If you think that you'd feel more comfortable telling them in an e-mail, go for it then. There is no reason to feel bad for not telling them face to face. Many people on EC came out to there parents with and e-mail or a letter. From what I have seen since I'm on EC, coming out to parents is one of the hardest one. So if you feel ready to come out to them, then do it the way that feels the more comfortable for you. And many (*hug*) in addition, Cécile
