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Afraid of social contact

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dan82, Nov 1, 2010.

  1. Dan82

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    I’m sorry if post isn’t completely clear I’m sharing personal information for the first time, and my writing could be more coherent.

    I have a problem because I have a deep fear of social contact with anyone who has the potential to become close to me; this isn’t shyness I don’t have this problem interacting with strangers who I know will remain strangers. For example I’ve been living with my current roommate for 2 months and have spoken with him maybe 8 times, and I find myself afraid that he’ll be in the kitchen when I get home. I think this stems from a strong fear of being judged or hurt, I don’t want to get close to anyone for fear that I will be hurt by them. Another problem is embarrassment, I don’t want people to know that I’m 28 years old and still an undergraduate student, or that I’m unemployed this leads me never to share any information about myself. This problem has grown worse since I move 900 miles away from my family at least before I had contact with them on a regular basis now there is no one close to me that I see regularly and that’s make my problems with this worse.
     
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there! First off, glad you decided to write it out and ask for help/feedback.

    It doesn't matter how old you are. You are never too old to be an undergraduate student. :slight_smile: During my time at university, I have seen a lot of people in their late 20s and older, attending lectures and being enrolled in undergraduate programmes. I really wouldn't worry or give another thought to it. If you are enrolled in a programme, or take classes that you like, that is what counts. Nothing else!

    If you don't mind me asking, what classes are you taking, or in what programme are you enrolled in? I find it great that you are studying and are in college/university.

    Similarly for being unemployed. If you are unemployed and can't find a job (for whatever reason) isn't something to be really embarrassed about. When you talk about being unemployed or get asked the question 'in what line of work are you in,' you can always say, I'm looking for work at the moment, or I'm trying to get into a field that interests me. Most people won't care or they will wish you good luck with your job search and maybe even give you some helpful hints. But then again, only share with others the information you are comfortable sharing.

    I think the fears of being judged or hurt are always at some level present, in all of us. In opening up to others about ourselves, we do make ourselves vulnerable. Often times, we can really forge close bonds with people that over time might fade. In some ways that can hurt.

    But at the same time, opening up slowly and sharing stuff about ourselves with which we are comfortable, can help us to develop trust in the other people. It helps us to become social and develop meaningful friendships. Opening up can entail small bits of information like what you did during the day. When you come home, and see your room mate, try to say hi and ask him how his day was. If he asks you back, try to say how your day was and perhaps one or two things that you did during the day. Maybe you went to a class, and found the topic interesting, or you spent an hour in the library trying to find a book or an article.

    Essentially, you are trying to start a small talk, which will enable you to become more comfortable over time, and also develop trust in your room mate or another person. As you develop that trust, and you allow the other person to trust you, you will start (perhaps) to see that is okay to let someone come a bit closer and that there is nothing to be really fearful about.

    Just wondering, have you (perhaps) considered seeing a counselor at your college/university to talk about your fears of being judged or hurt?

    (*hug*)
     
  3. zzzero

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    I think it's time you faced your fears. Try telling people things like the fact that you're currently unemployed. Share your age with your class mates. 28 isnt that old for an undergrad really... In my program there are a lot of people your age. We have a lady who's 53 years old in my grade, but we all just treat her like any other student.


    Just remember, if you saw someone in your situation, what would you personally feel. usually that's how other people will take it too. Also, you don't have to tell people anything you dont want. You can get as close as you're comfortable with someone.
     
  4. Dan82

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    I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed, I mean half my classmates are older than but I am, I think the fact that both my siblings graduated from one of the top 15 schools in the country at the typical age makes me feel worse than I should.

    I’m currently taking mostly general ed. classes at a community college; I was originally going to major in business but I’m now seriously considering switching to Graphic Design and/or photography.

    I know I shouldn’t be this bothered by this but I am.

    I appreciated the middle part of your post but didn’t feel the need to reply to it.

    I don’t think my school offers counseling I’m at a large urban community college that needs to do a lot on a tight budget. I’m also not sure if I could open up to a therapist in the way that’s needed for them to help me.
     
  5. Mogget

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    Don't discount therapy. An experienced counselor will be used to getting reticent people to open up. And therapy can be tremendously helpful.
     
  6. Mirko

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    Hi there!

    I can see how this could have an impact on you but at the same time, it doesn't matter if they graduated at a typical age. It also doesn't matter from which school they graduated or your will be graduating from. The important thing here is not the school but rather what you make of your education.

    Sounds really interesting. I think the idea of perhaps combining Graphic Design and photography is a really neat one. Although I do must admit that I do have a biased towards photography. :slight_smile:

    If you look at your choices (and no matter what they end up to be) you chose them because this is something you wanted to do. It is something you like and interests you. This is already something that you can 'easily' share with someone, without having to worry about being judged or hurt.

    As Liam mentioned above, a counselor will allow you to open up by giving you the sense that it is okay to talk about things. It is one small step at a time. You have already started to open up. That's already one step. How do you feel about having done that?

    Often times, community centres or outreach organizations will have some 'citizen counseling' services which tend to be cheaper but still can provide for excellent counseling/therapy. Give it some thought.

    (*hug*)
     
  7. adam88

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    Please read this link and see if it clicks.

    Wow, the second time I've had to bust out this link in a short period of time. Also, try wikipedia.

    So, after posting a couple links, I get to speak. And what I will say is that I completely and totally understand where you're coming from, as I've been there and still am in many, many ways. The good thing is that you can work on your issues, the bad thing is that it will take work. However, the work is totally worth it.

    Just so you don't have to speak with him? Yeah, I've done that. As recently as the last place I lived this past July-August. You know what helps? Moving in with the right people. I've got two amazing roommates currently and am actually disappointed when they're not home. :slight_smile:

    How did I work on it? Well, one thing you can change is your outlook on yourself. One thing you mentioned is that you're ashamed of being an undergrad at your age. Well, it's who you are and if anyone has a problem with it, well, screw 'em. Me? I don't drive. I don't have a university education. Those are just bits of who I am, and if I hate them then I hate myself.

    Which brings me to something you didn't mention that is at the heart of AvPD: self-loathing. You don't think you're good enough to talk to others, so you don't, which makes you ashamed of not being able to talk to others which makes you think even less of yourself. The cycle goes on and doesn't end until you can find some way to love yourself.

    As Mirko mentioned, your first step in telling this to people is an amazing first step and one you should be proud of. So be! Don't listen to that part of your brain that's telling you that you don't deserve it - he doesn't know what's best for you and probably needs to get knocked down a peg or three. Next, a therapist. Heck, I'm even thinking of seeing one myself.

    So please PM me if you'd like to talk. Read my links to see if they ring a bell or help any - I found being able to give a name/voice to my fears really helped me start tackling them.
     
  8. Dan82

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    Intellectually I know that but I still feel self conscious about it.

    I’m not sure I can share my problems in spoken word face to face yet. I know I should be open to seeing a counselor.
     
  9. Dare2bProud

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    I was afraid to go to a counselor in college too. I finally went and it helped, however, I would leave his office so angry at him on a daily basis but the advice he gave me or I didn't think his advice worked. It did work. I just took a lot of strength to get through my tough exterior!

    Also, don't be afraid of being an undergrad at 28. I'm planning on going back to school before I am 30 also, either graduate or I may just go back to get my teacher's license. Its never too late for higher education!
     
  10. Dan82

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    Wow that seems too largely describes how I feel; although I did manage to work retail jobs for years.

    Thanks a appreciate hearing that.


    Yeah that’s definitely part of the problem, making a change at the present time will be difficult because my budget is very tight.

    I think self-loathing is big part of my problem I when a think about my situation intellectually I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed but emotionally I do.

    Thanks for taking the time to give me advice a greatly appreciate it.
     
  11. adam88

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    You're most welcome. :slight_smile:

    I worked retail for many years as well - customer service is paradoxically the most impersonal job you can work. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  12. Mirko

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    Seconded! :slight_smile:

    Adam mentioned something important: self-loathing. Don't hate yourself for the things you did or have, and also don't hate yourself for the things you don't have. Look at the things that you do have and be proud of your accomplishments. It doesn't matter what they are. Be proud of the fact that you are pursing post-secondary education and are thinking about going into Graphic Design and/or photography.

    You have already done the hard part. You have started to open up about it. Now, you have to take it a step further. Yes, it will take some work but if you are willing to put the work in, you will feel not only better about yourself but will also be able to be a bit more open about yourself and be able to make social connections easier.

    Work within the means that you have at the moment. Take it one day and one step at a time.

    (*hug*)
     
  13. adam88

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    Hmm, I just had a thought. Have you considered coming out to someone? Anyone? For me, coming out gave me a great excuse to tell others about myself. It certainly wasn't any easier, but extremely rewarding once I went ahead and did it. :slight_smile:
     
  14. Lexington

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    The fact that you're posting is a great sign. You're recognizing the problem, and you're realizing that you need to do something about it. Since you don't think you're ready to face a counselor just yet, you might try some rather basic steps.

    First off, you might try moving outside your comfort zone a little, and talking to "non-strangers" a bit more. You don't have to sit down and pour your heart out to your roommate. But you might try talking to him a bit more. He might be a bit surprised by you doing that - you've sort of set up your persona as "he who does not speak" - but don't mistake his surprise for disdain. Just try saying something simple to him maybe two or three times a week, and see how that goes.

    Secondly, do work on being more accepting of yourself. My main suggestions along these lines can be summed up as "do what you like, and like what you do". Keep looking for things you enjoy, and enjoy doing them. Completely. Whole-heartedly. Not in that "Yeah, it's dumb, but I kinda like..." way. But in that "I really like..." way. Go nuts with your drawing, your cup stacking, your coin collecting, and your WiiBowling. Really LOVE it. And let yourself love it. The more you do, the better you'll like you. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  15. GoinStag

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    Wow.....my friend, I am exactly like you. I mean....not counting the undergraduate part....I am insanely afraid of social contact. I mean, I have trouble walking into a convenience store if I see other people around my age, because I too am afraid to be judged. I feel like everyone is watching my every move and it sucks.

    I don't let people in because I have been hurt by a lot of people....I mean A LOT of people. You just have to grow closer with people inch-by-inch and gradually grow more comfortable with them. Once you feel like these people are a bigger part of your life, it will become easier to let them in.

    I may be 16, but I have been told that I'm well beyond my years, and very mature for my age. If you would like to talk, feel free to hit me up any time :slight_smile: I would be more than glad to help you out, 'cause I know how you feel. I really do.
     
  16. Dan82

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    Right now my personal life is low if that there’s really no one that I have personal contact that I’m close enough to to come out to. theoretically I could come out to people in one of the study groups I’m in but none of us really discuss our personal lives, if there is a reason to mention it during a discussion in class I should probably be prepared to but given my schedule this semester that’s unlikely. I’ve come out on one message board during a debate about gay rights and I’m planning on coming out my parents when I visit them around Christmas.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Nov 2010 at 08:11 PM ----------

    Yeah I should try that, first I’d have to work up the courage to do it and it made more difficult by the fact that he not the most social person in the world either.
     
  17. Lexington

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    >>>Yeah I should try that, first I’d have to work up the courage to do it and it made more difficult by the fact that he not the most social person in the world either.

    Don't feel you have to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him. Just find something worth saying to him. For instance, if you know he likes a particular breakfast cereal or soda, you might say "I noticed that the grocery store was having a sale on (product). Did you want me to get you some next time I'm there?" Or, better yet, just buy him a box (or six-pack). Then tell him "I saw the store was having a sale on that (product) you like, so I went ahead and bought you some." Something simple like that.

    Lex