Well, I'm not sure how to explain this. Until a while ago, I was in a severe state of despair and depression. Not long ago after some praying and soul searching, the depression lifted. At first it was a free, light feeling. For a couple of days, I felt wonderful. Then something else settled in. It's like a big ball of raw emotional pain just under the surface. Everything seems to aggrivate it, from the good to the bad. It's been a major emotional rollercoaster since then. Most of the time it feels like a big ball of anxiety pressing at my chest. Sometimes it feels like severe desperation, fear, or sadness. The slightest thing sets it off. Even things that I enjoy set it off it ways I don't expect. I don't know why I feel this way. There's a promise of help coming and things seem to be looking up. I feel like I'm losing my sanity. It's painful and exausting and most of the time I just want to die just so it will stop. Even when I was depressed, I never felt like I wanted to die. It's truly scaring me. I actually miss the depression. At worst, that was a dull ache that I knew how to cope with. This is like a sharp pain and I don't know how to deal with it. I've got no one in my life to talk to about this either. I don't know what to do or how to proceed. I'm starting to lose my ability to function at all. I'm starting to think I need medical help. A bigger problem is that getting help for myself and my family is going to require me to step up and take care of things and I don't know if I can do that in this state. It takes all my energy to do the simple things. I'm not really sure what kind of advice I'm looking for here. Usually I'm pretty self aware and I always know what's going on with me. This has left me at a complete loss.
(&&&)Hugs(&&&) It sounds to me like you're in a situation where going to see a doctor and getting medical help could help immensely. If you're having major anxiety attacks there is medication that can help with that, and there's no shame asking your doctor about whether that's the right option for you to help you get over the hump.
First thing (*hug*). Second thing : I think what you're experiencing is absolutly normal. You've been dealing with so many hard things for so many years, you're just exhausted : physically, psycholocically and emotionally. And yes, you probably need some medical help at some point to help you dealing with all the amount of things you still have to deal with. If it's possible, I suggest you to go to your doctor and tell them about what you've been going through and about how you feel right now. They may give you some medication that can help you deal with the everyday stress. Then, it would probably be great if you could find a therapist, or at least a support group, to help you work on your issues. What you had to go through for years is absolutly draining. You need to take care of yourself, to acknowlegde that you hurt, and to take some time to heal. And if you need to be able to still help your family, you have to accept that taking care of yourself is necessary. Many (*hug*) Cécile
I'm in a very similar situation, you described how I feel fairly well. It's like nothing makes you feel better and even small unimportant things seem terrible and make you very upset. It sucks, but at least you're not alone. I feel the same way, but people keep telling me things will get better.
I must have been really tired when I posted this because I completely forgot about it until I saw it. I'm a little bit embarassed now that I'm seeing it again with a clear head. I had a chance to calm down and I think I understand what's wrong now. I'm not exactly sure, but I think it may be some kind of long lasting panic attack brought on by everything happening all at once. Between my change in mood, the everyday stresses, and the uncertainty of what's coming, I think I've just become overwhelmed. I've decided to take a few days to retreat, relax, and take my mind off my problems. I temporarly got a hold of a decent computer that I can actually do something with and I'm basically just going to shut myself off in my room for a few days and just veg out completely until then. It's already been helping to calm me down a lot. It's not completely gone, but i can feel the stress fading, for now at least. It should at least let me get myself together until I can get some real help with these issues.
