I cant take it anymore, I just cant. Everything around me is falling apart, and I cant keep myself together. Nobody could possibly know whats going on in my head, so they just keep making things worse. My teachers pressure me for assessment items which I cant finish, my parent press my about my classes, my grades and everything else that I could do without worrying about. Seeing my friends in high spirits makes it all worse, I dont want to drag them down with me. Every aspect of my life is going wrong at the moment. I am slowly but surely failing at school, I am becoming ever more distant from my family and friends, and my mind is feeling the strain of trying to hold everything together. I hate myself so much. I am a coward, I am an idiot, I cant do anything right. I hate my body, I hate my mind, I hate my personality. I hate everything in my bedroom, I hate everything on my computer, I hate everything that has any relation to me. Everyone would be better off without me, I contribute nothing to anything. I am useless and would be better off dead. I have been seriously thinking about suicide lately, I just want everything to end, and that scares me. I know I would never be able to go through with it, but how can I be sure? The way things are going, I will probably be dead by tomorrow morning. If I could just shut out everything else, and work on one of my problems at a time, I could sort things out. But I dont have that luxury, everything is bombarding me at once, and I just have to sit here and take it. I am so close to losing it, and when I do, I will do something stupid, that I probably wont even be alive to regret.
First of all, *hugs*!!!! The feeling of not belonging and failure are always present through puberty, adolescence and the teen years. Usually people have a dark time somewhere between their 13 to 20, so it's "normal" for you to feel like this. Is it ok? Most certainly not!!! Look, if we all have dream lives with dreamed friends and family and dreamed courses in school, we all be bored to death because things would be too easy to accomplish. In life, the most rewarding things are those which are hard to obtain. But I feel that all the stuff that sucks around you is being maximized by the real problem, the feelings of under-appreciation and hate you might have towards yourself. I don't know you so I can't comment personally, but I can say that we're all beautiful in our own ways and in my opinion, to God's eyes too. Have you tried and get those 17 standard units and at least 3 T or A minors done? How is that going? Seems like a couple days ago you had that under control. What happened? School is a big part of the wreckage or bonanza of our self-esteem. Try and do good on those, knowing school is one thing you can for sure deal with even in your darkest moment will help you feel better. About your friends, if they can't offer real support at this time, are they really your friends? Can you talk about this with anyone? Because if they're not there for YOU when you need them, then you're not associating with the correct people, you can't call them friends. I am pretty much sure you are there for them when they need a word of advise, since you seem to be a very caring person. And being a caring person myself I will give you an advise that was given to me which made things better: Don't struggle with other people's problems. Helping out, giving advise, or being an actively resourceful person when in need can be good, but you have enough on your own and it's not fair for you to deal with other people's business right now. Find problems that you can't solve and click on the "delete" button. No, don't do any secondary plan or conspiracy theory on how I can fix them, if you know it's not your sole responsibility to fix. School is your responsibility to fix. Dragging your friends down with you is not. If they're really your friends, you'll be uplifted, instead of them being dragged down. Your parent's thoughts and ideals are not yours to fulfill. Go on your own pace. If you feel is too much, talk. Let your voice be heard, but do so calmly. Take one thing at a time, one day at a time. And let us know!!! I know I have touched a lot of points here and hopefully you will find any of this helpful. Please do say how you're doing in a couple of days. And if you feel the need to rely on suicide, just don't. If you feel you can't do that favor to yourself, do that favor to us. It will get better.
I know you're not going to be happy about this, but I think you seriously needs help. I know you've said multiple times that it was out of question to talk about your issues with a counselor but lets face it : you can't both say that you can't bare the pain caused by your broken leg anymore and refuse the painkiller shot. You're obviously depressed. You're having serious anxiety and anger issues. You're only 16. You need some help. The best thing to do would be to talk to someone about your problems, and the sooner the better. As you're still at school, I suggest taking an appointment with your school counselor and your school nurse (if there is one at your school) and let them know about what's going on with you. If possible, talk to your parents too and ask them to take you to your doctor, and then , let your doctor know about your situation as well. If you can't do any of this, at least, call a crisis helpline. Things can get better (and part of this may be the result of you being a teenager wich is not something that would last forever), but at some point, if you want things to get better, you have to do something about it. If you want to discuss this, feel free to PM me anytime you want. Take care (*hug*) Cécile
OK, so I thought my morning was going well. I got up nice and early, had a quick but refreshing shower, and a nice hot cup of tea, nice and sweet. Then I sat down in front of the tv for a couple of minutes, there was some stupid wedding show on. There were two guys getting married (I think, it may have been some sort of challenge in this reality show, they didnt seem quite 'into' it, but thatdoesnt really matter at the moment) and my mums reaction when they kissed was, "Eeeurgh, yuck." This is the straw that broke the camels back, I am right over the edge right now, and I know I am going to do something stupid eventually. I dont know if this has been my biggest concern from the start, but if my mums reaction to gays is "Eeeurgh, yuck" then what chances do I have of being accepted by my family. This has just take a blow torch to what little peace of mind I had left.
Don't over react to your mom's reaction to two guys kissing. She wasn't talking about you. And if she knew you were gay, she likely wouldn't have said that at all. She'd have been more respectful. We all say things and do things that we dont' realize are offensive. My kids often sit at the dinner table and say something that I've just put in my own mouth is 'disgusting'. I remind them that just because they don't like something doesn't mean other people don't like it, and that they should be more respectful of other people's feelings. It sounds like your mom needs the same talk. Whether or not someone likes brussel sprouts is one thing. But making comments about someone's sexual orientation like that is especially hurtful. Maybe it's time to tell her. Make THAT your 'something stupid' and just get it over with.
