1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

how do you make friends

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by alan t, Nov 3, 2010.

  1. alan t

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2010
    Messages:
    310
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ontario, canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    so back when I was in high school i had a few friends. But then I moved far away and I don't see them anymore and never made any more friends for a long time.

    For the last two years since I started at this place I'm working, I've sort of made friends with a bunch of people there. I do stuff with them often, which is really nice compared to the previous few years when I never did anything with anyone.
    But, I don't really feel like I have any actual friends here. They're not people I actually talk about stuff with. It's like just because I happen to be sitting there in the same room I end up doing stuff with them.

    I really miss my friend from school who I would talk to about anything, on the rare times I see him even after a year it'll be like we just met yesterday.
     
  2. malachite

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2009
    Messages:
    2,769
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Orlando
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Making friends doesn't happen over night or even over a year or two. But, Friends aren't like a pizza they aren't going to come delievered to your door, you have put yourself out there. Get involved some kindof group activity you enjoy, meeting people over mutal interest is the best way, in my opinion, to meet people.
     
  3. alan t

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2010
    Messages:
    310
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    ontario, canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I do that, I know all these people interested in the same kinds of things as me and I do these activities with them but then I never know what to say to them about anything else. When they have conversations on other topics i just sit quietly and get bored, I don't know what to say
     
  4. x2x2x2x2y2

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2009
    Messages:
    2,326
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wonderland (and California, USA)
    Don't stay quiet. Say your opinion on whatever they're talking about. And if you have no clue what they're talking about, ask questions. If it's something that's boring in your opinion, try to steer the conversation to something that relates to whatever they were talking about but also is something that you find interesting. Speak what's on your mind.
     
  5. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The thing about school is - it's forced interaction. You end up with the same people three or five times a week, and you have that common ground (the classes you take). And in college, if you're in the dorm, you've got your dormmates, too.

    Then comes "real life". And all that gets tossed out the window.

    Now the only people you definitely interact with are co-workers (and roommates, if you have any). And depending on the job, you may not interact with them much. Which means your pool of potential "forced friends" is a lot lower.

    In short, if you want friends, for the first time in your life, you actually have to go out and try to make them. Which sucks on a couple levels. First off, nobody ever teaches us how. It's kind of "learn-by-doing". Secondly, since we've never done it before, it's hard not to feel like an utter dork or loser simply by virtue of HAVING to "go look for friends". Which doesn't put us in the best state of mind to go get friends, in any event.

    But there it is. You've got to get proactive.

    >>>When they have conversations on other topics i just sit quietly and get bored, I don't know what to say.

    X2's got the right idea. Get involved. You don't have to pretend to be overly excited about whatever they're talking about, but I've found I can almost always get interested in other people's interest, if that makes any sense. If they're talking about a sport you're not interested in, for example, you could ask if they go to many games. Or if they grew up liking that sport. That can help lead the conversation into other areas - going to sporting events in general, or being a fan when you're young.

    Lex
     
  6. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    I've found quite often that it takes some kind of event or personal disclosure to break through that superficial layer of 'friendship' that you are describing with your coworkers. Nobody wants to stick their neck out or make themselves vulnerable to rejection, so we maintain these 'arms length' relationships with most of the people we meet in life.

    So maybe you'll need to take the first step. Maybe it's inviting a couple of those people over to your house to watch a football game or somethign. It shows that you're willing to let them into your personal life by having them to your house. Or if you're talking with someone one on one, maybe you can share with them a more intimate detail about your life that you otherwise haven't mentioned before - to demonstrate that you trust them and want them to know you on a deeper level.

    Without taking that kind of step, you'll find that making really close friends is going to take a very long time.