Uh, so this is my first post here. Kinda nervous, but I saw this linked in someone's signature on another forum and I've been wanting to talk to someone about this, and this seemed like a nice place, so here it goes. For a while I've been questioning my sexuality. I've decided I'm bisexual for the time being, but I'm still confused. The thing is, I like men, but.. I kinda like women more. And sometimes I wonder if I might even be borderline lesbian, but I have this thing about me where I don't feel safe or secure without a male partner. I know that sounds silly at first, but I can't shake that. When I hit puberty I started getting really strange feelings for my female classmates, but at the time I was told by the media and family that being gay was wrong and sinful, so I played it off as a phase. That did not help. I still had feelings and I dreamed about being with women up till I finally came out to a few friends. I haven't told everyone, but the first person I came out to was my best friend, who happens to be a transgendered person. She was very supportive with me. I have came out to a few others, but I'm still afraid to hint it to my family, even though my mother has told me "I will love you and your brother no matter what happens, even if you're gay." because we had a conversation about how one of my friends was kicked out of their home when they told their mom. I'm as afraid as I was about me being an atheist for the first time. Still to this day, only friends and two family members know of my standing on religion, but when it comes to coming out, I'm not sure if I can put them through that kind of pressure.
Welcome to EC! I'm actually waiting to go in a comedy club right now, so I'll have to keep it brief. You're not putting pressure on people by telling them you're bi/gay. This is YOUR deal. It's something YOU are coming to grips with, and you're simply keeping them informed what YOU are going through. Don't feel this is anything that's happening to them - it ain't. Lex
Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets! Glad you have decided to sign up and decided to post. Sexuality can be a 'strange' thing. It is fluid and it can change as we go on in our lives. Yeah, it can be scary and confusing as it brings up all kinds of emotions and feelings that we weren't aware we actually had. But here is the flip side to it all. The process that you are going through is also a way for you to learn more about, - and to get to know yourself better. By the end of it all, you will have a pretty clear idea as to where your feelings are, and to which sex you feel attracted to. And you know what? No matter what the outcome is going to be, or which 'label' you are going to use to describe yourself, it's going to be okay. And no, it doesn't sound silly at all. Maybe for the time being, don't use a label or rather don't try to fit neatly into one. If you do want to come out to other, you can always say "I'm questioning my sexuality and iI'm still trying to figure things out." But it is okay if you haven't told everyone yet. Try to take it slow. There is no rush. Follow what ever feels right for you. You already have a couple of clues: If you feel that you like men but feel you like women more, try to take a step back, and explore the feelings that you do have a bit more. When you are with a men, what kind of feelings/emotions and attractions are coming up? Do you feel a connection. Similarly, for when you are with women. What makes you feel safer with a man, compared to a women? By taking a step back, and exploring all of the feelings that you have, you allow yourself to look at it from a distance. Often times, our own internal homophobia can prevent us from being really ourselves, because we fear as to how the people around us will react or what they will say to us. Of course and as you have said, your social environment has also an influence on it. As you become more comfortable with your own sexuality and get to know more people within the LGBT community, you will probably be able to shake some of the internal homophobia and your fears. The more you talk about yourself with your friend and others the more you might find that "hey, there is nothing really to fear and wrong with who I am." It will allow you accept yourself first, which will give you perhaps also an added layer of comfortableness in being out and about. Your internal homophobia will also make itself known, when you come out. Once we start coming out, there is a part of us that questions it all. But as you figure things out, and as you become more securer with your sexuality, and come increasingly out, and find acceptance among your friends and family, your internal homophobia will dissipate. Take it one step at a time. You have already started to create your support network, which is great. Maybe for now, keep building that support network. Try not to worry about as to how your parents might react or what they might say at this stage. However, you do can take comfort in knowing that your mother seems to be supportive. Essentially, she has pretty much opened the door, and said, 'I'm fine with it.' But all has its time. Try to figure things out some more, keep building up your support network. If you can, or if you haven't done so yet, maybe try joining a LGBT support group, and try to talk with a couple of people who have gone or are going through a similar experience. Maybe ask your friend if she knows a few people who would be willing to share their experiences with you. Sometimes, sharing experiences and listening to others who have experienced something similar can help us to make better sense of our own feelings. I hope this helps a bit! (*hug*)
Thanks for the welcome! I guess I had said the pressure thing because I overthink and tend to wonder how it would affect other people. Knowing how very conservative my grandma is, it would kill her to know about this, but you are right, I shouldn't feel like they're going to go through anything since it's me who is dealing with sexuality. Such a long and supportive response, Mirko, that really makes me so happy. I'll try not to label myself for right now. The thing about men is, I've always been with men who thought they liked me, until they saw my outer appearance. I've never had a healthy relationship, and maybe in a way that made me feel awkward and ashamed if I didn't have a male partner in my life. My last breakup from a guy was recent, and I just got so upset that I didn't even want to see another man again. I started having a very innocent crush on one of my female friends, but sometimes I wonder if it may have been just a dependacy thing because she was trying to help me cope with the break up. I've never dated a woman, and would actually like to to confirm my feelings towards women. In a way I kind of hope to find a man who is not afraid to show his feminine side, because I am tired of the video gamers and the football players. There's just something about women I love though. Their minds, their bodies(you appreciate everything when you draw nothing but women, haha), the way they listen and jump in to help. I'll take your advice and step back and look at everything going on, and hopefully in time I'll finally understand myself. I'm just glad so far I've met people, like yourself, who have been through this and wouldn't change themselves for the world. And I won't worry about my parents. x3 I guess I thought that if you were unsure that you weren't straight, you'd have to eventually tell your parents. but yeah, my mom does seem supportive, so she should be really easy to talk to about something like this when the time does come. Thank you.
I'm kinda worried that you don't feel safe without a partner, male or otherwise. That's usually a bad sign and is probably something you should look into.
Hi there! Sorry to hear that your past relationships haven't worked out and that they were unhealthy. (*hug*) I think it would be good if you explore some of the 'issues' around dependency as it might help you a bit to understand your relationship with your friend a bit better. It is easy though to go down that path because after a breakup we are looking to replace what we have lost, and often times, things just take on their own life. But I think it is good that you have realized that, which will allow you to understand it a bit better. The crush might have been a result of creating that dependency but it is still worth perhaps to think back on that crush and maybe ask yourself "what kind of feelings or attractions did I have for her?" If you have the chance, maybe try talking to a counselor a bit about dependency and about your past relationships. Those are all things that certainly can play a role in finding women and/or men attractive. As you start to figure out things more, you might also have a better sense of what kind of an attractions you have. Are they more physical or do they tend to be more emotional? Sometimes, we can form quite strong emotional connections to others, and alone that can actually cloud our judgment on our own feelings towards someone.
At least you know you will always have your family and friends to fall back on. Thats the main thing.
Oh my god you just described my life. I love you for that I wish I could help you, but I just fail since I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do about it, for now I just don't bring it up because I know nobody will understand it, + the fact that I don't feel telling them is necessary. But you seem to have an understanding and supporting family, which is not the case for me. Just go for it if you feel like it =D
Hey welcome to EC, I am really tired right now so I cant really give you a helpful answer or any advice but I wanted to say hi and if you ever want to write on my wall please feel free.
I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this by any means. What you wrote could have come from me not too long ago. It's not easy to figure out what label fits best when you don't really quite fall anywhere, and I think sometimes the best thing to do is just come to the conclusion that maybe you don't have to fit a label, you can just be you. I am currently with my first girlfriend (and have been for 11 months now), but before her, I never really would have considered it. When I first realized I was considering dating her, it was terrifying because it threw off what I thought I knew. I went through a phase of calling myself bisexual, and then a phase of thinking I might be a lesbian because I like her more than any of the guys I've ever been with. I went through a phase of thinking I just liked people who were feminine. Recently, I've kind of settled with the idea that since I've become more willing to consider the possibility of not being straight, I'm finding that I'm not someone who really even looks at gender as part of my decision making. I just like people for who they are rather than what gender they happen to be. It's not a typical label but its where I find I fall for now. But like others have said, sexuality is fluid, and it can change. So I may find myself more on one side than another at some point. It's really confusing, but in the end you just have to take that step back and really consider yourself and your feelings and find what you think you are and where you think you fall without worrying about others.
