Hey y'all, first time posting here. I recently came out for the first time on Thursday to my best friend as we were driving home from an awesome concert. It went really well, he was really supportive, and it basically ended up being him asking questions as we drove around. The next day we hung out and played video games and shit like always. Really positive experience that gave me confidence for the next people I come out to. But - since I came out to him, I've had this immense feeling of regret. Maybe not regret, but more like there's something inside of me saying that I shouldn't have done that, why did you do that, etc. Is this normal? Or is this just the result of years of serious suppression? (for a long time, I tried to suppress most of my sexual feelings because I was uncomfortable with them and it's only been recently that I've come to accept myself) Any help or advice?
Well congrats on coming out to him and welcome to EC. Some people probably feel regret after coming out, but I would think most feel liberated. Years from now, though, you'll be happy you did. Maybe you are feeling regret because you feel pressure to come out to more people now? I know at the early stages of coming out you have so many conflicting emotions; try not to over think one thing too much.
I felt regret too for a long time after I told the first person. None of this liberating burden lifting stuff everyone's always talking about. I don't know. The second time was a bit better though.
Welcome to EC! The feeling of liberation and relief after coming out is a common one, but it's not universal. For many, the relief comes from no longer wondering if the person will be supportive, and the liberation comes from feeling "now I can be myself around him, and talk about this sort of thing". But if you were next-to-positive he would be supportive, and this isn't really something you would talk about with him anyway, then those two feelings won't necessarily be present. It's tougher the pinpoint the source of the regret. For some, the regret might come from feelings along these lines: "Now I have to make sure to do things so he knows I'm not crushing on him." Or "He'll never be able to think about me without thinking of the word 'gay', or blowing some guy." For others, it might be the fact that the invisible line has been crossed. Up until you told him, it was all internal. You could delete the porn on your computer, start going to strip clubs, and resume the "straight life". But now you've told somebody. Now, other people are involved. You can't step back without doing a lot of explaining (much of which wouldn't be believed, anyway). And for others, it might be fear or worry as to what lies ahead. Now that you're on this path, where does it lead? Rainbow stickers on the car, swapping out your old friends for a new set of gay friends, a repudiation of everything that came before? Even if you know instinctively that this isn't necessarily the case, it's not unusual to wonder about what lies ahead...and worry that it won't be as good as what came before. My advice is simply not to stew on it too much. Know that other people experience regret when they come out, too, but it tends to be shortlived. I can't say as I've heard anybody look back over years and say they wish they hadn't come out. They might have wished it was done differently, or that the response was different, but not that they did it. And thank your friend for being kick-ass. Lex
Maybe you were expecting some kind of "big" reaction and didn't get one. Or perhaps you thought you'd feel different after coming out, but things are the same. BTW love the avatar
Hey guys, thanks for all the responses. I've been doing some thinking this afternoon - raking leaves is always a good time to get some thinking done - and I think it may be what Lexington said about crossing the invisible line. I've been always a bit gun shy when it comes to major life decisions (see: college choice, major choice, and so on) so I think I'm just averse to actually getting other people involved. Now that someone else knows, I think it's just like... yeah, I can't back out of it now, someone else knows. I don't think I'd go back to the straight life, so to speak, but some part of me would rather continue to play wallflower and slink past the whole relationship/love questions that inevitably come up. I know I'll be happier in the long run (its why I told him) but still that one part of me is terrified of making that distinction, because it keeps trying to rationalize how I could still be wrong even though my body has been very obviously attracted to men for a long time. I really don't see myself swapping out for new friends, or completely changing my life - hell, my friend's girlfriend is looking for people to go to gay bars with - but I'm still afraid of how the people I'll come out to will react. I've played my share of gay chicken before, its how my friends tend to joke, and I don't want people to think that it was anything more than a joke, you know? Idk. I'm just worried. Sorry for the long and probably crazy sounding mind-vomit. (also, thanks malachite! it was like among the first google image results for drunk and totally perfect.)
There seems to be part of us that hates to commit. For instance, a lot of gay guys (especially closeted ones) go through a period where they wonder if maybe a friend is gay and/or interested in them. But as agonizing as it is to not know, they'd rather continue not knowing rather than move beyond it. They'd rather cling to the hope that MAYBE something will happen than remove all doubt and get on with their lives. It's been my experience that people tend to react better than we expect them to. Not that everybody is immediately accepting, but they generally do better than we think. (That's where that "relief" comes into play.) And as such, we tend to be able to set the tone. If you come out confidently, it tends to send a message that "I'm still me". Coming out in a "I have something terrible to tell you", drunken sort of way doesn't do that. Not that confident means "I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it" (unless you want it to). But if you can say "I think it's time I let you know - I'm gay. I'm still working on who to tell this to, but we're good friends, and I think it's time I let you know", it sets the tone a lot better. As time goes on, I think you'll get more of that confidence. The idea that yeah, this is something to get beyond, so I can move on with my life, start dating, all that. And at that point, there won't be much regret. Lex
fwiw, I have a number of gay friends who have mostly straight friends. And I have others who have mostly gay friends. THere's no rule or standard. You don't have to suddenly start wearing pumps and a party dress everywhere you go, nor do you have to suddenly start hitting gay bars or wearing rainbows. Each person handles their gay sexuality differently. For many, they're absolutely no different than they were before in terms of how they relate to people or their friends or anything else. For others, they adopt their new persona and want to share it with pride with everyone. There's no right or best answer... but being contemplative and doing what feels right to you is always a wise choice
Thanks again, guys, it's really helping. I was going to tell a second very good friend last night, but he was out of town and does the law school thing on the days I have off from work, so I guess it's going to have to wait till next weekend. Wish me luck, I guess.
I agree and understand so much! I came out to my best friend and it ended up that he was in-the-closet as well... But, what you've said is the biggest reason why I havent came out to anyone else yet. I know that I am attracted to guys, but I just am scared to make it final. So long as nobody knows, Im still free to stay on the fence and not commit to either life style. Its a scary jump that I'm not ready to take. Sorry, this probably didn't help you much but I wanted to let you know that what you said really helped me. Just to see somebody else write out what I'm feeling... thank you And I hope all goes well next weekend!
>>>So long as nobody knows, Im still free to stay on the fence and not commit to either life style. Although I know where you're coming from, don't get hung up on that word "lifestyle". Because once you do come out, whatever you do becomes "the gay lifestyle". This weekend, I did some "fall cleaning", went out to a fancy dinner with my partner, saw a show at the comedy club, had a straight couple over for dinner and (video) games, and snuck in some extra work I needed to get done at my job. And therefore, that was my "gay lifestyle". Lex
So True Lex! Sounds like it was a great weekend. After reading what you said I think that "Lifestyle" is a trickier word than I had originally thought because it creates a lable. I am who I am and the in-the-closet and out of-the-closet versions of me and my personality will always be... well, me!
Numbers 2 and 3 told! And again it went well. Funny story: we're driving, it's awkwardly quiet, and number 3 says "So anyone have any conversation starters?" And I'm like "Actually..." This is getting much easier. Best part is, I'm not really regretting it anymore. For the last week or so, it's been just very chill - especially since I got a chance to openly joke about it with friend number 1.
>>>This is getting much easier. Best part is, I'm not really regretting it anymore. For the last week or so, it's been just very chill - especially since I got a chance to openly joke about it with friend number 1. And that's the real reason to do it. So you CAN just "be yourself" and even openly joke about it. Lex
Yeah. I'm really surprised how quickly I went from "oh god i can't tell anyone" to "oh god i want to tell everyone."
