22 and still in the closet

Welcome to EC! And killer avatar. (takes a second to peel slowly and see...) You've laid the situation out pretty well. But something to keep in mind. Everybody - EVERY single one of us - was new to it at one point. We hadn't kissed, we hadn't dated, we hadn't gotten laid. Some get an early start, and some get a later start. But just because you haven't left the starting gate yet doesn't meant you're going to be stuck never leaving the starting gate. There are plenty of guys who got started late...and many of them go on to have totally great and happy love lifes. (I'm one.)

Mind you, I don't think just me saying that is going to suddenly make everything "OK". But I do want you to know it IS possible. And not in some fantasyland, but in reality. You CAN go on dates, and kiss, and get laid, and get a steady boyfriend. Maybe we can help you on that path a little.

Lex

 

Firstly, you're not a whiny-adolecent-like kid. It's completely reasonable to feel this way. There are many people who are your age and older who haven't come out nor been in a romantic/sexual relationship with another person.

Secondly, I get what you mean by avoidance tendencies. I have those too, but I try to expose myself to them instead of avoid them. Try it too. It'll be scary but eventually you'll learn to push those tendencies out of the way.

Eventually you'll come out and have a boyfriend. It might take a while(it's a process) but you'll get there. Sometimes I hate that I haven't had a boyfriend yet but I have faith in the future and in myself, and that's what you need. (*hug*) (*hug*)

 

Welcome to EC bro! I was about 22 before I told anyone too. I know exactly how terrifying it is when you first start deciding to come out (we all do!). This is a really great forum. It helped me though a pretty tough time. When the time comes for you to tell someone, use this place as a support system.

Pick who you tell first carefully. It doesn't have to be your closest friends or your mom and dad. Pick someone you know will be supportive. This, while a difficult path, is an incredibly rewarding one. You will find someone to kiss and screw and date and even love! But before you can do any of that (and have it be any good) you need to get comfortable with yourself and have people in real life to talk to.

Read the coming out stories here in EC and get to know some of the members. Before you know it, you will have courage you never thought was in you. Everyone's situation is different. It's not easy on most of us. But at least for me, getting my head around being gay and FINALLY becoming open about it (it took me longer than it had too, I was 30 before I really started living openly) was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Good luck! Congratulations! and never forget that you are what you are... you aren't deciding to be gay, you are deciding to be ok with it!

 

I might be that things will get easier post-graduation, but I think it'd be a good idea to keep working on things now, for two reasons. For starters, as you said, you're not sure if you're moving out of state yet, and you don't want to have to start at ground zero if that ends up not being the case. Secondly, if you start making inroads now, if you do move out-of-state, you'll be in a much better spot to make a move once you're there.

Sic's got the right idea. The first person you need to come out to is you. You need to get comfortable with it, where it ceases feeling like some major burden or curse. Because for many of us, being gay is not a curse but a blessing. And, hopefully, we can get you to a spot where you'll feel the same way.

Lex

 

Dude, you've gone from not being able to say the words to coming online... identifying yourself as gay... and asking other gay people for advice. That's very good progress.

You will have lots of times when you doubt yourself. Just remember... you ARE gay. There is no changing that and there is absolutely nothing in the world wrong with it. It's actually a lot of fun. It's corny but its true. Being gay is not a bad thing... it's just a thing.

 

Not so sad. I was 25 before telling anyone.

 

And I was 20 before I realized, and 22 before I told anyone, and I finally got laid when I was 25. But you know what? It's been an amazing trip.

Lex

 

I was 20 when I first came out to myself. Now I'm 21 and I haven't been kissed or gotten laid yet (although I have kissed a few girls since then, but that doesn't count haha ). What I consider most important, before getting to the fun stuff, is to get comfortable about myself and remove all my inner homophobia and misconceptions about being gay. Although, I'm not sure how is that going to take me.

Good luck!

 

Sounds like your in the same position I was a few years ago. I'll explain where I was at, to see if you can relate.

I was in denial about being gay until I was 20. Before that I wouldn't even speak to another gay guy (even online), and especially wouldn't have joined a site like EC. After that, I joined a site similar to this (but an Australian site) and started speaking to a few guys from there, and one particually helped with dealing with it (was also the first guy I met).
Fast forward abit, my first boyfriend was the third guy I had met (When i was 21). I still didn't come out to any friends, other than one guy I knew 'online', my parents were the only people who knew really. Was only about 18 months ago when I finally came out to friends (so, when I was 24).
When I was 20, I was in the same mindset that I never wanted to come out, and was quite happy the way things were (and tbh, being out isn't really much different for me)

Things will change, if you let them Have to agree with lex, no need to wait til you move to start the coming out process (even if its just a friend or family member at first)

 

There is def no problem with your situation. I did not come out until I was 28 and I still have not come out to everyone I know. But the first step is to admit it to yourself and everything will come naturally after that. I was always shy and introverted, but now I feel more oprn and able to just be myself.

It will get better and everything will come in time. Accepting yourself is the first and hardest step of the process in my opinion. I have been dating someone for 6 months and I must say it is much more natural to me than being with a girl.

 

Hi,dont beat yourself up just because your not out yet.You have just taken a big step by joining EC and telling all of us you are gay.I am sure if you stick around here for a while,and maybe read a few coming out stories things will soon start to fall into place.

Now youve taken this step forward things will most likely start moving naturally,your subconsience will be weighing people up,as to what you think their opinion will be when you come out to them.Something will let you know when you are ready to tell someone,then it niggles away at you until you do.

Most of us have been where you are now and i agree with you when you say it seems to get more difficult as you get older(i was 41)and i think thats because you avoid the subject or lie for so long it just gets harder te be honest.The one thing every one on here agrees about is how much better and easier it is to be out.

Good luck and dont be afraid to ask us for advice anytime,EC is a great place if your a little bit stuck,fed up or just want to let off steam ,we will help if we can.

 

I felt like I had to post on this thread. There's been a lot of really helpful posts, I thought I'd just offer my experience.

If we went back about four months, I too was totally closeted, nobody close to me knew that I was gay. It's a horrible experience, one that I'm sure everyone on here relates to. I too thought that I'd never be able to tell anyone, would always be alone. But then, after the considerable help of this website, I managed to finally confide in a friend.

And, somehow, the world didn't end. Somehow he didn't act appalled and he didn't reject me. In fact, the opposite was true, he encouraged me to be more open and slowly but surely I started to tell my friends and family. Sure, it was daunting. But not one single person reacted negatively when I told them, in fact I feel a lot closer to my friends and family now than I ever have. Its such a relief when its out in the open.

I've known people who would now and again make comments that I perceived to be homophobic (eg "that's gay", I'm sure you've heard them all) and even people who seemed to really disapprove of homosexuality, and yet everyone's been fantastic to me since I've come out. Nobody treats me any differently, 'cause people who really care for you will not let it bother them. I was amazed by how little fuss people made.

I've also yet to be in a relationship with someone, it seemed unthinkable that I could ever be in one before I came out, but now that I have I'm a lot more positive and its a distinct possibility now. Being out really liberates you. Don't worry about your age, a lot of people come to terms with their sexuality at different ages and there's no need to feel pressured into being with someone/having sex just because of your age. It should be about when YOU feel ready, and when YOU want to. And post as many posts on here as you wish, get everything off your chest, that's what these forums are designed for. I found EC so beneficial for this, not only can you put down in writing what you're feeling, you'll get great advice from people who've went through, and are going through, what you're going through.

It's easy to let it get you down, but the fact you've posted on here tells me you want to start dealing with it. You've had years of this eating away at you, and you're fed up with it, you want things to change. The good news is that they can! Take as much time as you need, use EC as much as you need to, and I guarentee that things will get better, and there will come a time when you can finally come out and start experiencing life, and being happy

 

I didn't clue in to the fact that I was gay (and then accept it) until I was in my mid 30s. Instead I had stumbled through life feeling like a square peg in a round hole. As a result, I didn't date anyone really until I was in my early 20s and seriously date anyone until I was in my mid 20s. Only then did I have sex for the first time.

So at 22 you're not doing too bad in my books. But keep working on it. Hang out here. Just by interacting here with us you'll get more and more comfortable with yourself. We're a pretty awesome bunch, and you'll come to realize that you're awesome too - 'despite' being gay. And given that, there isn't really a problem in disclosing to others that you're gay - because you've already come to realize that you're awesome. And if they for some reason disagree - there's something wrong with them, not you.

Good luck - and welcome to EC!

 

No need to feel any worries there. Hell I'm 29 and still so far back in the closet I think I just passed The White Witch from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

It's tough...and it can be awkward at first.

You just have to do your thing at your own pace.

I was kinda like SAGUY up there, I denied it for years...just thought it was a phase, or at worst, I was kinda bi.

Well, that line of thinking got shot all to hell when someone came along that blew me away

So, just take your time. You are in no rush to do anything.

In other words, no reason to beat yourself up about not being out.

 

Hi BloodyRose3000 (&&&)

You don't have to be embarrassed at all. We all have gone through/or are going through the same situation. I'm 25 and about 4/5 months ago I told the first person(my sister) that I am gay. I was so far in the closet that I completely ignored everything that had to do with
being gay. There was a point when I would avoid my friends because I didn't want to deal with question about why I didn't have a boyfriend.

Than I accepted it and started to take some small babysteps. I joined EC, started reading gay books, bought some gay magazines( I used to be scarred of what the cashier would think of me). I had always put so much pressure on myself and thought that the world would end if someone knew. But a lot of people don't even care.
Then through a counselor I came in contact with some gay people and realised that there are people just like me that are gay and going through the same thing. There is a whole other world out there that is fun to be a part of. (*hug*)

 

I can relate to your situation. I was almost 23 before I admitted to myself that I am gay. It's definitely not the lifestyle that I would have chosen for myself, but I love myself none the less. I've learned to accept and embrace who I am. It is not something that defines me as a person; its just a part of who I am. I had the hardest time coming out to my two closest friends one of which is gay, but I couldn't do it until I came out to myself.
It's definitely something that is hard, but it gets easier. It's a process that never ends. For the rest of my life I know that I will be coming out to people and it I have learned to accept that. Everyone comes out at different stages in their lives. Since we are all individuals we are the only ones who truly know when the time is right. I have come out to my friends and most of my close family. For a while I seemed to push them farther away. I think that it was a defense mechanism that I used to prepare myself just in case I was rejected by my family. I regret doing it, because my family has been extremely supportive. Just take it one day at a time and you will know what to do. As far as the being a virgin and never been kissed; don't worry. I am 24 and have never "sexually" been with another man, and I am fine with it. I don't want to give that part of me to just anyone because I have too much respect for myself. Don't let these things get to you. In our society people are frowned upon for being out of our teens and still being virgins, but who cares what other people think as long as YOU are happy!