Last night, my boyfriend of almost 2 months had to talk to me. His parents had requested he come home that weekend to talk, he knew they had found out. He was right, his older brother had told them he liked guys, in response his pastor dad and christian mother game him the choice of liking guys or them. As of last night, I cannot see my boyfriend anymore, be with him, nothing, we can be friends, but nothing more. The pain I felt then and still have is almost unbearable. I cried myself to sleep and everything reminds me of him so I randomly tear up. I'm trying to stay strong for him, strong as he is about it but I just can't - it hurts too much. To know that you can't be with the one person you love and know they love you back is undescribable it aches inside so much - and we can't do a damn thing. They wouldn't know if we do anything or stay together but he can't lie to his parents like that, it's over, completely. I've talked to so many close best friends, and they've consoled me, but I feel life has come to a stop, I don't feel like doing anything. I know we haven't been together for a complete 2 months but what we've shared with one another, what we feel for one another, is true love, none of this honeymoon horny love, but true love. I don't know how to handle all this, it's overbearing and depressing, and now all I can do is put a happy face on and be strong for him, my now friend only. I may be overreacting but this is completely unfair to separate two people who love each other like that, you can't put a hault on something like that, and now he can never like boys because his parents can't accept him for who he is. I can't be mad and am not mad at all, because I would make the same decision, but it just hurts knowing I can't ever be with the one I love. I can't even imagine how life must be for him for it must be 10 times worse, yet he is so strong it amazes me, not nearly as sensitive as me, but I know he's hurting, I just want to hold him and make it better but it won't be better. I wrote him a letter spilling everything inside me out, it helped a little, I think I can at least control my feelings now, but I'm so drained emotionally and yet overflooded with thoughts of what could happen or not, or how life is going to be now. I just want to ramble on and on until and cry until it goes away, but it won't ease the pain. I just don't know what to do...
That sounds like a very grave situation, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. One can only hope that his parents will come to terms with his homosexuality in the future. Actually, what they are doing is one of the most un-Christian acts--intolerance--and they should seek spiritual counseling if this is so important to them. Keeping communication with your boyfriend is definitely a good idea, though. It sounds like you and he really love each other, and staying in contact is, for now, the best that his parents will allow.
What a sitiation on your hand, Jordano. You make me wish i had a boyfriend to begin with. I agree that you should keep in contact, but also to respect his parent's decision. Not to preach a sermon or anything, but Christians are often torn between what to do regarding homesexuality. You most certainly have some that will denigrate what you to are mutually sharing, such as now, but also some like gaychristian.net embrace it. Anyway, just getting that out of the way, in case you think all Christians are alike, if you thought so in the first place. And still continue to write and try to keep ties. I mean it could be a breakup in a sense, but I would think you wouldn't stop being friends. I remember meeting a new guy a few years ago and found myself intrigued by him. He was just so fascinating! However, school ended and I moved to a new school the latter year. All summer I thought about him, constantly contacting my old friends, seeing if they had his number, but none did. I don't want to say I "eventually got over it," rather found other ways to spend my time and think about instead of dwelling on the past. So thats my little rant of a similar situation.
I STRONGLY disagree... this guy is an adult and respecting his parents' bigoted and hateful decision is about the last thing you should concern yourself with. Caving to bigots' demands is like acquiescing to bullies: it just confirms their self-righteousness. Now, if your boyfriend decides to toe his parents' line, then I think it would be hard to fight him on that, although personally I hope he changes his mind and defies his parents' wishes. But yeah, it is probably not going to do you any good to fight for the two of you as a couple if he's not willing to. I'm so sorry this happened... it sounds awful.
Look, there are christian organizations for gay people. Perhaps he could contact them. Also, you could go to a pflag meeting to get some counseling as to what to do... I know it must be hard for you, and my thoughts are with you. Really there is nothing I can say that will help ease your pain, and I don't inted to do it, so I will just say that he should really consider the possibility of spending his entire life denying what he is, or he could accept that he is not going to change, and start the long process of getting his parents to accept him. If he doesn't like boys then what? he likes girls? he'll find a girl, settle down, marry, have kids? What kind of impact will him being gay have in his relationship with a woman, and what impact being a 30 y.o. closeted guy will have in his kids? Does he really want or thinks he can decide not to like boys???
I do suppose your right in a way. However, it seems like your inciting rebellion. Sorry for any conflicting ideas I had. Obviously I'm a little passive compared to you.
Well basically I have no choice in the matter, this was his decision, I would have done the same thing: I need my parents and want them, though MINE accept me for who I am. It's getting easier to handle things, just because he's handling it well and staying strong so I am. But he's so desensitized about some things it almost hurts to see him give up so easily, but I mean, we tell each other we love each other, but that's it, eventually he will move on and because I know this I have to try and do the same. That's that, nothing I can do, and I just really have to accept that.
Correct. By saying 'either your sexuality or us' his parents are acting intolerant towards (in their view) "sinners". A spiritual counselor would benefit them, helping them to tolerate, while not necessarily agreeing with his sexuality. Unfortunately, most christians don't take kindly to being told their actions are misplaced - especially when it comes from "non believers". It will take a great deal of care, but if you talk to your bf, suggest to him that he encourages his parents to attend a spiritual counseling session. By having a third (christian) party to mediate the conversation, I believe you may be able to at least convince them that it is ultimately his choice, but regardless, he's their son and they should accept it. Of course, convincing them to attend the session would have to be conducted in a delicate way. It might involve some deceit (ie, telling them he wants to go to the counseling to sort out his homosexuality). However, he needs to be firm during the actual session, and make it clear that the session is not about him sorting out his own sexuality, but rather helping his parents to tolerate it. It's obvious that he cares deeply for the opinion of his parents and the rest of the family, and for this reason rebellion simply mightn't be the most practical of ideas. Granted it is always there as a last resort. Convincing him is another issue all together. If you two are still allowed contact, would meeting up in private to strengthen his own confidence in his sexuality be practical ? That's something to consider of the counselling sessions dont work. Goodluck Jordano, and please keep us posted if the situation changes. Dave
No, we can remain friends, his parents don't know spefically that he was going out with me, that we did a lot of things together, and love each other, they just know he likes guys, and banned him from that. As for the whole spiritual counseling, his dad is a pastor and mom a hardcore christian, it won't happen. He couldn't get a word out when his parents confronted him. From what I was told he sat there with his eyes down and agreed to their needs. I can't blame him, I would've done the same thing. He told me he just can't be with me because it would be against his parents' wishes and he couldn't lie to them by continuing us. He's handling it a lot better than I am - he's the type that doesn't get wrapped up in emotions, in fact, he's really insensitive sometimes. For instance, he flat out told me we love each other and feel about each other on different levels: me more extreme than him. He told me he'll always remember what we shared but I think he's just trying his hardest to move on. I asked him later if I could still tell him I love him, he said it would be fine but that he doesn't know how he'll respond from time to time - so I mean, he's pretty good at being strong, and kinda cold too, but he's gotta be strong. So yes, we're still friends, it's just really awkward because we both know I want him so bad and he just plays cool, as if nothing happened almost, though I know he hurts a little. He just doesn't let it interfere. So with him being that way it makes me less hard for me, seeing him be cool helps me be okay with everything, or at least accept what's going on.
:bang: :bang: Well there are a lot of factors here. What your actual ages are is a very important issue. Where you are right now with regards to school - high school, jr. college, working, occ. center. And of course what is the current financial situation you are both living with now. Maybe for right now the issue is trying to respect each others "spaces" and be aware of each other's sensitivities and respective family situations. I don't know if you schools have counseling and or support groups for you gays, but if they do, it might be very worthwhile for each of you to pursue looking into and or joining them. jordano, I think it is excellent that you and your parents are dealing with your situation in the way they are. Keeping the dialogue going between you and them is very important and it sounds as if you are doing so. This would be a significant issue to work on with them so they know what you are dealing with and maybe they can advise how to respect the situation that has come up with your b/f. As for your b/f the situation may be that for the time being he is going to have to live in this most un-happy enviornment his parents have created for him. But I think depending on his age, school, finances and feelings/support from other family members he is at some point have to begin making decisions for himself as to whether this situation is acceptable to him and just how far is he willing to go along with things this way and for how long. His family has placed him in a terrible situation - they have almost destroyed his entitiy as a person with their actions. And your b/f is an entity who will have to start thinking about what his options and choices for his future will be. It is a lot to ask of a young adult, but the matter is being forced upon him by his parents in a most unpleasant manner with almost no consideration for his emotional well being at all. If the two of you are allowed some degree of contact with each other I think what both of you can do together is to talk it out as to how you can jointly handle the situation as a "team." Thus providing strength for each other. By at least sharing some of those issues you are allowing some of the pressures both of you are dealing with to be eased somewhat and to be positive and constructive "supporters" for each other. Time is going to be a key issue here and that is something you cannot control but you can work with. I think you both have shown that already and taken some very positive steps to support each other. Don't stop. Think as you both act. And give yourselves credit for what both of you are doing to deal with the situation. take care.:smilewave
