Ermmmm well basically, i came out to mum a couple of months ago, and shes fine with it (!) it comes a time where she sings along to boys boys boys by lady gaga tht u feel confiudent shes oki. But when i came out to her i told her not to tell my dad and she said tht he would eventually have to kno :eusa_doh: I said tht hes lasted thus far without knowing he can continue, and tht kinda ended the convo. But the main reason with not telling dad is tht well... hes very violent... and homophobic :dry: He always tells homphobic jokes and laughs at gay people and if i ever turned out to be gay which i am. I've also had a really rough time at home with him too, long story short we got social services in, they did nothing, i kicked them out for getting my dad even more angry :icon_sad: He would just loose his anger so quickly and ive ended up in hospital a few times with a sprained wrist and a nearly a broken nose. The worst it got was he strangled me once over nothing, so i cant come out to him in fear of he will just flip, and i just dnt like him anyway so i dnt want to tell him :dry: I'm just worried my mum will tell him, or already has, and i dnt want to bring it up again with her because, even tho shes cool with talking to me about being gay, she may be provoked to tell him.
Ummm yeah....I hate to tell you this because I don't know you, but I think it's past the time of social services. It's time to bring the law into this...him strangling you, and breaking your nose and spraining your wrist is against the law. Strangling you isn't the comedic thing you see in the Simpsons, it's practically attempted murder. I know you don't want to think about it, but I really think this is a bit more than you can handle. I'd like to see what others think but hopefully they think the same way.
I'm afraid I have to second this. I've never actually been close enough to my parents to worry about calling the law on them if they were abusing me, but I know other people feel differently. Basically, He's hurting you, and he is breaking the law. You could also die...
It's not really the physical abuse anymore, the last time he hit me was several months ago, and he hasnt strangled me for twice that. Social services did come at the begining of the year but i managed just to stay out of the way of him. It's just his past physical abuse i got from him tht really is making me worried about mum telling him And dnt worry i had some good friends to get me through it all, so it's all died down a bit now (&&&) I'm just worried this will provoke him to be tht angry again ---------- Post added 9th Nov 2010 at 09:35 PM ---------- Is what really is affecting me, i just dnt want him to kno, but i dnt know wht to do to make sure mum dosent tell him
Hi DM,sorry to hear about your dad. Could you have another talk with your mum and let her know why you dont want your dad to find out.She may be able to help somehow even if it is by agreeing not to tell him until you agree.She may have already said something and asked him not to bother you over it,which would mean you are worrying for nothing.At least a honest talk with your mum could put your mind at rest. My dad was always calling gays and was pretty homophobic,when i came out to him he just said it was my choice and he didnt care.I corrected him on it being a choice,which made him think.He is now to the point that when we were in a shop we saw a large pregnant teenager and he laughed and said"at least i dont have to worry your responsible for that".Parents views can change when thier own kids turn out to be gay.
Hmmm thanks for the advice, it's really made me think about him. :icon_bigg The only thing is it tht i dnt have a good relationship with him anyways, and i kno i will never get the same reaction as mum. I've tried talking to her about it but i never really kno wht the best way to say ps u havent told dad have u in our conversations. To be honest, weve only talked once about being gay after i came out to her, and tht was about possible bf's i could have (tht was fun :dry::lol and nothing else really...
It seems to me that the key to dealing with your dad is though your mom. She seems like an ally in this... keep in mind though that spouses in abusive relationships tend to make excuses for the abuser and tend to defend them. They also however, feel a need to protect their children from those abuses when they can. I think you need to have that conversation with your mom. She needs to understand that you have legitimate fears about your dad finding out. Hopefully she will respect that. On another note, have you talked to your mom about the abuse directly? Does he hit her too? Let her know that if she ever wants to get out to there that you will support her and be with her for that. There are services that exist to help families with abusive members, but you do want to be careful. If you tell a school counselor that you are being hit, they might be required to report that to the police/social services. This rarely solves the problem permanently and might lead to another attack. My old man was pretty "old school" too when I was growing up. I got the back of his hand more times than I care to count... (his favorite was head butts... and he was good at them too!) although I think we never looked at that as abuse... more discipline of a bygone era. I don't know your situation exactly but if you are going to the hospital for these injuries... that is way over the line. Good luck bud. I wish there was an easy answer for you, but I don't think there is. Talk to your mom... that might help.
I don't mean to burst your bubble DM but it sounds a lot like a victim stance you're taking. It may be a hard concept to grasp, but the whole "oh it was in the past, it hasn't happened again" is what many victims say in abusive relationships, in abusive families, etc. I'm just saying, if it's happened once, or twice, or three times, you can bet it will happen again. Please, just get help. You don't have to listen to me, but I hope you'll still consider my words.
Thanks again guys I managed to find out the hard way about not going to school about it after my friends got concerened for me, hence why social services got involved :eusa_doh: I have spoken to my close friends about this before, and my ex has mentioned childline to help, i was just too scared to do it and thought tht everything seemed alright now... :icon_sad: As for mum, i dnt kno if she has been hit too. At first she did not belive tht dad actually hit me, then she went off crying every time it happened, and now she just never talks about it as she is ashamed of herself when social services got involoved, and screamed at me when i brought them in :icon_sad: It's not really a subject either one of us feel comfortable about and, even though i will try your suggestions in talking to her :icon_bigg, she might not want to talk about it herself. As for finding help, should i talk my ex again about childline (we still talk alot :icon_bigg) and what other places u kno can help... Without going behind my back like social services did :bang:
Your father needs help. Nothing justifies choking a child, believe me I seen kids that could use a little choking. i'm with Revan, the law needs to be involved. But, your really not wanting to go that rout can you last 3 more years at home?
I would caution against getting the police involved at this point guys. It's not like they are going to march him or the dad out of the house to never return... especially since there hasn't been any recent abuse. It has the possibility of just exacerbating the situation. It is easy to say "call the cops" from far away, but the truth is that most governments are really bad at handling that kind of thing. They don't really help, and as the OP has noted... they tend to take the reins and go behind the complainants back without really caring about his wishes. It's not politically correct, but that is the reality of the world we live in.
I mean i've lasted about 5/6 months without him attacking me and since then he has changed jobs (from a very stressful one) to now. I just feel like every normal family argument we have just becomes more aggresive, u can hear it in your voice, and 2 years of previous abuse has left me kinda experienced enough in wht to do. I never really wanted to tell anyone anyway, i told some firends and my ex, but never anyone like social services. It was thanks to my friends and the school thth they got involved. I've tried to move away but my family members don't kno, because my parents want to be the pride of the family :tantrum: and i can't really move in with my friends, since only 3 kno and ones moving house, ones got a full house and the other is my ex :dry: I've lasted 6 months but lasting another 3 years, is somewhat worrying, since there used to be long periods in between his attacks were people used to say it's alright now before these fights started out of no where again :bang:
I think the best thing to do at this point is to get the law involved. I would say maybe it's stopped since you said it hasn't happened in some time now, but are you willing to take that chance until the next time it happens? And as you are only 15, I doubt going through this for 3 more years is any sort of option. This isn't something a teen should have to go through. I'm truly sorry for your situation but I really recommend thinking about getting the law involved for your own safety. Take care. (*hug*)
Hi again,if your mum seems embaressed about having social services involved,you could use this to your advantage.When you get chance to talk to her again,tell her your afraid he may flip if he finds out and you cant really face going through the social service thing again,so could she either keeps quiet or backs you and helps you come out to him.My guess is that she will try to calm the situation because she will know that a second visit will be alot harder to cover up any wrong doings. Personally i would not report it to the police or childline unless it gets worse because both of them will go straight to social services and could end up in you being placed in care or with a foster family,neither option is good, but also dont put yourself in danger. Your best bet is to keep getting your mum on side and see if you could think of another family member(aunt,uncle,cousin,gran,etc)who would be accepting,if you were out to at least one other household it could be a good escape if things get out of hand at home. Good luck.
Thanks But again i really dnt want to go into care or foster families like u said, and the thought of telling another family member firstly about myself and dad stuff is definetly out of the question. :dry: I told my cousin about being gay and, even though he took it well, he did not belive me tht dad attacked me :***:, and i believe my family would take a similar viewpoint, as to everyone else he acts so differently :tantrum: When social services came in they spoke to me once at school, said they would keep in touch and speak to my parents. Then they spoke to my parents behind my back, and to mum a couple of times where she pretended tht the social service worker was her 'friend'. It ended with me flipping, calling them to say f*** off, and burning any contact details they gave mum, and deleting all of mums contacts. So, social services did nothing but go behind my back, and i havent spoken to them since at school, and i never want to go thru a similar process, hence y i am a little reluctant in getting help from government run places and my lack of trust in other sites such as childline. When my ex mentioned childline, i felt reluctant in going on there, so instead he went on there for me online on one of their chat services, and i dnt kno wht has happened since At the moment tho, im just staying out of his way, locking my room and stuff, which i kno isnt good for the next 3 years, but its liveable since he works late and leaves before i get up. The main problem is to do with mum, not having any trust in her not just telling dad, but any one else as well. She clearly stated her views of keeping in the closet at school :dry: but she always talks to her gay friends and im worried one day she may bring me up. I just dnt kno how to speak to her about it, talking about social services would make her mad, and she knows i will never call them in to me, so i can't really use this to my advantage. I don't even kno if she may have forgotten about it, or already told him and forgot about it.
I just feel torn with half of you saying i should seek help and half saying it is maybe best to not :tears:
