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Old 11th Nov 2010, 02:14 AM   #1
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Default Am I polyamorous?

Ever since I began in my current relationship of nearly a year I questioned it. I really deeply questioned whether he was 'the one' that I could possibly spend my whole life with. I questioned whether he would make me happy, whether I should commit all of my love to one person so early in my life.

But I really love him. We moved really quickly, and things became really serious, and yet my questioning made me unsure about whether it was love that I am feeling. I thought that I couldn't possibly be in love with him because I checked out other guys just as much as I did before. I even felt somewhat of a romantic attraction or had 'crushes' on a few people. So I just about convinced myself that I had to break up with him or at least take a break from him to 'sort myself out.'

But recently I found one of my house-mates books on polyamory, borrowed it and started reading. And everything in there seemed to make absolute sense. Why only commit romantically to one person? Why not build deep connections with others, like having close friends while in a monogamous relationship, but also extend it to physical intimacy? It is possible to be in love with more than one person at a time! (as long as everyone communicates and is in total agreement)

It's not just about sex like I mistook it at first. Sure sex is fun, but the main thing is the physical intimacy. I believe that physical intimacy elevates any relationship, allowing a deeper closeness and understanding. Having a romantic relationship with someone gives you such a buzz and allows you to get to know them really well really quickly. It makes sense that this is the kind of person I am: I'm not a strongly 'jealous' type, value few really close friends over many friends, and don't make friends particularly easy (I guess the romantic connection propels my relationships)

So my questions! First of all, what are everyones opinions on polyamory? Do you think it's like an orientation where its just how some people are, or is it a choice that anyone at any point can make? Would you date a couple? What would your reaction be if your partner suggested polyamory? How would one suggest it?
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Old 11th Nov 2010, 03:59 AM   #2
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Default Re: Am I polyamorous?

I'm not entirely sure if people are specifically wired to be polyamorous, but I do think it does take a specific type of person to make it work. And it's my belief that most people simply aren't cut out for it, be it due to emotional make-up or societal training or what have you. The vast majority of people appear to be monogamist by nature (either long-term or "serial"), or they tend not to form "emotional relationships" at all.

I tend to warn people aware from polyamorous relationships - not because they don't conform to the monogamous standards of society, but because people tend to get a rather idealistic view of how it takes place. Ideally, relationships are wide open, you can bond with/fall in love with/have sex with multiple people, everyone is cool with it, and it's win-win(-win-win...). But it often doesn't work like that in practice. We've all seen issues arise even in simple monogamous relationships. In polyamorous ones, the possibilities of such issues arising increase exponentially. Jealousy and "not feeling loved" seem to pop up even when people were positive they'd never feel such things.

What would be my reaction if my partner suggested polyamory? I'd break up with him. Seriously. Not because I hate polyamorous people, but because I couldn't be one. I don't have the make-up for it. And if he suggested it, I'd understand that he couldn't be truly happy in a monogamous relationship (or, perhaps, he wasn't satisfied in the monogamous relationship he had with me, and chose to use polyamory as a technique to say "I want to see other people"). And I could understand and accept that, but then again, I can't be truly happy in a polyamorous relationship. This would mean we were incompatible, and it's best that we go our separate ways so we could find people we COULD be truly happy with.

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Old 11th Nov 2010, 10:54 AM   #3
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Default Re: Am I polyamorous?

I hate to say it, but I think this is just bringing up the whole ideas of what religious nutters bring up. Gay leading to polygamy, incest, blah blah blah. Unlike homosexuality, I really have this deep seeded feeling that polygamy/polyandry/polyamorous is a choice. You choose to make these relationships, you choose to 'betray' your partner, etc. I had a sexual relationship with this guy who was in an open relationship, and while I'm not sure if it was the open nature of it, they did break up. All open relationships and the like do is cause a strain on the relationship.

But that's just my two cents. Do what you want but frankly I wouldn't expect you and a boyfriend and you to stay together if you suggest it. A large majority of people are not open relationship/polyamorous types.
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Old 11th Nov 2010, 02:47 PM   #4
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Default Re: Am I polyamorous?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revan View Post
I hate to say it, but I think this is just bringing up the whole ideas of what religious nutters bring up. Gay leading to polygamy, incest, blah blah blah.
Seriously? I dont think my homosexuality has much to do with it. There are many straight polyamorous people. Also polygamy =/= polyamorous, polygamy proposes that a man can have two or more wives, and yet a woman can only have one husband, and this is accepted in some cultures. And comparing to incest? Come on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revan View Post
You choose to make these relationships, you choose to 'betray' your partner, etc. I had a sexual relationship with this guy who was in an open relationship, and while I'm not sure if it was the open nature of it, they did break up. All open relationships and the like do is cause a strain on the relationship..
Whoa.. quite a generalization you're making there. Firstly, it's not 'betraying' or cheating on your partner if they know about it and agree to it. It's not like you are 'rejecting' your partner for someone else, just dumping them as soon as 'someone better' comes along like a serial monogomost might. You still love and care for them. And quoting one example of an open relationship that didn't work? I could quote a billion monogamous relationships that didnt work out, but im not blaming monogamy.

Lex, thanks for your input, it was most informative. I understand your point of view, but suggesting polyamory is not a way of saying you are dissatisfied with your partner. A person in a poly relationship should respect each of his or her partners as unique and irreplaceable, it's not a contest. Also, how many people in monogamous relationships have ALL of their emotional, physical, intellectual etc needs met? Isn't it idealistic to think that one might?
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Old 11th Nov 2010, 03:05 PM   #5
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Default Re: Am I polyamorous?

>>>I understand your point of view, but suggesting polyamory is not a way of saying you are dissatisfied with your partner. A person in a poly relationship should respect each of his or her partners as unique and irreplaceable, it's not a contest. Also, how many people in monogamous relationships have ALL of their emotional, physical, intellectual etc needs met? Isn't it idealistic to think that one might?

It IS stating you're dissatisfied with your partner. Or, to be more accurate, it's stating that you're dissatisfied with your current relationship with your partner. For monogamous people, being in a relationship is usually sufficient. This isn't to say they never feel physical urges for other people, or are never interested in having sex outside the relationship. But most people tend to forgo going that route, because keeping two people in a physical relationship tends to be a big enough juggling act. Some people are open and trusting and not-at-all-prone-to-jealousy enough that they can keep the relationship open, to whatever degree they agree to. But most simply keep the relationship closed, by mutual consent.

By telling your partner that you are polyamorous, no - you're not stating you're dissatisfied with your partner. But you ARE stating that you plan on getting physical with other people. And this tends to run counter to what most people are expecting in a relationship. You've basically told them what they (presumably) thought was a monogamous relationship will not be one. It may be that this is exactly what they were dying to hear - that they too want to be physical with other people. In which case, you're completely set (for now). But it may be that this isn't what he thought he signed up for, and so he's got every right to call it off.

And as far as having ALL of their emotional, physical, intellectual etc needs met? No, I don't expect that. Which is why I still have friends instead of just holing up with my man. But as far the physical aspect goes, I consider it a compromise. By forgoing other physical relationships, I don't have to deal with the problems of adding more physical and emotional needs on top of those of the two I already deal with.

A lame metaphor, but the only one I can think of at the second. Say I'm in the LA area for a day. I might decide to go to Disneyland, or I might decide to go to the beach. I could technically do both, but it'd mean double scheduling transportation, and making sure I had two outfits, and spending more time stuck in traffic than doing either. I'd end up having only a couple hours at each location. I'm much more likely to say "I'm going to just stay at Disneyland". Yeah, it'll mean I don't get to go to the beach. But it'll also mean my daylong trip to Disneyland will be a lot more fun.

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Old 11th Nov 2010, 03:11 PM   #6
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Default Re: Am I polyamorous?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBabyGoGo View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Revan View Post
I hate to say it, but I think this is just bringing up the whole ideas of what religious nutters bring up. Gay leading to polygamy, incest, blah blah blah.
Seriously? I dont think my homosexuality has much to do with it. There are many straight polyamorous people. Also polygamy =/= polyamorous, polygamy proposes that a man can have two or more wives, and yet a woman can only have one husband, and this is accepted in some cultures. And comparing to incest? Come on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revan View Post
You choose to make these relationships, you choose to 'betray' your partner, etc. I had a sexual relationship with this guy who was in an open relationship, and while I'm not sure if it was the open nature of it, they did break up. All open relationships and the like do is cause a strain on the relationship..
Whoa.. quite a generalization you're making there. Firstly, it's not 'betraying' or cheating on your partner if they know about it and agree to it. It's not like you are 'rejecting' your partner for someone else, just dumping them as soon as 'someone better' comes along like a serial monogomost might. You still love and care for them. And quoting one example of an open relationship that didn't work? I could quote a billion monogamous relationships that didnt work out, but im not blaming monogamy.

Lex, thanks for your input, it was most informative. I understand your point of view, but suggesting polyamory is not a way of saying you are dissatisfied with your partner. A person in a poly relationship should respect each of his or her partners as unique and irreplaceable, it's not a contest. Also, how many people in monogamous relationships have ALL of their emotional, physical, intellectual etc needs met? Isn't it idealistic to think that one might?
Um if you did research you'd know that the religious bigots constantly say that if gay marriage is legalized, next incest will be legalized, and bestiality, and polygamy, and so on and so forth -_-
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Old 11th Nov 2010, 04:17 PM   #7
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Default Re: Am I polyamorous?

Oh and yes thank you, I was soooo uneducated about the differences between them. Even though you know, I took a class that taught me all about it -_- I don't care if it's polygamy, polyandry (which is having more than one husband at a time), or polyamorous (having multiple partners). It's all the same to me. It's a form of cheating despite staying in a relationship, the only difference is that your partner knows about it. Doesn't mean it isn't still cheating.
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