Stuck in the closet with serious trust issues

Hi guys, I'm pretty new here. I'm having trouble coming out of the closet. Not so much because I'm scared of what people might think of me, but because I've got a whole load of other issues.

When I was about 9, I escaped from a rape attempt by another boy. Thankfully I didn't know what he was trying to do so I escaped without too much trauma.

In year 8/9, I was routinely sexually harassed by the other boys in the PE changing rooms. At one point I considered suicide, and only kept going out of spite and hatred. The teachers knew about this, but most of them did nothing.

In sixth form, I was molested regularly by another boy in my year. He also told me about his violent sexual fantasies involving me. I didn't see the point in telling the teacher, because from my experience I'd just get ignored. I didn't take him to court because he was nearly a year younger than me and half my size. I couldn’t fight back because he just ran away when I tried to hit him. It wasn't until just before I finished my A-Levels that I decided to tell the head of sixth form about it. Despite my expectations, the abuse finally stopped.

After that I went to university for three years. I calmed down a lot (I'm now a pacifist), made a lot of friends and actually experienced self esteem. I still hang out with a lot of my friends from uni and now I couldn’t be much happier with my lot in life. Except for one thing. I'm bisexual. And I'm stuck in the closet.

I realised I was bi at some point when I was in sixth form. This was while I was still being molested. I eventually made the mistake of telling a psychologist I was bi while I was at uni and he assumed I enjoyed all the crap I went through. (he was also pretty adamant that I was gay based on the fact I used the terminology 'come out of the closet')

I told my parents I was bi before I started uni, and they both gave me the exact opposite reaction to what I expected. Dad basically said 'so what?', while mum insisted it was just a phase. It didn't take long for both of them to suddenly forget everything I said and assume I was straight again. So I ended up coming out of the closet to my parents twice. They forgot about it again.

I didn't know many gay or bi people until my second year of uni, when my social circle basically became a veritable fleet of berties. Despite that, I still felt I couldn’t come out of the closet. I'm still not sure how much I could trust another man in the context of a relationship, and besides that I felt guilty about my sexuality.

A couple of weeks ago, I spoke to my mum about this. I pointed out that this was the third time I'd came out of the closet to her. She pretty much couldn’t fathom how I could know I was bi when I hadn't had sex with a man. So I reminded her I hadn't had sex with a woman either. She still didn’t get it until I basically said 'for god's sake woman! I like looking at boobies! I like looking at willies! How hard can it be?'

I think she understood after that. Nevertheless, she still didn't feel comfortable with it. So I asked her why. And she told me that she didn’t understand how I could look for a relationship with another guy after all I'd been through. So I pointed out to her that if I was completely straight and got molested by a women instead, I'd have the same trust problems with women as I do with men. But I'd get over them eventually.

After that conversation, I feel that the guilt I have about my sexuality has been lessened. But it's still there. It's just overshadowed by the guilt I have from keeping it a secret so long.


So now I need help making the next step. I want to tell my friends that I'm bi. I know they're not going to hate me for it, half of them are gay or bi and the rest of them don't have a problem with that. But for some reason I'm still afraid. I'm not sure if I should talk about being molested either. Thanks for any help you can give me.

 

No problem!

Also, thanks for the advice, guys. Especially about the writing part. I've got problems telling people things in person as well.

 

Just told a friend who's in my old uni's GLBT society over Facebook. Haven't gotten a chance to talk to him in person yet, though.

 

Hey there, sorry for the lack of contact. I'm now out to most of my friends and my Granny. Pretty much the only people in my life who don’t know are my cousins, my other grandparents and my roommates. I’ve got one roommate who doesn’t like gays, and he also happens to be a petty bastard. Not sure if I’m going to tell him, but I’ll tell my other roommates when I move out so they don’t tell him while I’m still living with him. They’ll probably be cool with it.

The problem is telling the rest of my family. Mum doesn’t see why I should tell anyone else seeing as it’s none of their business. She thinks that people talk about their sex lives too much (she doesn’t like social networks because people are telling you too much about their private lives). She’s using Granny to back up her opinions when Granny was raised in a time when you didn’t know homosexuality was a thing. Given that Mum’s told me that people she knows are lesbians when I either knew/didn’t care, and the fact she told me to tell granny before she found out through gossip, I think she’s being a little hypocritical.

I live about 100 miles away from the rest of my family, and they live somewhere where public transport is almost non-existent. Because I don’t drive, I need my parents to take me to see my family, and mum’s trying to stop me from telling anyone anything. Which sucks, as I can’t really openly pursue a gay relationship until I’ve moved out and stopped hiding things from people. So I need to convince her to stop. I’ve already come up with two good reasons to come out of the closet. Can anyone think of any others? Remember, this is to convince my conservative (but not religious) Mum.

Thanks for any help!

 

Yeah, you've got a point about my grandparents. But Mum doesn't want people to find out through hearsay, and seeing as my cousin's are all on facebook, it pretty much means a complete embargo on even casually mentioning I'm bi on there. And I am pretty close to my cousins.