This Is My Childhood

I grew up in a family that was, I prefer to say, "well off". I never wanted for anything, and money was never an issue. If I wanted it, I had it. I was royally spoiled but daily, my parents reminded me what I had was because of their hard work, and that it could be taken away. It kept me humble. Regardless, you'd think this would make for a good childhood right?

Well...

I had two major issues growing up. The first, and perhaps the worst of the two, was the church my family attended. Now, I freely admit I am Christian, despite the stories I am about to tell, but this place...haunts my dreams. This church was strict, and the rule of the pastor was absolute. When he said there was a required pant length for men, he was ready to get down and check it. There's a certain size for holiness don't you know? Heck, even where you sat was arranged for you. Despite this man preaching telling you to read the Bible, if you ever found something that didn't match up with what he said you were confused or possessed by demons trying to ruin him.

For years I watched this man preach the love of God, and yet showed no compassion as he paraded young people who had done something wrong in front of the church and kick them out. He tore apart families by encouraging them to "report" on each others sinful ways. This wasn't God! Yet I knew nothing else, and my parents, God bless them, felt it was the best for me. I struggled as much as I could, but it was battle I fought alone, and I felt for so long, against God. I have since left, and so has my family, but that place was a living nightmare. I wish, I had never been introduced to God there.

Second, something I think people here might understand to a greater degree, is bullying. Throughout my school career (up until high school, more on this later), I was verbally, and physically abused. Sometimes the abuse of my bullies would go beyond this...I hated my life, and I hated going to school. Heck, I hated going outside because they might be out there. I felt so different, and these bullies took time out of their day to remind me of that. That I was gay, nerdy, to dumb, to smart, and anything else you might think of. I cried to my parents all the time who told me it was part of growing up. Maybe it is...but it shouldn't, and I wish more had been done about it by the school staff. I spent years thinking I was inferior, and combined with my former church, I felt so lost in this world. I came close to being one of those people who thought suicide was preferable. Thank God I never pulled the trigger.

My 8th grade year, I remember that the day had gone particularity bad. I had looked at one of the kids who picked on me the wrong way, and he decided I had to pay for it. There was more that went on throughout the day, by different people, it just seemed like all the bullies had piled in me in one day to see if they could break me. On the bus ride home I figured it was all but over, until one kid (a senior in highchool no less) said something to me.

"I saw your Dad walking around town with his boyfriend you little faggot."

I can remember turning to him, and in a fury, beating the living daylights out of his face. I beat him so hard I cut my hands, and to this day have scars as proof. Obviously, I didn't get to ride the bus again. The next day when some kids decided to make fun of me, I did it again. All in all about three times, and every time I had the other kid on the ground until someone else pulled me off or they got away. I hated that violence had to be what solved that problem, but I can honestly say the bullying stopped. Some people have horror stories of bullies in high school, but none bothered me. A good thing? Sure, but it was still hard to make friends, and my loneliness was still there.

When I got older, and out of school things got better....I had a life of my own. I could go where I wanted when I wanted. I had money and resources to do the things I had to appease my parents to do before. I still don't have many friends, but perhaps now more then ever I appreciate quality rather then quantity. The friends I do have have proven to be invaluable assets in my short adult life, dealing with the issues that would be hard on my own. Also, why some may not like the Christian faith here, I have found a church that is truly what I believe followers of Christ should be. Non-judgmental and loving. They don't support homosexuals but man...I have yet to see them treat any poorly. When I was told they really don't want to judge and just let people have a relationship with Christ, I could hardly believe it!

I think what I went through all those years taught me to love rather then to hate, to forgive rather to seek vengeance, and to understand people are different then me but that doesn't make them monsters. I think it has allowed me to understand what others are going through, and I hope I can one day put those experiences to good use telling others that life will not always be that way. I think above all, despite the pain, it has made me a better person.

So what I am trying to say in a round about kinda way is...

It gets better.