There is so much that is wrong with it, things that I cannot possibly change now, because they would literally involve time travel. Even if I had that, it would create a paradox which is obviously bad But also if I was to somehow reboot my life, there is so much that I would lose as well... And there are so many people with much worse lives than me such as those living in poverty and war-torn countries, I should really be grateful for what I do have... I wish I could have two lives, so that every time I went to sleep I would switch between them I've done that before for a few days (accidentally), it drove me crazy So if I had that permanently, I would end up schizophrenic and subsequently killing myself in one of them, which may or may not be the real one And my medication has stripped me of my emotions, I only experience very brief spurts of any emotion, the rest of the time in daytime I'm neutral with tiny phases of depression, but at night I'm usually quite depressed... If I could reboot my life, I would want to keep all of the good things that I do have...but I know that the causal nexus formed as a result of the earlier changes in my life, right from when I was about 2 years old would totally change everything... Don't worry though, I'm definitely not suicidal, and never will be, I'm terrified of death and can't comprehend it...I hope there's an afterlife whether that be reincarnation or anything like that, although that doesn't make scientific sense But neither does consciousness in general, we're just lumps of subatomic particles... I don't even know what I'm on about, but...I don't know, someone fix this?
Everyone wants to "reboot" their life at some point in time, though they never can. All they can do is accept the past, move on, and use it to make a better future. Try to focus on what you do have and not on what you don't have. As for the meds, talk with your doc and tell him/her what you just told us.
I can't do that, because then my mum would find out and she doesn't shut up as it is, and it would be even worse if she knew... And it's better than having a seizure while crossing a road then dying
What do you mean she doesn't shut up as it is??? And I'm not saying that your doc would completely take you off meds, he'd probably step you off the ones you're taking, then put you on a different kind that'll (hopefully) help you better.
she's just ugh hard to describe, but she's always complaining about everything and blargh you'd understand if you met her, it's really hard to explain but basically she would end up complaining that i never confide in her i think most anticonvulsants mess up your emotions anyway :/
You may feel trapped as you are now, unable to change your past or future but it's never too late, just learn from your mistakes in the past to make a better future for yourself. Time will pass and old scars will heal just try to avoid making new ones. Death may be inevitable but I don't see why you should spend your life worrying about it, that's like having a holiday but ignoring it to spend the whole time thinking about how you're going to have to go home in the end, it's inevitable, just enjoy the holiday while it lasts, let it make an impact on you and others, that's the whole point. There's no point thinking about what might happen when you get home either, whatever comes will come whether you want it to or not, you're not pschic, if it's good then that's just a bonus. Sorry for my lengthy metephor... Anywho concentrate on the now, life may have led you up this path but it's not as-if it's one way, i'd try to do something to motivate yourself, take up something you enjoy, clear your mind a bit (Maybe lose the meds if they're making you feel apathetic), try to appreciate the little things.
Do you think she's always complaining because she loves you and just wants to make sure you're ok?? Really think about this, because there's a difference between just complaining to complain, and asking out of concern. And even if most anticonvulsants mess with emotions, I'm sure there's that one that wouldn't. Isn't it worth it to try and find that one???
I know that it's because she loves me and has a heart of gold underneath it all, but that doesn't make what she does any less present I think there are a couple but my doctors are stupid doc: "right we'll probably put you on sodium valproate" *look at sheets of a couple of meds, this one has the fewest side effects* -at the last minute doc: "oh we'll put you on lamotrigine" 2 seizures later, me: "dude this isn't working" doc: "nah it's working fine" 6 seizures later, me: "THIS IS NOT WORKING AT ALL" doc: "what medicine are you on" me: "lamotrigine" doc: "i have no idea why i put you on that hmmm try this one that i picked out of a hat" me: *facepalm* i asked for the sodium valproate and he was just like nahhhh i'm sure you can see why my doctor is currently stressing me out i just hate my past so much, so much is missing from it and things have formed me into someone that i hate, and seemingly other people do too. people seem to like me for the first like few days then they get bored and irritated with me :/
Try telling your mom that. Communication is key. Can you see another doc?? Do you think you come on strong to people??
i know what it is to hate your past, trust me i had rough too. but it makes who we i may try to run away from that fact but all it has done is destroyed mental accept whats happened realise your better than it and move on
the thing is, what stings is that the things about my past that i hate are generally my fault, and not other people's :/ i can't see another doctor because it's nhs i think i might come on strong to people but i can never tell while i'm doing it :/
Like I said before, accept that you've made mistakes(like all other humans) and try to move on. Focus on the good things you've done and all the good things you CAN do. Clearify, please. What's nhs??? Often people(including me) can come on strong but don't realize it at the time. If you think that's the problem then try to relax more and just be a toned down version of yourself(but still yourself). You say they get bored of you, well try not to be too shy(assuming that you're shy).
Ah, ok. So because it's nhs you can't switch docs?? That's odd. Well maybe it's time to really push to have a serious talk with your doc about how he communicates with you. Or if you really want, tell your mom. From what you've told me, it sounds like she could make your doc more serious. Btw thanks Elven for clearifying.
I think he's the only epilepsy specialist at the L&D anyway so :/ He isn't my GP, my GP is fine...just with things like epilepsy you need a specialist I find it so hard to accept my mistakes because I'm reminded of them every day just by seeing certain people and certain things, with some of those people actually being pretty good friends of mine and one of the things being a sports field that I walk across every weekday
Well talk with him and really push that you're serious about finding meds that work with you. Is there any other route you can take besides the field?? Even if it's a bit longer, atleast it won't remind you. And like I said before, try focusing on the positive no matter how hard it is. I know you must've done things that you're proud of, so focus on those things. And whenever you're being reminded of your mistakes tell yourself that your over them and don't care anymore, even if it's a lie. If you keep doing this, then eventually you will get over them.
oh no there really isn't...although in the mornings a lot of the time it isn't that bad because i'm too tired to actually think about like, anything but yeah i will try and do that, thank you
