I've had a bizarre 48 hours. This weekend, I finally acknowledged and somewhat accepted that I am gay. This is something I've somewhat known for the last 8+ years, but completely refused to deal with. It's especially weird because nothing monumental (besides the obvious) happened. I mostly spent this weekend tooling around my house and getting some errands done, but for some reason it gave me adequate time to reflect on my life.. or something. It's weird, today I realized I've spent the last 8 years cycling through the first 3 stages of 'grief' (denial, anger, bargaining). But in the last 48 hours I've been cycling through depression (probably too strong of a word, let's say sadness) and acceptance, with occasional anger. But one thing is certain. When I'm riding the acceptance wave it is the most euphoric I think I've ever felt. In my whole life, I've never been able to force myself to say "I'm gay" outloud.. ever.. But this morning I whispered it in the shower where I knew none of my roomates would be able to overhear me. But now, as I can already tell, comes the hard stuff. When seeing and talking with friends today, it was the first time I felt as if I had a secret I was keeping. I'm fairly straight acting (people have had their suspicions, but that's aside). I've never kissed a boy or even publicly expressed interest in them, and I've only kissed a few girls and only when I was drunk. I've tricked people (including myself) into thinking the reason I didn't have a girlfriend was because I was too busy with school as a graduate student. After writing all of this, I am unsure what the exact reason for me putting up this post is... I guess it might be in order to just make it public. Having other souls, even anonymous ones, know and read this is a step beyond me whispering in the shower.. But I suppose I do have a few questions/concerns/etc. 1). I am really unsure how, when, and who to come out to. I've done some googling and whatnot. But being a planner, I am trying to schedule things... One of my very best friends is visiting in 3 weeks, but her and I don't stay in that good of contact. I also have a roomate I get along with the best who I know would be supportive and understanding, but I've only known her for a year, and I'm not sure if I'm close enough with her for her to be the first one. Even worse, I have one male roomate who I know is very homophobic... but he'll be a chore for much later. I think it might be nice to tell my understanding roomate to have a support system just down the hall from me. But telling one of my closest friends of 5+ years when she visits seems like a great option too... Again I'm not sure if there is an exact question in there.. 2). Along with planning, I'm trying to somewhat schedule when to tell my parents. I don't go home all that often, and I figure it should be in person rather than phone/e-mail. I'm going home for Thanksgiving, but I know that's way too soon. I'd like to explore my new identity locally before bringing it across the country and sharing it. Even Christmas seems a little early to me... Also, is this something that I should do on a major holiday if it's going to cause drama? But these are the days when my siblings and brother in laws and such are around, all together. Another option is to tell each of my 3 sisters seperately. The only problem with this is I think I'll really want to tell my brother-in-laws themselves. I'm not overly close with them, but they seem slightly (definitely not strongly) homophobic. I'd just rather they hear it from me than have it already turn into gossip from my sisters. 3. A community. I am 23, and have been living in a new city for a little over a year for graduate school. I wish I had made this realization when I first moved. I know have established friends with established perceptives of who I am. I don't have any gay friends, or even know where to start meeting people. I would welcome any advice here.. Again, I guess these are just my musings. While writing this I went through an anger/denial bout (see stages of grief above), and almost closed out the browser. If anything, acknowledge that you've read this, so that I've come out to someone else besides myself. Thanks
Hola, If you're just now admitting it to yourself, I'd say slow down and give yourself some time to adjust a little more before coming out to other people. There's no reason to rush into it before you're ready. Is there a gay student group at your school? If so, I think that would be a place to start. See if you can make some gay friends so you have more of a support system and not feel so isolated. I wouldn't advise coming out to your folks on a major holiday; definitely tell a couple of other people before you tell your family, depending on how you think they'll take it. The accepting roommate is the one I'd start with. But like I say, you might want to give yourself some time and see if you can meet some other gay people first.
First of all. Welcome to EC! :smilewave Coming out to yourself is the hardest coming out your will ever face. Secondly, only come out to your friends and family when you are ready to. The best piece of advice I got when I joined EC was that coming out is not a race. Come out when you are ready. Just because you will be home for the holidays, don't think you need to squeeze it in. You may want to wait and become more comfortable with the idea that you are gay. If you can see if there is a LBGT support group in your college and also hang around here for a bit. When you are ready to come out to people you will just know.
Welcome to EC! This is a great place to be to talk and share your experiences. Reading your post, I understand what you are going through. I went through the same exact thing when I came out. I kept it inside for so long and I uttered it to myself while pacing around my dorm room. It was such a release. Remember to go at your own pace.
Thank you. It's good to be told to slow down. As a PhD student, efficiency and accomplishment literally rule my life (60-70 hr work weeks)... Part of me views this new thing as another checkbox to be checked off so I can proceed with life. Such that it is an interference with what I should be doing... As for school groups I'm guessing there are. I'm a little nervous being a graduate student though. I am a teaching assistant for several classes, and I just feel like it will be weird. Obviously something I just need to come to terms with though. Thanks for the advice.
Dude congrats! I'm 18 and the same thing happen to me a few months ago - I went on a vacation and I had a sudden realization. I say try not to stress out and just do what feels right. Whenever I came out to someone it was just natural - not too much planning. Give yourself some time to become more comfortable with yourself and then try coming out to a close friend you know will accept you and make you feel good. As far as your family goes, if it feels uncomfortable don't do it. I still haven't come out to mine, but I am just now finally feeling comfortable enough with myself to do it. Why? Because I've realized by talking and meeting other gay people here at college that being gay is no big deal at all. I used to think it was so strange and taboo, now I realize it is no big deal. It just gets better from here on out. These next few months are going to be awesome, try not to stress out about it! Congrats on coming out and welcome to EC!
Hi Listen If you just came out to yourself I think you dont need to rush things and tell everybody. You maybe need a little more time for that unless you are ready enough... I wish you the best
Lol, I waited seven years before coming out to everyone, and five years before coming out to my first person (Yes, I was eight when I realised I was gay). A few days is nothing. Before you come out, you're going to have to become complete at ease with your sexuality. The way to know you're ready is to actually try to say the words to someone else, and chances are, the first few hundred times, it will be impossible. Then something will click, and you'll come out to the world. It'll be great. You'll have to deal with crap, but there will be a lot more acceptance. The first person you come out to should be gay, without question. Since this isnt always possible, the next in line should be a friend that you've tested for homophobia. Parents should usually come last, because they are the least likey to take it well, although thats not to say they wont take it well. About where to find the LGBT community, I'm struggling with that because of the incredibly low population count where I live. You can try on the web. Communities will usually have a webpage and directions, ect. You'll have to end up telling your roommate some day, because when your out to the world, things go even worse when people find out without you telling them, and trust me, they find out. But when you have half the world supporting you, one idiot, even if you live with him, wont seem too bad
Hi there and welcome to EC! You've definitely come to the right place! On all your points - DON'T RUSH. I know there's a feeling of those 'lost' 8 years, but that doesn't mean you have a make up for them. Those years have all contributed to who you are and what you can contribute to a relationship or to the LGBT community. If you've just come to terms with this yourself, you have a bit of work to do on yourself before you're likely ready to come out to lots of other people. You're come to the right place. Read some of the 'coming out' stories from people who have come before you. Get a sense as to how they've come about it and when. For me, I didn't tell my parents for 9 months after I came to terms with the fact that I was gay. I separated from my wife, sold my house and moved, and had actually met my new partner all before I told my parents WHY all of these things had to happen. Good luck! And again - welcome!
I can relate to this so much at the moment. Admitting it to yourself and recognising that you want to do something about it is hard and you've taken a huge step by doing that. And know that you're not the only one going through this. As for your questions about how/when to come out, I don't know how much advice i can give as i haven't really figured that out for myself, but I agree that you definitely shouldn't rush it if you're not ready. It does take time. It's about finding a balance I think - don't push yourself to do something you're really not comfortable with but don't let yourself slip back into denial. Like you, I like to be organised and plan every detail but i've found that things like this can't really be planned. Sometimes you just have to let it happen. If you manage to tell your friend, great. If not, don't beat yourself up about it. It's still early days. Congrats on getting this far and good luck with the next step.
I want to thank you all so much for your support and advice. I think yesterday I was excited and jacked up on accepting this for myself, and was raring to go. Today I definitely realized this is going to be a slow process, which I am totally okay with. I haven't told anyone, it was just a realization. So no need to worry about me rushing. The chill pill has been taken. And I also came up with a little technique, that I thought maybe I'd share. I'm a little systematic and planned (note - that does not read nerdy! haha). And I made a decision that first I want to be gay at places. Yesterday when I came to terms with it, I uttered "I'm gay" in the shower, outloud for the first time ever, and it was such a relief. Today I spent little times throughout the day, just broadening where I've been gay. I said it quietly in the kitchen while making breakfast this morning, knowing all my roomates were sleeping. Also, I said it at about 5 different times during the day at my lab. In the bathroom, alone at my desk, etc. Once, I was at the lab bench with a co-worker right next to me, and I whispered it while we were running a loud peice of machinery. It felt great! It was just liberating to acknowledge and be gay to myself, in these situations. I'm gonna ride this technique for awhile. I'm, going back home across the country for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, and I know that for these 2 times, I just want to experience 'being gay' at home. No one else back home needs to know yet. Don't know if this technique is useful for anyone else, but it's been great for me
Haha that's funny. Sounds like a good system to me though. What I did was I road down the road and screamed out of my car when there were no other cars on the block "I'M GAY!" It just felt so good to scream it and not just whisper it. Took me a few times around the block before I could finally do it though, but it really helped a lot.
Hey! I'm glad that you finally had the courage to admit to yourself that you are gay. It's a big step. I don't know that I'm really qualified to give advice about anything now, but I'm going to anyways. Definitely slow down. Don't tell anybody until you're comfortable enough with yourself to share. If you're strategy oriented, you'll like the next part. The goal in a strategy-based coming out is to build as big of a support base as possible before telling people like parents, relatives, and people who you don't think will react well. That way, if you do end up receiving an unfavorable reaction, you will have many wonderful, caring friends to support you in your whatever-emotion-you-may-have. Of course, all of this comes when you're ready.
Congratulations (*hug*) Coming out to yourself is a huge step and the most important one. And I can understand your excitement of finaly coming to terms with this. Just make sure to be comfortable with yourself before starting a massive coming out, otherwise, things might get a bit overwhelming for you and you may not be so comfortable. Take your time, coming out is not a race. You've just coming to terms with the fact you're gay. Take your time to explore this a little and to get to know yourself better before taking the next step. And when you'll feel ready to come out, maybe you can start with a close friend or family member that you trust, like a sibling if you have one. Anyway, you're welcome to stay around EC It's a great place to get to be more comfortable with the fact you're gay. Make yourself at home Take care, Cécile
For now, don't worry about the parents. I've known I'm bi for five years now and still haven't told them. Just focus on the first person. Try the room-mate, I'd say. A safety net is so good to have in the process of coming out. One tactic, this is what I did, is to tell one person and let them tell other people. Try that. Thing (*hug*)
I like your method of being gay in different places, neat idea. I recently came out to my Mom and two friends, and I find that its not really a thing you can plan for, it has to be when you are most comfortable, albeit I was incredibly nervous during the few times that I did come out, but I guess its a work in progress. Anyway I may just have to steal your method I need to be more comfortable with saying that "I am gay".
Welcome to EC. I must say that technique is something I should try, I have accepted in my mind at least that I am gay but saying out loud is something I have yet to do, I know it's wrong but I kinda feel embarrassed and shamed since I come from a very homophobic community. I think I will start trying that, maybe it will help me come to terms with my new identity. Goodluck mate and trust me I know exactly what you are going through. .x
