Help, I'm lost.

It is crazy how much your post resembles something I could have written. I'm afraid I'm no help... I only came out to myself this weekend (and joined EC today). But at least I can say you aren't alone, as we are indeed in the exact same situation. I wish you luck

 

Hey guys. I can maybe give a little advice to both of you. I came out at 14 about a week after I myself discovered my sexuality. It sounds like I'm brave, but in reality my mother walked in on me and another guy making out and I was forced to deny myself or deal with all the sh*t to come. I chose to deal.

I'm not saying this to try and make myself sound like some great example, just so you know where I am coming from. At 14 I had barely mad an image for myself. It was the summer before highschool started, so I really was starting fresh. Well my mother forbade me to tell the other kids at school. She said it was "so they wouldn't mustreat me" when in reality it was her own discomfort at the supposed "situation" and I think she had this fantasy that I was going through a phase.

Well in 11th grade I did come out to everyone when I was in boarding school. Once I did I realized how much support there was in a mature atmosphere (boarding school for gifted kids, but similar to a college atmosphere) and when I went back to my home and confronted all the hometown friends all they wanted to say is "Why?"

Now you have probably thought that's what you will hear, but it wasn't "Why are you gay?" it was "Why didn't you tell us before?" They were hurt more then anything that I didn't trust them. I had to explain that it wasn't that. That in fact I was forced into not telling.

Well your situation is different, but not so much. You, like so many other gays, are being repressed by a feeling of oppression from parents and your peers. That is normal, and especially seeing your father expressing negative emotions towards a family member in the same situation as you. That's the same as having racist parents and then the children share those feelings later in life unless they make a conscious to overpower them.

So that's what you need. Get with your most open minded friend, and take the first step. Tell him/her (usually girls are more understanding but not always) and go from there at your own speed. There is no right or wrong way, but denying yourself is as unhealthy as not eating. You can't cut a part of yourself off and hide it away.

Maybe you could also find a local PFLAG. Then there would be parents, children, potential friends who could provide the support you were lacking as a child. You would be surprised how much parents can change also. My mom threatened to kill me when she found out, but now she would sacrifice herself to defend me. It takes time, tears, and understanding on both sides to work through the jumble of psychosis the bigoted oppressors, who came here in search of religious freedom, laid down for us to deal with.

If you need to talk feel free to message me anytime.

-Matthew

 

Oasis - I'm in the exact same position as you, except that I've been pretending to be a woman for 25 years, when I've really felt emotionally and mentally male this whole time. The persona I invented for others - an aloof straight woman with impossibly high standards - was just a mask to keep people from seeing my true identity and/or trying to sleep with me when I wasn't receptive. Like you, I was so uncomfortable with gender and sex I avoided the topics entirely and tried to keep all focus off of my life and on other peoples' problems.

I don't have much advice to give you, other than that it's never too late to live your own life. I just came out to my brother yesterday out of the blue and you'd be amazed at how liberating it is to not have to live a lie anymore, if even to only one or two people.

 

Hi oasis,it sounds like you have reached your "coming out" stage and feel that little something nigling away at you to get started.

Most people find it better to choose a good friend,who they think will be accepting,and able to keep quiet then come out to them when alone.Once you manage to get out to one,with a good reaction,you will feel alot better and soon want to tell another friend or two.

As far as them thinking you have been lieing etc,you can just say youve just realised a few things lately and have worked out you are bi or gay, whatever your going with.

As far as family goes,even you dad ,all have a gay relative and this could make it a bit easier for them to understand when you tell them.Are you close enough to come out to your uncle as the first family member?If you did this you would have some support and maybe get some tips on who is/isnt accepting and comfortable within your own family,it would also be a safe bet and help you get the confidence to tell close family.

This is a difficult barrier to break, but once you get it out the way life is so much better,no more lieing and avoiding awkward situations.Leaving yourself in the lonely situation you have now is not healthy and often ends in depresion so by posting this you have taken the first step in helping yourself.Dont worry you are ten years to late,coming out is only done when YOU feel ready and at YOUR pace.

Good luck.

 

Oasis, I didn't come out til later in life, and since most of friends thought I was straight I thought there was no way this gonna work. i'd have to get anew circle of friends, but I can tell you that was true, while I did loose a small amount of friends, I kept the ones that were loyal and gained some new ones.

If your worried your sexuality is going to change everything, I can tell that is what i thought, and it doesn't. Your sexual taste is NOT the thing that defines you, its just a part of you.
The hardest step was telling that first person, find someone, anyone, you know you can trust and tell them. One becomes two, two becomes four and so on.

When you look back at yourself a year from now, you'll wonder what the hell was so damn scary in the first place.

 

Welcome to EC (all)! A few random things, some of which will be a rerun, but it bears repeating.

I can understand the concern of what people will think, especially if you faked a persona. But judging from the comments I've seen in situations like these, I wouldn't worry myself too much. First off, if you haven't been dating, people start wondering. They start thinking those "I'd do her" comments are exactly what they are - a smoke screen. Secondly, these are presumably people you care about, and have some sort of connection with. They'll understand on some level that you put on a front not because you enjoyed fucking with them, but because you were scared to make a move. Thirdly, if the problem really is "I've been lying to them for years", the correct move isn't "...so I'll continue the lie." That just prolongs the issue. The correct move is "...so I'll need to make a move so I can get beyond that."

Your father's issue with his brother isn't uncommon. On a positive note, though, if he's "uncomfortable" with him, that means he's at least making an attempt. He's not simply shutting a door and saying "I won't have anything to do with him". He'll no doubt have some uncomfortableness around you as well, but it's something that can (and probably will) be overcome.

The most important bit is this. You're late starting out. It happens. But you'll notice that on those moving sidewalks (walkways) that everybody faces forward. That's because all the cool stuff is coming up. Looking backwards means you just get to see the stuff you might have missed. Looking forward shows you what has yet to come, and what you can still do. So resolve to turn around. Face forward. Start coming out to yourself, start taking moves to get more comfortable with it, and no matter how stalled out your (sex/romantic/relationship) life was up until this point, resolve that it's gonna kick ass starting right now.

Lex

 

Hi, Oasis and welcome to EC. I understand how you are feeling. I was there too, at one time. However, it took me until I was about 40 to finally come out. I also feared what others who knew me as a straight guy, who had been married and had kids, would think. The reality was that I received tremendous support when I came out. Everyone understood how hard it had been for me, and they were immensely happy for me. Nobody was mad because I “lied” to them. Now, life is great. I am leading the life that I want and have the most incredible partner I could ever ask for. I now understand how it feels to be crazy in love with someone.

Take it from me, you are never too old to come out. I meet people every week who came out later in life, some of them even later than me. As Lex said, don’t worry about the past. This is your life, and now is the chance to live it to the fullest, regardless of what you have or have not done in the past. Once you feel you are ready, coming out is generally a liberating and exhilarating process. Once you do it and move past your own hang-ups about being gay, life can be really great.

EC is a great site to seek help and support. Please let us know what we can do for you.

 

Hey Oasis, once again it's just crazy how much your second message feels like you're writing my thoughts. I too, last week, never would have thought of coming to a site like this. I also have debated staying a bachelor for life, and have weighed the costs/benefits to forcing a heterosexual relationship. I've even had that thought that at my age I'm about 1/3, or 1/4 done with life, and if I can just fake it the rest the way it will be over and I will have 'succeeded'. Obviously these are terrible and irrational thoughts.

In my previous post "Yesterday I came out, to myself" I seemed very urgent to get this coming out process over asap. However, thinking through the reality of it, I've now realized it's going to be a slow process.

Today was great though. I just typed a new technique I discovered today on my post, you want to go there and check it out. Might work for you, might not. Worth a shot

But if nothing else, gotta reemphasize that we are going through the same thing right now. It's the thoughts of my new envisioned future that has me excited. Hope the same goes for you. When successful, we won't have to worry about 'counting down the days of life' like I was... We're only gonna live once, and it's not worth being miserable to stay within a couple people's expectations.