Hi again, So it's been about a week since I finally admitted to myself that I am gay. It's been a weird just adjusting to the truth. I wanted to come out to someone I work with last on Saturday night but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I am very close with this person. She is older then me, married, with kids but I consider her to be one of my best friends. I was over her house drinking on her back porch and she started asking me about girls, etc. Now I think I should give you a little background information. I was in graduate school last year and there was this girl that I pursued for most of the year. In retrospect, and even at the time I knew how dumb of an idea it was. I knew I was gay, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I think the reason I chased her was because I knew she was unobtainable. She was hooking up with a friend of mine for a good part of the year. So it wasn't going to happen, which is good because I don't know what I would have done if something actually happened between us. But anyway….I pursued her and I would tell my friend (the one I work with) and her husband about my trials and tribulations with her. So they both think that I'm this nice guy with bad luck with girls. If you read my previous post you know that the biggest issue I have about being gay is having to face the lies of told, and out of all of them having to face her and explain that everything I said about liking girls, wanting to date this girl, being upset when nothing happened, etc has the be the hardest. Honestly if I told her she would probably understand, but I think it might also damage our friendship and that would hurt me more then anything. I consider her to be a quasi-mother figure. So I couldn't bring myself to tell her, even though I wanted to. I'm 25, no longer in school, searching for full-time employment, and still living with my parents in NJ. So lately I've been thinking about moving away, possibly to Los Angeles or Austin. I just think a move and fresh start where I can be gay from the beginning and not have to pretend I'm straight might be a good idea, but we'll see if I have the guts to go through with it, I did apply for a job out in LA though! In my previous post it was suggested that I talk to someone, like a support group or something. Does anyone know a good resource to find one? Sorry for the length of this post and the fact that it's just me rambling about nothing but writing about it to others who understand makes me feel better.
I'm not going to lie and say that everybody is completely understanding. But it's been my experience - secondhand, since I didn't have any direct - that when somebody comes out after having build up a wall of lies and obfuscation, most people get it. They understand that living in the closet is a worrisome place, and that people will be willing to lie and hide things even from the people closest to them in order to protect themselves from potential hurt. And I think that's due to HOW those people eventually come out. Let's say when you were on the porch with her, and she asked you about girls, you answered "You still think I'm interested in girls? I'm gay - I can't believe you fell for all that stuff I said earlier." Then you'd be an asshole. And she'd have ever right to feel upset and hurt. But most people in your position don't come out like that. They have to steel themselves. They build it up for a long time. There's deflection, and nervous laughter, and handwringing, and maybe some tears before the final "confession". And when that happens, people see firsthand the sort of agonizing that's going on. They don't think of it as "he was fucking with me" - they get that this was something you were so afraid of that you were willing to lie to people closest to you. Chances are that she (or somebody else) will say something along the lines of "You should know you can always tell me anything". This isn't an indictment of you lying to them - it's a confirmation that they're going to stick with you through it all, and that you should never again feel the need to lie about what you're going through. It is, in other words, a fantastic thing to hear. As far as moving, that's certainly an option. I would suggest visiting places before applying there. Each city has its own "vibe", and it's best to sort of feel it firsthand before jumping in. And don't feel like the biggest cities are your only options - there are plenty of happy-and-out gays in towns of all sizes. Lex
I can tell you I felt the same way. I'd weaved a web of bullshit that would have made those giant spiders from Lord of the Rings proud; but, when I came out no one brought any of that up. Lex is right, most people will get it. You were scared, confused so you told some lies to try and cover it. Truth is EVERYONE has done that, maybe not in this situation, but in life. So, most people won't make a big deal, Can some? Sure. But those people are what I would refer to as asshole-dickwads. And, by coming out you can test to see who is loyal friend and who aren't. Negetive people are a cancer and just it, you need to cut them out of your life. When I wanted to come out I was a uber-freaked as you are right now. "What about all the stuff I've said?" "What is everyone looks at me different?" Well, I'm standing on almost 2 years out and I'm gonna tell ya, Coming out was the best thing I've ever done. You can look at a guy without feeling like you gotta hide, you can comment on some hot piece of man freely without holding it in. You're gonna love it on this side of the closet. Now for the realistic point: Not everyone is gonna be ok with it, some may just need time to adjust. Good luck out there
Hi,just a thought,moving away and being out to everyone from the start sounds good and pretty easy,but unless you cut off all family and friends you will still have to live a double life never allowing anyone to visit etc.The initial loneliness without family/friends for support could be difficult and damaging. When in your sittuation,you really "have nothing to lose" in comeing out where you are now and keeping the moving away option for if things dont turn out as you want with family etc.We all go through this stage,believing no one will accept us,hating us for lyeing etc but once we get the courage to spill the beans its like a big anticlimax because no one else is really bothered.As always if you dont make a big deal out it niether will anyone else.
Just like last time, thanks for everyone that has posted their advice. I know you are all right. I know if I were have told my friend she probably would have been surprised (or not, I dunno) but she would have understood. I guess there comes a point where I have to make that leap of faith and just trust that everything will be ok on the other side. I know that not everyone will be ok with it and if they're not they aren't worth my time. I just need to find a way to stop being afraid. I've been afraid my whole life and look where it has gotten me. I've isolated myself from the world because I'm scared to be who I am. I need to change that. I'm going to try and find some kind of group or something in the south jersey/philadelphia area. Everyone here has been amazing but I think I should talk to others face-to-face. If anyone knows a good resource to find something like this please let me know.
So it has been a few weeks since I've last posted. I've been really busy with work, Thanksgiving, and other things that I really haven't given me being gay a whole lot of thought. I did find a community center near where I live that has a support line. I've actually had the number for a few a while now but I didn't have to courage to call, but the other night I finally forced myself to do it. I had to leave my house to do it, since I live at home and wanted privacy. So I made the call from my car in a supermarket parking lot, which probably sounds crazy. I was really nervous and almost hung up. When someone did answer he asked me my story and I awkwardly told him. He was very kind and understanding, and for the most part said what everyone else on this board has said. But I told him that I'm gay, which is something I've never spoken to anyone, and even though I never met this guy it was an incredible relief to to say to someone. I don't really like talking on the phone, so we only really talked for about 15 minutes but I did set up an appointment for this coming week to actually go to the place and talk with him. I'm actually really looking forward to it. I don't know what will come of it but hopefully it helps guide me in the direction to honesty and freedom.
That's great Congratulations for calling that community center (*hug*) it's a huge step done. I'm glad that you have find that place that could provide you help and support. Let us know how the appointment went. (*hug*) Take care, Cécile
Hey Oasis, that's good of you to take that step. Nah, not crazy to go out to make that call. I hope you find the courage/moxy/guts to move ahead with your life. Hopefully those around you will be cool about it and supportive. I had a meeting with a guy at a GLBT center about five years ago and he was great, but I still haven't made any progress due to my own stubborn nature. I was super nervous going to that meeting, but quickly calmed down while talking to the counselor and it was a really good chat. I'm sure you'll do better than I did if you're not stubborn and if you really want to be free from the suffocating closet. Best regards.
Well after some time away I have an update to my story. First off, I went to the community center about 3 weeks ago for a counseling session. It went very well. My counselor was very helpful and understood everything that I said. He wanted me to set a goal for the next time we met and I decided that I was going to come out to one of my best friends...which I did, today! I wanted to do it a lot sooner but she has been busy and hasn't had time to hang out. But I was finally able to get her to go out to lunch today. So after after we were done with lunch and hanging out I drove her home, and I was kind of freaking out a bit and being very quiet. I was kind of waiting for a lull in the conversation but she kept talking, lol. We were getting very close to her house and I came close to not doing it. As we were right in front of her house I interrupted her and asked if she had a few extra minutes. She said yes and I continued driving and that's when I told her. It went really well! She was really understanding and supportive. She asked some questions and I answered them honestly. We didn't talk that long, maybe 15 minutes or so but I guess I can officially say that I am out of the closet to someone I know!
Well done,it takes alot of courage coming out for the first time. I am sure you will find it easier from now,in time it just seems natural to let people know. Good luck,youve already come a long way in a short time.
First off i have to say this. While it is difficult to come out to people who believed you to be straight by your own actions and comments, you haven't hurt anyone other then yourself. Take solice in that and use that if you have to give yourself a shot of courage. And as Lex says below, they should be understanding. Thanks Lex, as always a fountain of reason and good info.
