The past week or so has just been crappy. No matter how good my day was, I always feel shitty. It's like I'm in a funk but it feels like it's never going to end. I just want to cry right now. I always feel lonely and just...all alone. I miss the past, how things were before now. I'm thinking about talking to my psychiatrist and seeing if I can get an dosage uppage on my Abilify(I'm currently taking Abilify and Trileptal). I just feel like my whole world is moving slower and it sucks. Nothing seems to be going good. The only thing I want right now is to cry onto someones shoulder, but this is how I feel every single night/day. My drive to do anything is gone. It feels like even though my whole world is going slower, a part of me is on "Emergency Mode" and is freaking out. Like an alarm is going off. It's hard to explain but it hurts really badly and I think I need to do something soon. What do you think?? Please give me some advice because I feel like I'm going to break down and I'm really scared.
If it's any comfort, I might know how you feel...I've been clinically depressed for most of my life, and am still on medication. Although I'm not always depressed, I was depressed for the majority of high school, to the point that there are certain parts of 9th and 10th grade I can't remember all that well. And whatever people say to make you feel that it's not, while only you definitely have the power to help yourself, in the end, being depressed to that point is chemical and, in its origin, beyond your control, and, if you do, you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You really need to be in therapy if you feel that way. Have you considered therapy outside a psychiatrist, from a social worker, or someone who's more "goal-oriented", towards getting through everyday life? Ultimately, that helped me a lot. I don't know that much specifically about your situation, so it's hard to give you specific advice. For me, loneliness was largely self-created, from having reservations about reaching out to people and such horribly low self-confidence in myself. It isn't always, but there are ways of dealing with it. If there's nobody to reach out to and create human connection, or if you feel incapable of doing it, sometimes reading books and seeing movies, for me anyway, about people in similar situations to myself or those I've been in, makes me feel less lonely. Reading more books/watching more movies/reading essays about the gay male experience has helped me a lot with some of my feelings of alienation regarding my sexuality and its place in the world...as with depression.
That's what I think it is. I'm bipolar and I think the chemicals in my brain are messed up right now, but I can't do anything about it, which freaking sucks. Well I also see a therapist. And I just don't have enough motivation to pick up a book/movie, even if it'll relate to me.
