I am an 18 year-old male. I have been in a serious relationship with a girl for two years and four months. We are engaged, though we don't plan on getting married for several years. We have a pretty healthy sexual relationship; we both find each other attractive and we both really enjoy sex. My problem is that I am bisexual, and that causes me guilt regarding our relationship. Though my girlfriend is also bisexual, it is different for her. She’s had past relations with other women, while I haven’t had past relations with anyone. I find her bisexuality to be extremely sexy, but to her, my bisexuality is a mixed deal. Sometimes she will say how she thinks it could be sexy, but then other times she says that the thought of me and another man together is intensely unattractive. She says that she can only imagine me in a submissive sexual role, and that, reasonably, is unattractive to her. But I can’t help what I feel. Before dating her, I had the feeling that I was completely gay, and not bisexual. But now I think that I am attracted to both men and women, maybe a little more to men and less to women. But because of the way she thinks, I have tried to downplay my sexuality, in other words, not mention any homosexual thoughts. It’s gotten to the point where I feel guilty for feeling them. All throughout our relationship though, despite ample sexual attention from my girlfriend, I’ve always had this nagging desire, this continuous attraction for men. I regularly masturbate to pictures of men, but almost never to women. I always notice hot guys, but not as often do I see girls that I think are attractive. When I do, the attraction is the same, but it just doesn’t happen as often with women. This has gone on ever since I first had sexual feelings, and I’m used to it by now. But I promised that as long as I was in this relationship, I would keep these feeling to myself, and make sure that my girlfriend stayed oblivious of the extent of my attraction to men. This has only become a problem recently because my girlfriend confronted me and asked me if I masturbated to porn or not. Before she asked, I had maintained that I did not masturbate at all because I had no desire to do so (this was, unfortunately, a lie). So I told the partial truth: I told her that I masturbated once or twice a week (another lie, the real amount is more) but never out of lust or desire (another lie) and never to any images (another lie) and I always thought of her (another lie). How could I tell her the truth, that almost every day I masturbate to pictures of men, and never to women? She didn’t buy my lie for long and came back to me, asking if I had been completely truthful. Now I don’t know what to do. I’m scared that if I tell her the full truth, that I masturbate to pictures of men, and almost never to pictures of women, she will think that I am completely gay and that she is wasting her time with me. My future with her is extremely important to me. I know that I love her and I know that I want to raise a family with her. But I have these strong feelings of lust that I can’t explain, and I don’t know if it will hurt her or cause our relationship to suffer. But on the other hand, I know that we should be honest to each other. But I’m scared what that might cause. I don’t know what to do.
Hello Jake, and welcome to EC You're in a tough position. But before diving in the problem, I want you to ask yourself this question: Why did I fell in love with my girlfriend? What is what she does or she has that is different? That is the starting point on finding your solution. Please be truthful to yourself on those reasons. Evaluate your starting point. After that, ask yourself the following: Have I changed? Am I a different person from the guy that was single and thought he was gay? How has she affected my change, if any? These questions will help you understand if you've changed for her, or because of her. I think you are in that place where most bisexuals are misunderstood. People often don't understand bisexuality because they take "gender pride" too seriously. As if, I am dating a woman, she gets upset when I look at other women, but she gets offended when I look at other guys. Bisexuality is maybe the hardest one to find a real balance and I really wish you archive it soon, for the sake of your happiness. In my honest opinion, the base for all steady, long-term, looking-to-form-a-family relationships must be based on honesty and integrity. If your foundation are a big bunch of lies, it will fall apart. People do not understand this and they prefer to live a beautiful relationship while ignoring the facts. It is just a facade, they know that when they speak up, they might lose it all. It is really the way you say it. How you say it, when you say it, and where you say it. If you're going to speak the truth, try for her to feel like it's a struggle for you to have this mixed feelings but also make her consider that she might have similar feelings once in a while. Tell her that you like men, but you like her best. Tell her that you love her, that she is everything to you, and no woman--or man can change that. And even though you aren't married, you should also try to see a counselor together. Or see a counselor first by yourself, and then extend an invitation for her. She sort-of needs to know that you're afraid of losing her. And if she really, really loves you, you two will push through this. I really do wish you the best of the lucks.
She should be able to accept you for who you are. If she can't, is that really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?
I would hold the phone with the getting married ...until you figure out who you really are. You can cause alot of hurt by getting married and then divorced later once you realize you were not really into women...but just playing "the game" of life..and wanting to belief you were interested in women and getting married and having a family ..the whole nine yards... Good luck...and give it some time too think what you really want... dont make any hasty decisions... (&&&) ps...be yourself...
I was in a relationship with a girl for 6 years and we were engaged to be married also. I repressed my feelings for other men for years and had gotten to a point where I thought that I could just "forget" that I am gay forever. This didn't work. It got harder and harder and I used to masturbate to gay porn more and more as I kept lying to myself. I finally came out to her and have never been happier. Now I am not saying that you situation is the same or that you should break up with your girlfriend and tell her your gay. Only you are the one that really knows your feelings and Jay is right you really need to take a step back and evaluate your situation. Understanding and accepting your sexuality is probably one of the hardest things that one can do. Good luck to you!
Hi there, and welcome to EC. I think you've come to the right place. Keeping secrets like this isn't going to make for a healthy relationship later. And from my experience, these repressed feelings aren't going to fade with time. They're likely to get stronger the more you try to push them asside. So my advice would be to come clean sooner rather than later. Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with your girlfriend? You've been dating since you were 16, and I strongly believe that you aren't capable of truly knowing what you want out of the rest of your life when you're only 16. (Take that from someone who is more than double your current age.) That's not a put down - it's just what I believe to be the truth. And there's nothing wrong with realizing now that what you wanted 2 years ago isn't what you want now. But sometimes we convince ourselves otherwise to avoid an uncomfortable situation (breaking up) even if it would be only a short term discomfort. Because I worry that you're setting yourself up for long-term discomfort instead. I masterbated to gay porn. I didn't tell my girlfriend / fiance. I got married, bought a house, bought a dog, had kids, drove a Volvo station wagon. The whole nine yards. And I became increasingly unhappy, not increasingly happy. I eventually was able to cope only through addiction - which was only a temporary reprieve, and in fact made things much worse in the end. And I finally had to admit to myself, my wife, my family, my kids, my coworkers, my doctor... that I was gay. That was at the age of 35 or so. I had a whole lot of my life that I had to 'unwind' / 'unravel' before I was able to feel good about myself again. I can't go back, and I love my kids, so there's no point in me wishing I could do it all over again. But when I hear your story I see myself. Only I didn't have the insight that you seem to have at 18. So my advice is to be honest with yourself and those around you. Maybe you are bi, and you'd be happy being married to a woman and raising a family. But what you describe - being only aroused by men - suggests to me that you wouldn't likely be happy and you'll have to face this part of yourself at some point. Feel free to send me a private message if you want to hear more about my experiences. There are a lot of parallels to yours. Good luck.
