I posted recently about a group I had become part of at the 'local' GLBT centre. After much anxiety I made it along, was delighted with that, and continued on for the next few weeks. The last few weeks though I felt the group wasn't really doing much for me. I don't feel I related to anyone on a personal level. I didn't start any conversations and when I took part in them people seem to generally lose interest in what I was saying. During the structured group stuff things were better but I still languished on the sideline most of the time. Yesterday I dropped out of the group because of how I feel. I don't think I made the wrong decision right now. I have the option of going back to counselling. Which I think is probably wise. Have I done the right thing? Could I have handled it better?
If you didn't feel part of it then dropping out was a good move. Maybe not the best, the best move would've been to speak to the leadership and explain your case, and then drop out. The reason is that some other people could be feeling the same you did but no one ever speaks up, and then we have a problem. Or maybe you were still not ready to take on a LGTB group. Maybe you need more counseling, more self-acceptance, or just maybe to be a little more open about people's thoughts and ideas. Regardless of what is what you need, I really wish you the best. Remember that life is a highway with a lot of lanes, and unlike the song, sometimes the end of the highway ain't hell, but the highway itself. We need to make the best out of every situation, as crappy as they are, and enjoy the ride to our bests. That is when we find happiness. =)
If you really didn't feel like you were getting anything out of it, then i can completely understand wanting to drop out. Even by going along and giving it a chance you've achieved more than a lot of people (myself included). Just try to take some positives from it and don't let it put you off getting involved in other clubs/societies etc in the future. Keep looking and i'm sure you'll find somewhere you feel more comfortable. (*hug*)
Thanks for the replies. I had e-mailed one of the facilitators about not attending (I did this before the meeting). It turns out that I could return to it. And I am tempted I have to admit. I still dont feel I was connecting with people though. Once the meeting was over it was a case of going home and waiting until the next meeting. Some of the group go out for drinks and I was never made a part of that and I lack the confidence to initiate the conversation. It does seem self defeating to stop attending the group when my greatest ambition is to become more confident in group situations.
It takes time to turn oneself from a wallflower into a social butterfly I'd say go back to the meetings, make some effort to connect with people. Some of those gay groups can be sort of cliquish, but if you give it a little time you should also find yourself being able to make friends. One way to facilitate that is to find out people's interests and ask them about their areas of interest or hobbies. People enjoy talking about themselves and that's a great way to break the ice. Another option is to find a couple people and just ask for theiir Facebook information, friend them on FB and talk to them over FB between meetings. Most gay youth groups have a revolving level of participation, meaning members come and go, so I'm sure it won't be a problem for you to reappear
Thanks for the reply. The group I have been going to is a closed group. It only runs to mid December. Part of the problem I felt was that the majority of people there are out, have been for ages, and are just on another planet as far as their personal development goes. I'm so far behind it is quite daunting. The rest, well, I guess I just haven't been able to work up the confidence to initiate a conversation. That's not new. It's plagued me all my life. And Facebook, I don't have an account on any social network site, and I don't have the internet at home. I use my mobile phone most of the time. Just to clarify, its not a youth group, its for ages 18+ and there was a decent mixture.
Oops, sorry, i missed your age, and made an assumption I shouldn't have that you were a teen. Time-limited groups are different, and the expectation is that everyone will attend from start to finish, so I can understand your dilemma. But whether you join this one or another one that starts up afterwards... it doesn't really matter what your status is as far as how out you are; the group will still help you. One of the things about closed groups is the facilitator is able to work more closely with the individuals in the group to help facilitate growth. And usually growth is uncomfortable at first. So even though you feel like many others are way ahead of you, there's still a great opportunity for you to learn from them, and there are yet things you can contribute to their learning as well. And as for facebook or other social networking sites... there are homeless people that have Facebook, so you really have no excuse. Set up your account on an Internet cafe computer and then you can maintain it on your phone if you have web access on your phone. Same with most of the other social networking sites, though I wouldn't particularly recommend any of the hookup or even the gay-centered social networking sites as they all tend to be rather hookup-focused.
It only runs until mid-December? Then I’d say your best option would be, in fact, to get back into it. Okay, odds are it’s not suddenly going to be a miracle cure, but mid-December is only two weeks! And (in my experience, though not with gay-oriented groups) the last sessions are usually the most interesting ones. The ones where you get the follow-up information, the “required reading” list, the “where are other groups” information. And oftentimes, people are more mellow and willing to converse for a last time. It’s also a good opportunity to give socializing one big shot. Prepare for it. The morning you go there, tell to the mirror: “today, I’ll get a conversation going with these people!” They go for a drink? Then invite yourself. Pick someone that seems amenable and say: “so, I heard that you guys go for a drink after this. Mind if I tag along for an evening?” Listen to their stories, tell a couple of your own (not even necessarily gay-related ones. In fact, maybe focusing on non-gay issues might be the key to breaking the ice here!). Worst case, you spent an evening that wasn’t enjoyable with people you’ll never meet again. Best case, you get some socializing going and make some acquaintances! (Yes, being the wallflower type myself, I know initiating convrsation seems impossibly hard to do. But I also know from experience that if you work yourself up to it, it can be done!) Also, you have the leader’s contact. Maybe tell this person you might be looking for a more open setup, or a different group focusing on different issues. They might have information on another group that would be a better fit. You mentioned counseling in your first post. I don’t think this is an either-or proposition here. You can attend a group AND go to counseling. And you can even mention this whole experience to your counselor. Even if the experience with the group wasn't all that, it might be a good foundation to build on! P.S. and this might be an aside, but I hate it when different stages of outness get defined as “ahead” or “behind”. So what if you came out ten years later than they did? So what if they’re already on to boyfriend number five? There’s no “mandatory stage” you need to be on. They just made different choices in life and came to different conclusions at different stages. That doesn’t mean those people aren’t on different planets, but never let it make you feel like you did anything wrong either.
Chip, Filip, thanks for the last two posts. I've pretty much decided that I am going to attend the last few meetings and see what happens. Regarding the Facebook thing, I never had it when I had unlimited access to the internet, it wasn't that which stopped me using it. I just never saw the need though I do these days. As for counselling, I think I will ask about it, I left counselling last time not having dealt with some stuff. Ahead, behind or just are where we are. I get that. I just need to look at things more positively more often. I'm going to E-mail the facilitator now.
What a difference a day (Approximately speaking) makes. Went to the group again, engaged a little bit better, and ended up going to two different gay bars. First time ever gone to one. Had to leave quite early (relatively speaking) but it has left me wanting more. Thanks again to everyone who replied.
You'll be getting the hang of it soon enough. There might be times when it doesn't work out as well as this time (even with very good friends the conversation sometimes falls flat for no apparent reason, after all), but try to do what you did ths time and build on that!
