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I'm out now, but how far should I go?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by RobinWA, Nov 28, 2010.

  1. RobinWA

    Regular Member

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    This weekend after years and years I stepped out of the closet.

    A little background...

    I was born 36 years ago as a boy. At the age of 19 I was dating a girl who I found a connection with to explore who I was. I think I was really wanting to know what girl parts looked like up close.

    She got pregnant while I was looking. :bang:

    At that point I felt that it was really my responsibility to be a dad. I felt that to do that properly, I had to be a boy, so I embraced Manhood, and being a father with both arms open. My feeling were still the same, but I as a parent you have to give up some of your self for your kids. I did, and I don't regret it.

    My marriage ended in divorce a few years later, but I was given 2 beautiful daughters in the deal. I have no regrets about that at all.

    I am now married to the worlds coolest girl. We have 2 more kids together (Total now 4 if your counting) and I feel blessed every day to wake up to a TV blaring cartoons and my wonderful kids.

    After much consideration this weekend I told my wife that I am a boy on the outside, but really hun, I'm all girl inside. I explained that because I'm a dad and a husband I have ruled out making a transformation.

    She said Really? Me too! She feels she is all boy inside. :jawdrop:

    We talked about this for hours over the last few days, and both thought that the good lord had a reason for bringing us together.

    So now I feel that I am released from the burden of hiding. I don't have to be hyper sensitive about proving I'm all boy, but how far out do I go?

    I don't want to put my family through the stress of knowing these things about me, if I'm not going to make a further transformation (Sex Change Operation or Hormone Therapy). Is it ok to keep this form the kids?

    I would love to find a councilor to talk to about these things, but I live in a place with limited resources. I can't drive 100 miles to speak with someone about this. I just don't have to time or the spending money for gas right now.

    Suggestions are welcome.
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hi, Robin.

    First, good on ya for being open with your wife, and how amazing that she is in a similar situation!

    As far as telling kids and family and friends... I'd hold off a little bit. I don't by any means think you need to be ashamed or stay in the closet about it, but if it is a recent revelation to your wife, and something that you are only recently coming to full understanding about yourself, I think it would be best to take some time and process the feelings you're having and think about what it means to you.

    Eventually, I think it will make sense to tell at least your kids, but, particularly if you are not planning to do any sort of reassignment or cross dressing, at least at present, it doesn't seem like there's any rush.

    I'd also suggest sending a PM to our staff expert BlairSW. He is a social worker (therapist) and has extensive experience working with transgendered people. He may be able to point you to some resources, or perhaps even provide some assistance himself. In any case, you will want a counselor with experience in transgender issues, and unfortunately, that isn't a very wide specialty area at this point

    There is an increasing acceptance for distance-based counseling (by phone or over email or IM) and some therapists are willing to accept distance clients, so that could be an option. It is definitely better to do therapy in person, but if it is simply not feasible, then you may be able to find someone that works at a distance. I know Blair has some experience in that area as well.

    It sounds like you're taking some great steps for yourself and I think you'll find the EC community to be very helpful and supportive, so stick around and continue contributing to the conversation! :slight_smile:
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Wow - that's quite a story. What are the odds that your wife would be having similar feelings?!? That truly was a 'God moment' if there ever was one. Good for you for finding the courage to bring that up.

    If you dont' have plans to change your situation in any way, then I'm not sure how far out of the closet I would bother to go. Your wife knows - which is important. Perhaps there's a very close friend who you could entrust with this information - so that you'd ahve someone other than your spouse to talk to about this. As Chip suggested, even counselling remotely would be better than nothing. So look into those things.

    I'm glad you've found this site. I was also in my mid 30s when I started to get honest with myself and those around me. And I sure feel good for having done that. good luck!