I have a lot to say, and I'm extremely confused, so the following is just gonna be a mesh of my confusion. I hope you'll bear with me through it. I just turned 21 this month and I'm still very confused about my sexual orientation, as well as everything else to do with romance and such. Is this really weird? I'm also still a virgin, in the purest sense possible (nobody's even seen me nude). I'm sexually attracted to penises, but nothing else physically about guys. However, I've never felt the same with guys as I have with girls, but I'm not sexually attracted to female bodies at all. I had a girlfriend when I was younger, but we broke up and I've been alone since then (about 7 years). Ummm...there's a lot more, but I don't know what else to say specifically. Maybe you'll have questions or something I can respond to. I'm just so confused :bang: I don't know what to do.
Hi, Corbin. Welcome to EC! I'm glad you've found this place and I'm sure you'll find there are a lot of posts here from people that have been in a similar place to where you are. It's not at all weird to be confused about your orientation if you haven't had a chance to explore and experiment and find out what feels right, and there's no rush to find out and no "right" or "wrong" answer. Very often when guys are first dealing with whatever attraction they have to other guys, things get complicated because society tells us it's wrong for guys to like guys, so, for example, it's not uncommon to know you're attracted to penises but to sort of block attraction to guys; it sort of gives us a "plausible deniability" when we are trying to sort out what our attraction is and come to terms with it. Also, it's important to know that only 10% of the population is totally hetero or gay and everyone else is somewhere on the continuum, though most eventually identify (for simplicity's sake) at one end or the other. Please stick around and ask more questions, discuss more about your feelings, and read some of the posts. As you begin to think about it and talk about it with others here, it will become more clear for you where you fall on the spectrum, and once that happens, it will be a lot easier to get your hands around what you're feeling and how it affects you. Also, feel free to message me or any of the other advisors if you'd like to talk in a less public setting.
Hello and welcome! It is not at all weird to be 21 and confused about your sexuality and romance. I was almost 21 before I admitted to myself that I was gay and dealing with that in my head, and only after my 21st did I start coming out to other people. And as for being a virgin, I was still a virgin on my 22nd birthday. And I'm hardly the only person who could say similar things: you are certainly not alone. As for other advice, I think Lex has a good point when he suggests reading other posts: there's something very helpful, I find, about reading a coming out post and thinking "Ah, I know *exactly* how that feels!" And a question: you say you're physically attracted to men (well, penises specifically) but not to women at all. Your post seems to imply that you have a stronger emotional connection to women than to men. Is that right?
Hey corbin, welcome to EC! Its not weird at all, I felt exactly the same way until this summer, and I'm 21 (nearer 22). When I joined this site in the summer I wasn't sure if I was gay, straight, bi or even asexual, although deep down I knew I was gay I guess. I knew I felt sexually attracted to guys, although in my case it wasn't just penis, yet I could never imagine myself being romantically involved with another guy, it seemed weird to me. And with girls, the opposite was true. I could see myself being romantically involved with other girls and yet I've never felt like I wanted to have sex with one. It was hugely frustrating. In the end I decided to stop feeling guilty about how I felt, and to stop repressing myself, and I soon came to accept that I am gay. I now don't have any problem with being with another guy romantically, in fact it feels quite natural to me My instinct on this one is to go with how you feel sexually, I felt that my own denial and repression of homosexual feelings clouded the whole issue. I wouldn't allow these feelings develop, and in hindsight I also looked too much into any emotional attachment to women that I had. I feel emotionally attached to lots of people, male and female, it certainly doesn't mean I'm sexually attracted to them, and that realisation helped make things clearer for me. Looking back on my life, its also clear to me that being with another guy seemed weird because of my own failure to come to terms with being gay, and society tends to dictate to you from an early age that men go with women, and so there's an internal resistance to the idea of being with someone of the same sex. I'd suggest taking time to think over how you truly feel. I found this site really beneficial. Reading other people's stories helped a lot, and I also posted some threads getting great advice. Do the same, it will really help you. Its amazing how just communicating feelings that have been stored in your head for years to people who'll understand makes things clearer, it did for me anyway. Another thing is, "gay" "straight" "bi" etc are all just labels. Sexuality is a spectrum. I label myself as gay because its simpler (I'd probably confuse others and even myself if I ever tried to explain my sexuality to people!). Yet sometimes I feel that it wouldn't be impossible for me to fall in love with a girl......who knows. Other times I feel quite asexual (even though I'm not :S). I guess what I'm trying to say is that by opening up your mind and allowing for how you feel will hopefully make things clearer. Also, don't worry about being a virgin, there's no right age to lose your virginity, its all about when it feels right for you. I'd just concentrate on figuring it out and then seeing where life takes you. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm still a virgin and I've never felt in a position where I could (well, realistically anyway) lose it, all that'll come in time though. Once you're sure of yourself and are happy being the person you are these things become a real possibility. Stick around on EC and I'm sure it'll help you
Welcome to EC! And as others have said, it's not unusual. I didn't really get much clue about being gay until I was 20. And as I grew more used to the idea, I realized I was in fact gay. Maybe you are, too. Or perhaps you're bi, or straight. Time will tell. If you have to put up a sexual orientation, the one you've got underneath your name is just fine - "Not Sure". Spend some time here, and I think it'll eventually unfold one way or the other. Lex
Hi and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place for sure. I was also much older when I finally came to realize and accept that I was gay - I was in my mid 30s and had been married for a number of years and had 2 kids as well. (Awkward is an understatement.) So hang out here and start to get comfortable with the idea that you might be gay. Try that on for a while. You don't have to commit to it, or share it with anyone else. Just accept the possibility in your own mind and see how you feel after a couple of weeks. It might start to feel pretty natural. I also, at first, was strictly attracted to men in a sexual way. As Chip mentions above, I think it was my way of rationalizing my thoughts (and later my behaviours). I was simply 'bicurious'. But the reality is that I'm gay. I've always been attracted to men. And once I was able to accept that about myself and feel good about it, the relationship part came quite naturally. I've now been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and I've never been happier. We're engaged to be married and I never feel better than when I'm with him - regardless of what we're doing. It's really remarkable, and confirms for me that I'm wired differently from the average man - because I needed to be partnered with another man. Good luck - and again, welcome to EC!
Well, these are years you turn into the person you will become. First thing you need to know is, there is no time limit on figuring out your sexuality, in your late teen years and early twenties people often cram it into your head that you have to having everything figured out by a certain time, that is a crock of shit. If you're not sure what you like take time to experiment, safely of course, but don't think you have to pick or having everything figured out by a certain time. Enjoy the journey not the destination :icon_wink
Thanks to everyone for replying. I feel so much better already, just knowing that there are quite a few people out there who are my age (and older!) who are still struggling with their sexuality. I'd never really opened up to anyone about it to find out, so I assumed I was one of the very few and that there was something wrong with me. Yes, that's correct. I've always felt emotionally closer to women than I have any of my male friends. I've asked 3 women out, in middle and high school, and only the one in middle school accepted. During the relationship though, I didn't do anything, not even hold hands. I knew I really liked this girl, but I didn't have any sexual feelings towards her. She broke up with me because of this. You may be thinking that it was only middle school and I was still very young, but later in high school it was the same. If the other 2 girls had've accepted, I'd have been in the same circumstances. I'd know I liked them a lot, but I wouldn't have known what to do. It's like I just wanted to keep these girls to myself until I'd eventually grow into it or something, but that's not fair to them of course. Having said that I'm not sexually attracted to women, I could have sex with a woman, but only because she has a hole, you know? I don't get aroused from looking at a woman's body.
^ This situation isn't too uncommon. For instance, it's common for gay men to bond really well with straight women. (The term "fag hag", as annoying as it is, does exist for a reason.) They can get together, compare notes, and complain to each other how their boyfriend doesn't understand them. Lex
How can I meet someone if the following are both true? It seems impossible. Either way I'd be asking myself and the person I'm with to sacrifice a lot: 1. I'm emotionally more attracted to women, but sexually more attracted to men. 2. I'd be fine with vaginal intercourse, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like giving OR receiving anal intercourse.
I think through trying to explain it through terms like emotionally and sexually we tend to confuse ourselves even more, instead of just letting things take their course. If you can be emotionally attracted to women, I would venture to say that could lead to something of a sexual nature? I mean I think you can find emotional attraction with anyone once it just clicks. You said that you aren't sexually attracted to women, but what do you mean when you say that you could still have sex with her? Are you worked to arousal and not having it naturally? I'm the same way as you on #2, I would prefer a woman but I wouldn't get too worked up on the sex issue if I were you, if someone happens to come along, and things happen then so be it. It's not like you will screw just anybody. Just my two cents, I'm still figuring things out too.
To be honest, I think that the underlying problem is wanting to conform. I think that you might be wanting to label yourself just so that you can feel like part of a group. Just be yourself. Hope this helps, Thing (*hug*)
