Hello all, questioning here

Really? Because it kind of sounds like you are. At least based on:

So I would say be honest with yourself to begin with. Are you really attracted to guys? Are you having an identity crisis and just want to label yourself as something other than the typical straight? Have your relationships with women been consistently shitty lately? I've had so much trouble finding a guy here that I sometimes consider, elaborately, what it would be like to be with a girl, a girl who I genuinly appreciate in all aspects of her being. On the off-chance the situation ever arose, I'd probably seize it just for the experience. That doesn't make me straight or even bi, because I'm not; it just means I have an open mind. Maybe that's your situation?

 

Hey, welcome. Firstly, don't fret over the fact that you're questioning your sexuality, I bet a lot of males have went through periods of confusion, but it doesn't mean that they are gay. When I came out to a friend of mine, he told me that he was confused for a while himself but then he figured out he really was straight. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person he's ever told that to (he probably only felt comfortable telling me because I'm gay), so there's bound to be many guys who have.

I know all too well trying to put labels on myself, I did that for years before I realised I was gay. It's something that - although difficult to avoid I admit - you should try not to obsess over, it will work itself out in time.

Only you can know for sure what you are, however, from your post I suspect that you're straight. Why do I think this? A couple of things. Firstly, you've never been sexually aroused when thinking about guys in a sexual way. As I said, I'm sure a lot of guys at some point have wondered what it would be like to be with someone of the same sex (its just not something a lot will admit to!) but that doesn't make them gay. Second, you said that you're not interested in men on a "sexual, romantic, or emotional level", however you find them "easier to relate to". I think this is true for a lot of guys, its true for me to. I think in general men relate better to other men simply because our brains work the same way, we're interested in similar things etc, its often harder to find things in common with the opposite sex (just a generalisation though, not everyone feels that way). Perhaps you've felt that it could be better to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex because you relate to them better, and you seem to have been hurt in the past by a girl. But it doesn't make you gay.

You know, I let this confuse me for ages too, the fact that I could relate more to guys but not so much to women actually made me doubt that I was gay, because I basically felt the same way as some other straight friends of mine. I realised that this just clouds the issue. I think we can look into things too deeply and it just makes us more confused, I was for years, but what made me sure was some advice I got here from this site which I'll pass on. Think purely about who you are sexually attracted to. Watch both types of porn, see how you react. Check out members of both sexes on the street and think "would I want to have sex with them?" Seems simple enough, but if you get consistent reactions it should give you a good idea. I found thinking about emotional feelings just confused me more because we get emotionally attached to people of both sexes whatever our sexualities are. It was only when I sat down and allowed myself to purely think about what gender got me aroused that cleared things up for me. Maybe it will for you too. Romantic and emotional feelings will generally follow on from that.

In saying that, maybe you do have feelings for guys and they've just been repressed all these years or whatever. The main thing is to not worry too much and just take as much time as you need to think about things, it will become clear one way or the other. Feel free to post on here as much as you need to, I found this site a great way of dealing with my feelings by writing things down and getting advice

 

Yes, you're quite right, I hope I didn't come across as trying to "dumb down" sexuality in any way, it's a frighteningly complicated thing, and certainly I don't believe sex is the most important thing about any relationship (I've actually thought of myself as quite asexual sometimes, strangely). I've often thought I could easily be in some sort of relationship that didn't involve sex at all, if there was a strong emotional bond, and obviously that could take in women as well. But I'm still gay.

I know that everyone's different, but I can only offer my own experience, maybe it won't help in your case. But I went through the same confusion you feel. For example, I had strong emotional feelings for girls, and felt it could be romantic to be with them, yet I've never had an urge to kiss another girl never mind have sex with one. Similarly with guys, I've had strong emotional attachments to men but had no urge to have sex with them. Crucially though, there have been guys I have felt sexually attracted to, and I can see guys and think they're "hot" whereas I don't really notice girls in that way. For me, I felt platonic love for people confused the matter, so when I tried to analyse who was I sexually attracted to, I thought purely about physical attraction and the answer I came up with was that I'm gay. But "gay" is just a label I generally tell people because it's easier than trying to explain, but its a labnel I feel comfortable wearing now.

Don't feel that you need to be in any way pigeon holed by any label you place upon yourself. But remember, you are a sexual being, its a part of who you are. Thinking purely about who I felt physically attracted to clarified once and for all my sexuality, yet my views on life still remain. My own thinking of it was that I over-complicated matters. My own view is that sexuality encompasses sexual attraction, but maybe others disagree? I don't claim to know all the answers, but I think sexual attraction is pretty key to defining sexuality.......I'm sure others will want to offer their own insights

 

Quite late? You're 21, so I've got seven years on you. I was in denial until a year ago. My story:

In my case, I'd always known I was "not quite straight", even if I didn't admit it to anyone. I told myself the opposite constantly and even started to believe it - thus the denial. When I started questioning my sexuality, it was because of feelings of a.. well, "crush" nature. Once I started thinking on and accepting that, (OK, so yeah, I DO have a crush on this guy) the thought of stuff like sex and making out just followed naturally.

When I was in denial I found certain guys attractive, but my constant mental hygiene (Don't think of that! That's gay!) prevented me from exploring that part. Once I started accepting myself and allowing those suppressed thoughts,everything started to make a lot more sense.

In my case, unlike WillNeverMarry, it was those initial "crush" feelings that unlocked it all for me, as physical attraction was not something I was capable of at the time.

I hope this made sense and/or helps.

 

Mmmmhmmm. Sounds roughly like something I would have said at roughly that same age.

 

"Is what you're saying that to avoid complicating issues you just go with 'gay'? The thing with me is that I want to have sex, and have been aroused by girls, more so in the past but my current emotional state is off, and then I double question myself with things like 'oh you just want to do girls to look straight', but sometimes it is really not the case, because sex is an expression of love to me also. Occasionally I get mild arousal by guys, and I guess that would constitute sexual attraction wouldn't it? Right now I'm over complicating matters as well because it's very new to me, I used to not care at all, but now that I've opened myself up to it, it is information overload.

The thing with labels to me is like it's a double edged sword, people judge and so you've to define yourself but at the same time not be restricted by the label. It was foreign to me, because now the crushes that I have for females, I don't know if its real or not. I do want to try and know them and sleep with them, but I can get insecure about it. I've heard the labels before but didn't give much thought to them at all, but now since I've been introduced to them it destabilized my life in ways. I will probably just label myself gay for now, and then get some fag hags and see how the vibe is with them.

I've often heard that people usually know their sexual orientation, or attraction relatively early in life. Up until recently I have come to the conclusion that while genes may play a factor, it is also very much influenced by environment too. Just a question - for anyone, at what age did you start having these attractions? This has all happened recently so I don't really have an outlet for my questions or anyone to talk to really, I have always been somewhat of a loner and I haven't gotten around to looking for the LGBT stuff on campus yet."

I really should learn how to quote just a part of the text properly! :lol:

Do I just go with "gay" to avoid complicating issues? Hmm, yes and no, I'll try and explain. I didn't just decide one day to randomly pick a label to solve my confusion, I only really came to terms with being gay a few months ago. I'm comfortable being gay because I'm attracted to guys. I am gay. However, sexuality and relationships between human beings are insanely complicated, I think I mentioned before how I felt. When I came out to people I said, "I'm gay", I didn't say "yeah I'm gay but some days I feel like I'm pretty asexual, even though I don't think I am, and I'd never really rule out a relationship with a women if I felt a strong emotional bond and....." - you get the idea. To that extent a label is useful, but there is no doubt in my mind that I am gay.....I hope that makes some kind of sense

It's all new to you so it's understandible how you feel. Over time though it will work itself out. When did these attractions start? Personally, I knew I was different somehow from about 12/13 because I never felt attracted to girls, it wasn't until I was 16/17 before I recognised that I might've been gay. I was confused a lot since, though deep down I kind of knew I was gay, it wasn't really until this summer though that I accepted my homosexuality. Everyone's different though. There are people on here who knew when they were very young, others don't realise until their 30s and 40s and beyond, it really depends.

I wouldn't rush to put a label upon yourself, if you want to tell people, maybe tell them you're questioning or open minded or something. What if you came out to people as gay and then realised you aren't? I think I was wrong though in thinking you were probably straight, you say that you do get "mildly aroused" by guys? I guess you're not sure whether your feelings for girls are real or some kind of way of you telling yourself you are straight. Only you can really work that one out. Its difficult but try not to think about it, open your mind and see where your attractions lie, and obviously its possible to be attracted to both aswell.

Another thing to dispel is this notion of being what you think being "gay" is. It should in no way whatsoever define who you are, or who you are friends with. I had to laugh when you said about getting "fag hags". I'm gay and most of my close friends are straight males! I find my sexuality totally irrelevant to how I deal with people nomatter their gender. My experience is that people don't judge you either (I guess this largely depends on circumstance, where you are etc) but people, although shocked, treat me exactly the same way as they did before I told them. And ofcourse there's no harm in checking out any lgbt societies, resources etc. but don't feel that you need to fit in at these places either. I went along to mine, and never went back purely because I didn't enjoy it and couldn't really relate to other people there, not that I had anything against them. I just didn't want to be there, I wanted to just leave and go for a pint with my friends. It was realising that my personality and my sexuality were in no way connected that helped me a lot in coming to terms with being gay.

Anyway, I understand how frustrating it feels not having all the answers, but keep posting here and reading stories and asking questions and, in time, I'm sure it will become clearer

 

I was interested solely in girls until maybe I turned 20. Either that or the self-denial was so bad that I DID like guys but hid it so well that I may as well have been straight. It's hard to tell either way.

In the end, my justification was "I like girls, therefore I must be straight!" and I kept telling myself that. Unfortunately, I never considered "bi" as an option, and once I was able to do so (started with that aforementioned crush that I could no longer deny) all of a sudden felt as though everything made a lot more sense.

 

I realise I'm coming in after a lot was written already, but some thoughts of my own:

First of all, obviously, welcome to EC! I hope you'll enjoy your time here!

Secondly, I'd say that if you're still crushing on girls and getting aroused by them, odds are you do still see them as romantic interests. Not being going totally weak in the knees for men can mean several things:
- Either it really is not that big an attraction. Effectively that means you're straight, just with an appreciation for men, and somewhat of an attraction to some of them
- Or you're just not used to thinking about men in that way. It's hart to battle against reflexes you learned for several years.

On the bright side, there's no hurry here to figure out for certain. Just roll with it for a minute. If you're in the vicinity of people, let your eyes wander. And see where they go. Do they fix on men, or women, or both?

Also, talking about it does help. Obviously you've come to the right place for reading stories and interacting with people here.
I'm also wondering about this family member you mention. Any chance of talking to him? Hearing more of his story (and possibly discussing your own incertainties) might be enlightening!

this might sound terribly odd, but it depends on what you define as "know".
When did I start noticing guys? When I was 12.
When did I realise I was gay? at age 25!

All in between, there was a phase that I now, with the benefit of hindsight, can define as "closeted even to myself". But at the time, it didn't feel that way. I was simultaneously totally into guys, and not ever consciously thinking about it. Even when I was getting off to gay porn, I somehow managed to completely convince myself this was not an indcation of me being gay, and rather just the exploration every guy does.
Until, one day, I came to the realisation that what I felt was not going to go away, and that I had, indeed, always been gay.

That's a story I hear from a lot of people, but I also know of a friend of mine, who never had a same-sex attraction before he was 20, and only then discovered that he could feel attracted to guys more than girls. And he's hardly the youngest. some people only discover this at age 30 or up.

That's a dilemma we all have, though. even if you're totally straight, and happy with the person you're with, there's always the odds that someone will come along that seems a better fit. Every relationship, gay or straight, probably has moments in which those in it wonder "is this really it? Am I going to spend my life with this person? Or is there someone better for me out there?"
Still, I wouldn't worry about that right now. you're just figuring this out, and it can take some months. Settling down is not going to happen immediately, so it's best to leave that out of your thoughts for a bit.

 

Don't worry about your age. It's easy to look around at people you know who are out in their teens and think you're late in the game if you're only coming out after then. I was 22 when I started to come out. I was only thinking yesterday how it's a mystery how I had so many crushes on girls, and that one relationship, but I did. People are different. I don't think my boyfriend ever had any inkling towards girls. I was about thirteen when I had my first crush on a boy, but I think because I had had a crush on a girl at 11, and for a whole host of complicated reasons, it had an impact. I think the part of the brain that effects these things develops differently for different people. Like you, I went through times of think I was gay, straight or bi.

Now, I'm fairly much completely gay. But remember this. Nothing you think about yourself precludes anything you might do later in life. I was sure I was mostly straight when I had a girlfriend, but that didn't stop me being gay later. So conversely, if you feel that you're probably gay, it doesn't stop you falling for a girl later.

A comparison just came into my head. My boyfriend told me that during his teenage years his hair colour changed naturally between a range of colours, light and dark brown, auburn, near black. Just because he was auburn at one point, and might have clearly thought of himself as that, it didn't mean it wasn't going to change, and that as someone who has near black hair now, that he was lying to himself to think he was auburn.