Relationship troubles (Warning: Foolhardy travelers will be met by walls of text)

I used to have the same problem. What I did was joined the school play, to get people to notice me. Try that, or a local LGBT group, or a club, or go to a gay bar.

My tactic worked. I now have a wonderful girlfriend who is currently rushing to the hospital to see me after finding out that I got a hole in my lip during rugby training today.

Hope this helps,

Thing
(*hug*)

 

This sounds almost exactly like me when I was 16. I'm 19 now and I've still never had a legit boyfriend. I don't know about you but high school was a bitch when it came to expressing my sexuality. Basically, I felt like I couldn't. In hindsight, I could have been a lot more open about it, but I didn't have the confidence then. When I was 17 the perfect opportunity came along to start a somewhat discrete relationship with a guy. I took advantage of the opportunity; things started out promising but due to the passion paradox I drove him away and it just didn't work out. My advice: If you want to remain discrete about your sexuality (you most likely will because you say you lack confidence), seize any opportunity that comes along to start a relationship with a guy. If you're as desperate as you say you are, you won't let fear of rejection or fear of being outed to the public get in your way, because I didn't. Even more important advice: TAKE IT SLOW. If you're as desperate as I was, you'll pounce upon the promising blossom of an intimate relationship and trample it to the ground before it has a chance to grow. Do not make the same mistake I did. No matter how anxious you are to get to that next level of intimacy, you will have a better chance of reaching that level if you don't pressure your love interest. You might feel like you need to show him how much he means to you, but do not smother him with affection because you will drive him away; that is the passion paradox. Keep it cool, even if you're exploding inside with desire. I was too eager, the relationship failed, and I spend the next several months in a deep depression. Another suggestion: learn to enjoy the single life. Between my cravings for a relationship, there were long periods where I was just okay being single and doing my own thing. Focusing on school and my job. I really enjoyed the simplicity of it all. I've always been a loner though, so that's why the single life worked for me. But even I have those potent cravings for love torment me from time to time.

I learned from my mistakes. I wish I could do it all over but I can't. If you start something with a guy, don't let your desperation for intimacy drive him away; that's the most important thing.

 

The first year, two years, five years of your sexual/dating life aren't necessarily the template that will be followed hereafter. Lots of people had crappy or non-existent sex lives for years or even decades before things got rolling. (Others had great ones that went downhill.) The key thing is looking for where the issues are, and actively working on them.

I think you've got yourself pegged fairly well. You're perhaps overly harsh, but you're not making up issues where there are none. And you're noticing that dating catch-22. Having a boyfriend would do wonders for your self-esteem...but your self-esteem is so low, you don't think you can get a boyfriend. And I have yet to hear of a gay sexual Robin Hood-type character that goes around looking for people with zero self-esteem just to date them, lay them, and make them feel better about themselves. (Starts taking notes for future insanely-popular gay comic book...)

In short, you appear not to be in a good place to have a boyfriend right now. So what to do? Start working on yourself. Start working on your problem areas. Working on losing weight is a good idea - not so much because "gay guys like skinny guys", but because losing weight often boosts self-esteem, and exercise tends to make us feel better, and those are two things you need in spades. So what else needs work?

"I get nervous even trying to make friends with people. I think most of it is me being embarassed of my personality. I know it sounds silly, but I dont like who I am, well, that is to say I DO like myself, but...hmm, Im kinda lost here. I enjoy being myself when I am alone, but I tend to be different around other people, and I always fear that I will act as I do alone, when I am around other people, thus resulting in me looking like a nutjob/idiot, and making a total arse out of myself..."

So you DO appear to not like yourself. Or, at least, you dislike yourself enough to value the judgment of other people (including strangers) over yourself.

A bit about me. I wear T-shirts most of the time. Many have cartoon characters on them, which range from the fairly well-known to the utterly obscure. And since I've been wearing these things since the pre-internet days, I ofter couldn't find T-shirts with the cartoon characters I wanted. So I worked on my limited art skills, and started drawing (and sometimes painting) the characters I wanted onto plain T-shirts. I still do this today, every once in awhile.

This is not cool. At all. Peruse all the fashion magazines for as far back as you care to, or all the "what's hot/what's not" guides, or all the "how to be cool/popular" lists. Try to find "Wearing T-shirts with cartoon characters on them, and making them yourself". Not there. So not cool, right? But see - I've had people tell me that it's cool. Why? Because it's me. It's Lex being Lex. It's part of my personality that's somewhat unique, that I'm totally cool with, and people pick up on that. They think "Hey, that's kinda different."

Of course, there are limits here. I don't insist on showing people all of my shirts, and explaining everything about the characters on them. I'm aware that their interest in these things is limited. I know most people don't love music or cartoons or indoor lacrosse to the same degree I do, so I keep things down to their level. I'm willing to talk about these things (for hours, probably), but I don't press. I'll tell them how my team is doing, or briefly about that cool concert I saw last night, but if the topic fails to ignite, I let it drift elsewhere. No biggie.

But you see the point. I'm being ME. I don't lie about my likes and dislikes, or about my interests. And I've never had anybody give me grief about it. I'm comfortable in it, and people pick up on that. And perhaps that's something you need to start trying. Start making the with-others you resemble more the by-yourself you. Then being with others won't seem so alien.

Lex

 

Whilst i'm not at all solving your problem, is it bad that from the way you're describing yourself, you're my 'type' of guy? There's something not quite healthy about that.