how do I talk to my 'closet' brother??

My suggestion isn't necessarily the best way to go, but, it was the only reason that I came out to my best friend.

Simply ask him.

As I said not necessarily the best way to go it depends on you and your brother and how you think he would react when you asked him. If you think that it might do more harm than good then it obviously isn't the best thing to do.

 

You've more or less given him all the openings he needs. You've told him you'd be supportive, you've been there when somebody said he was dating a guy. You can ask him if you really want to, but I'd say it's just something he (for whatever reason) doesn't feel comfortable talking about with you. So just give that a wide berth.

Lex

 

As the opposite side of the "elephant in the room" scenario, I can say that it is sometimes a lot more difficult to come out to yourself than it is to come out to others, and he may not be in a place where he is comfortable identifying himself as gay for one reason or another. He also might be afraid of some other reactions within your family circle - just because you accept him as gay doesn't mean that everyone will, especially the more conservative or elder members of the family.

If I was in your situation, I would just get him in a comfortable place, maybe even get him loose with some alcohol or something, and ask him to his face, because you are a supportive, caring sister and there is no reason for him to hide this part of his life from you, obviously.

If a member of my family had asked me directly, I probably would have been honest with them about my gender identity/sexuality, but I had to get to a really desperate point to come out to my family and approach them about it.

I don't know - it really depends on your brother's personality. If it was my brother, I would probably just pop it into conversation one day: "So, are you still seeing So-and-So?"

He may not bring it up because he may think that just because you are supportive doesn't necessarily mean you want to talk about his sex life.

 

This is a hard one. You want to respect his readiness to come out but then I know what you mean about their being an "elephant in the room." I would just keep reminding him over and over again that you will love him unconditionally and that you can be trusted with this information. Eventually he's going to tell you.

 

How did he react when the lady asked him about the guy he was seeing? Did he look at you or appear nervous?

I was in a similar position up until a few days ago. I was ready to tell my brother and his girlfriend but I couldn't get the courage to do so. I tried so many times and it just didn't happen. Then my brother's girlfriend asked me at a party and it all came out. Both reacted totally fine and I'm happy she brought it up or I never would have.

 

Yeah, this is a problem. If you spend a lot of time with him and have made it known that you're supportive of him being gay, and he still refuses to acknowledge it with you while acknowledging it with his friends right in front of your face, he needs to be given a reality check. You know, and he knows you know, so it's time for him to cut the crap. You could have asked, "So how come you never told me about this guy?" or something. Something to let him know that he can drop the snob crap and at least extend you the same courtesy and acknowledgement that he does to his cafe friends.

 

I've always been of the mindset that you don't drag people out of the closet. But I keep running into people who say "I kept waiting for somebody to drag me out of the closet, and nobody would." I don't have any idea why it should be somebody else's job to get you out of the closet, but maybe I just need to update my thinking for the 21st century. It wouldn't be the first time I got left in the dust.

Lex

 

I wish that my family would have dragged me out of the closet, then it wouldn't haven't been such a shock to them. When I've come out to people, it's been so much easier to say yes to being asked if I'm a lesbian, than actually saying that i'm gay.

So, I say you bring it up with him and if he completely dismisses it, just let it go, and eventually he'll bring it up.

 

I think I have to agree with Ralivar and disagree with Lex...

Ask him. If he ignores you, doesn't answer,...you leave him be.

Personally, that's the way I would like to come out to my family. By them asking me. There is no way I will get together the courage to tell them myself. Not even if one of my friends asks me whether I am still dating that girl with my brother or sister sitting next to me. That would be enough to shut me up forever, despite the massive opportunity. I am ready, I just don't have the guts and don't know how to come out. Maybe he feels the same.

 

My initial reaction is just to let it be. Upon further thought I say ask him

From your description of the situation he doesn't sound closeted to me. Clearly people know his sexuality and he did not try to change the subject. It could be he thinks you know*, or maybe he thinks it doesn't matter if you know.

I think you should have stayed at the table though. He could have interpreted you walking off in a conversation about a guy he dated as a negative reaction.

Next time you talk to him just ask him**. Don't be too direct about it thought. Don't flat out ask, are you gay. Just tell him that you heard the waitress ask about someone he was dating. You didn't know he was seeing anyone and you where curious. If he doesn't want you know he'll change the subject or not answer the question or something along those line. If that happens don't force the subject just drop it and go on.

*This has happened to me. Sometimes I forget who knows and doesn't. Which has caused an awkward moment in a couple of conversations.

**Of course use you best judgment if it is an appropriate time and place. e.g. Don't ask at Christmas dinner.

 

Consider me overruled. Ask him.

Lex

 

I would add a vote for asking him about what you heard the cafe lady talking about. He already knows that you heard it. If he doesn't answer then drop it. And if he's talks to you but gets nervous maybe reassure him that you won't say anything to your parents or anyone else. (and definitely don't do that!).

I think there's a big difference between dragging people out of the closet and recognizing that they're already outside it. Sometimes both parties know that that everyone knows, and you're not trying to hide, but you just don't feel like going up to someone and saying "hey what's up by the way I'm gay". In that case it's really helpful to be asked!
Of course the problem is you have to be sure this is the case and that you're not outing someone who isn't ready.

Conversely, I would say why does any gay person have the responsibility to do it by themselves? No straight people have to do that - and the whole reason coming out is even required is because people assume that everyone is straight, does it have to be our job to teach them that they're wrong?

 

>>>Conversely, I would say why does any gay person have the responsibility to do it by themselves?

My point isn't that gay people need to do it all by themselves. I certainly had help from straight people in coming out. But it was at my initiative, after I asked them to help. I think that's vastly different than taking it upon yourself to out somebody because you think it's time they did (and considering that "helping").

Lex

 

Sounds like you did the right thing. Keep letting him know you're there for him. That's the most important thing.

Lex

 

Good job! It sounds like progress will def be made.

 

Sounds promising. Keep us updated!

 

First of all, to the OP: nice to hear it went OK. Keep us updated!

In my experience, that's something you only start wishing after you've come out a couple of times. Before the first coming-out, it's a horror scenario to be dragged out. but after a few good reactions, you find out that it really isn't that big of a deal and you acted foolish for staying in the closet. Thus, you end up wishing you came out earlier or that people would have helped you. very much a wish in hindsight, though.

Still, I think that in this case it was warranted, as it risked becoming too big of an elephant in the room.

 

Hi Caringsister,well done in coming here(a gay forum)in order to try and help your brother.It sounds as though he is considering opening up to you,which would be good for him.Just keeping him reassured that you are 100% behind him whatever and anything he says is between you two should be a great relief for him.

When he manages to talk to you,if he turns out gay/bi you could maybe get him to read a few posts on here,this site has been a good help to many of us who thought we could never come out.My guess is that we may even gain another member!!

Your doing great,good luck