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Here's the plan

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mandarof, Dec 5, 2010.

  1. mandarof

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    So I have suddenly started thinking it is time to come out. Even though I am older than what seems to be the typical coming out age, I have never been with a man. I had a few short relationships with women.

    Anyway, I am trying to plan the event. I have my small immediate family plus a fairly large extended family. I also have a small number of co-workers that should know. Below are a few questions I would really appreciate insight on:

    1. I travel for the holidays and have been leaning toward coming out to everyone local first. It has become something I want to just do and waiting until after the trip seems too long.

    2. Next I think I would come out to my immediate family, probably one by one.

    3. Finally, how do I reveal the news to all the people I'll see over the holiday--I could make an announcement at a big party (very difficult I imagine) or perhaps call families one by one? I am especially concerned with the point that the act can take over the entire evening...wouldn't want to ruin the festivities.

    4. I have no substantial proof but have created suspicion (just myself) about some other family members--that they may be gay (in the closet). How might this affect the action? What seems most common: the individuals act normally and say nothing; the individuals lash out to protect themselves; the individuals decide right then and there to come out; the individuals develop serious personal issues that make the problem worse.

    5. As basically a gay virgin, I am not sure about any potential follow up questions: do you have a boyfriend, etc. Honestly, I am not even sure about that although I think personally I could see being a little wild and crazy (safely) initially to see what I've been missing all those years.

    6. In any way shape or form would I want to consider phone reveals to my immediate family? I feel like absolutely not but that could give them some time to react and perhaps cool down should major issues arise.

    7. I have a sneaking suspicion that most of my family will not have major issues and also that a good number of the people probably already strongly suspect it. How might someone respond to "we already knew" or them listing all the "signs." It seems like I would want to specifically ask everyone to withhold these comments for the immediate future and maybe we can talk about them much later when things have cooled down.

    It is really a difficult time for me but I am finding some great resources online--especially video interviews with both the individuals and even some family interaction regarding this. I would truly appreciate any advice.

    ---------- Post added 5th Dec 2010 at 05:29 PM ----------

    Another question:

    8. How do I handle telling former girlfriends? I began an apology letter (among other notes) and have contemplated sending it once my family knows.

    9. What about my extended friends/acquaintances? It seems like I could post a social networking message or two (and look at other cases prior) but I'm not sure. Honestly, most of these people I guess I really don't care so much about although the worst part about this, in my opinion, is the lifelong coming out to everyone you befriend or really meet.
     
  2. Ander Blue

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    Well I can't answer all of your questions - but I can tell you some of the things I did. I live really far away from home and usually am only able to come home for christmas. Last year, I came out to my sister, my friends from home, and my parents. Those were the people in my life that I felt deserved to be told by me point blank. For extended family, I was at the point where I don't see them too often, but still interaction is there. I didn't want to still think that I was in the closet, and I really just wanted to live my life openly, but I just couldn't go out and make the effort to tell each and every one of my extended family members. What I did was ask my mother if she could tell them. More or less, she asked me how I wanted her to act about this and I told her as of now - she should think of me as out as can be and that she could talk to anyone she wanted to about it (and then I slipped in the part about the relatives). I'm happy to say it's worked well :slight_smile: Sure, maybe a few here and there don't totally know, but the next time I see them, I'm not afraid to be myself around them and just clear the air if misunderstanding arises.

    As for girlfriends, just tell them straight out. After coming out to my family - I came out to the two girlfriends that I had in college. I called them each up for coffee dates and told them that I had something to share with them. I gave them their own time with me and let them handle it the way they needed to. And today we're still friends, so it's good.


    One thing though - in order to be totally out, it doesn't mean that absolutely every single last person in your life has to know about you. It means that the people you care about knowing know about you.
     
  3. starfish

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    My first thoughts. You are telling people you are gay, not launching the space shuttle.

    I'm not sure why you need to tell former girlfriends. That is water under the bridge, if you are still friends with them that is different. Just handle it like telling your friends, because well they are your friends.

    I also wouldn't make an announcement at a gathering.

    My recommendation is that you don't need to tell everyone and their brother right away. Just tell the important people. Once you do that you can just start being yourself. Word will start getting around, and if needed you can tell people as it comes up.
     
  4. midwestblues

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    Being gay isn't something you announce at a dinner party, unless you plan to do it in a really light-hearted and spur-of-the-moment way. Based on your 9-point bullet list of irrational fears, I'd say you currently lack the confidence to deliver such a presentation. Nor would it be appropriate for you to yank individual families away from the festivities just to tell them. Nix the dinner party idea.

    This should not even be a facor in your decisions. All you're doing is playing a fruitless "what if?" guessing game with yourself over people's actions that aren't your responsibility to begin with.

    What's not to be sure about? Just like any personal questions someone might ask you: answer honestly or say that it's your personal business and you'd prefer not to answer, whichever is appropriate.

    We're not you. We can't choose how you should react to the millions of potential outcomes to this situation, and you can't plan for each one. You just have to do the deed and deal with the outcome to the best of your abilities.

    Why would you need to tell your exes? You're gay; you don't have herpes.

    Sounds like you're not ready to come out if you still haven't accepted being gay as something that is completely okay and if you haven't realized that most of mainstream society feels that way too.
     
  5. Lexington

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    Starfish kinda has the right idea. The whole "coming out" thing is simply something to get beyond. Nothing truly wrong with making it an "event" if you so desire, but know that it's really not that necessary.

    >>>...how do I reveal the news to all the people I'll see over the holiday--I could make an announcement at a big party (very difficult I imagine) or perhaps call families one by one? I am especially concerned with the point that the act can take over the entire evening...wouldn't want to ruin the festivities.

    Good call. You don't have to make a big announcement. Presumably you'll be talking to everybody. Just tell them individually if it comes up. If it doesn't, don't feel the need to shoehorn it into conversation. Word will travel.

    >>>I have no substantial proof but have created suspicion (just myself) about some other family members--that they may be gay (in the closet). How might this affect the action?

    It might compel them to come out, either publicly or just to you. Or it might not do anything. But that's neither here nor there. This is your coming out, so just focus on that.

    >>>As basically a gay virgin, I am not sure about any potential follow up questions.

    You can answer any question you get, or not. Up to you. You can just say "I'm not seeing anybody right now - I'm focusing on letting people know first."

    >>>In any way shape or form would I want to consider phone reveals to my immediate family?

    The general rule is to let people know via a form of communication you're used to. If you normally share news on the phone, then yeah - a phone call is fine. If you usually share news in person, that's probably the ideal way. But again - it's just something to get beyond. Whatever works easiest.

    >>>I have a sneaking suspicion that most of my family will not have major issues and also that a good number of the people probably already strongly suspect it. How might someone respond to "we already knew" or them listing all the "signs."

    "I wondered if you might."

    >>>How do I handle telling former girlfriends? I began an apology letter...

    Unless you specifically dated them as "beards", I don't know if an apology letter is necessary. If you're on good terms with them, tell them like you would any other friend. If not, I wouldn't bother hunting them down to tell them.

    >>>What about my extended friends/acquaintances?

    Once your immediate circle knows, your "work" is pretty much done. The best technique for everybody else - act like they already know. Assume the world knows. Feel free to post online or not, as you see fit. No need to chase down everybody you've ever met just to check them off the list. They'll presumably find out in due course. If they don't, you apparently don't come in contact with them much. :slight_smile:

    :ex
     
  6. mandarof

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    Everyone's responses have been very helpful, thank you. I think I am well past the initial stages and, quite frankly, I have some time before this will even happen. I think over the phone is a bad idea and I also think telling my immediate family one by one would be better. With the proper order, the lower-risk people can possibly put my fears to rest or help with the higher-risk individuals.

    I will admit that this desire has arose suddenly but it is also true that I have a good amount of time before anything should happen. I really think I've waited long enough and think that any reason I might find to wait longer (if I'm not ready) will only result in more awkwardness that I am overly ready to get past.

    Regarding the effect of this weight lift--I am aware that afterward there will be endless new experiences and questions to ponder. I mean honestly, me, having a boyfriend. In no way am I now trying to deny who I am nor am I saying I'm not "ready" but more just realizing the *implications* of what this now means. Bringing my boyfriend home for whatever event. I strongly think that much of my family will be supportive with perhaps some being overly supportive--trying too much. Oh well, I have time to think and I am really going to, hopefully, enjoy reading these posts afterward. I welcome any other advice or suggestions--I'm certainly watching tons of videos and reading tons of articles.
     
  7. csm123

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    Hi Mandarof.

    It sounds to me like your earge to come out is you telling yourself your ready to do this.It is good that your thinking about when/how etc,but as many of us do you are overthinking this,try keeping the number you feel the need for actualy comeing out to to a minimum(close friends,parents,siblings)after these know,just deal with others when you feel the need,which is often easy because you are confirming a question or hint from them because they have heard something.

    In my expierience i have found that a good friend is often a good start,but as with anyone you are telling,if you dont make a big deal of it neither will he/she.When telling family members(dad,mum,siblings)if you can sit down with whoever you are telling and remain confident,keep it simple and keep the situation calm without shouting from either side your on your way to a positive outcome.

    If i had other family members who i thought were possibly closeted i would not let this affect my decision to come out,but when meeting up with them i would say how much easier life is now your out and having no more family out, your surprised how accepting everyone has been.This does not point the finger but gives a good opening if they are looking for one.

    Good luck,keep us updated.
     
  8. mandarof

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    I've told two people who I gave permission to tell one person each. Either occurrence could not have gone better. I hadn't been with a guy ever when I told them and still haven't (few days later)...was thinking of not until I tell everyone else but changed my mind. So now I'm looking for someone. I think it will validate everything and make it more personal when I tell more people.

    I think it would be impossible to have a more supportive group of people around me. Some of which are cautiously fully supportive and others are downright happy.
     
  9. Lexington

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    >>>So now I'm looking for someone. I think it will validate everything and make it more personal when I tell more people.

    There's nothing wrong with wanting a boyfriend or a good roll in the hay, but this is a rather piss-poor reason for either one. Make sure you're not looking for a date/fuck simply because "then I can tell people it's for real". :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  10. maverick

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    Speaking from secondhand experience (witnessing a friend who came out and acted this way) let me just say that you might hold off on turning into a man-whore right off the bat, lol...it's one thing to have some casual, no-strings-attached fun, but immediately signing up for a premium account on ####### and throwing yourself at every swinging pair in your town off the bat is not necessarily the best way to ease into the LGBTQ community, nor does it help you develop strong, intimate relationships therein.

    There is no real need to compensate for what you've been "missing all those years", especially through a series of empty sexual experiences. Promiscuity (especially promiscuity driven by a sense of sexual deprivation) can be hurtful to your self-esteem in the end, especially if you have never been with a man before and are exploring this side of your sexuality for the first time.

    Also, most people report their most satisfactory sexual encounters as being those which involve people they have actual emotional attachments to.

    And if you do get a little "wild and crazy", remember to always wrap it up for your protection and the protection of the people you sleep with. Sex between men is a high risk activity for the transmission of STDs.

    Alrighty, that's my two cents. Otherwise, I agree with what everyone else has said so far. Carry on. :thumbsup:
     
  11. mandarof

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    lol, I think I'm big enough of a man to admit I want this...always have.

    ---------- Post added 9th Dec 2010 at 11:39 AM ----------

    Non penetration desired, should be less dangerous. Read up on it myself. I don't want to be a whore, just do this once! I'm totally up for a real relationship. I'd much rather a few people I really care about than a ton of random people. I've got good values that tell me that.
     
  12. Lexington

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    >>>I don't want to be a whore, just do this once!

    [​IMG]

    Lex
     
  13. mandarof

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    lol. No I just want my first experience then I'll worry about long term goals. Seriously...I just haven't had any encounters yet and I want to have a good one asap. No one is saying that's it, just I want this first one now.
     
    #13 mandarof, Dec 9, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2010
  14. Lexington

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    >>>I want to have a good one asap.

    Just know that "a good one" and "asap" rarely go hand in hand. It takes time to weed out the less-than-desirable ones. So if you're really interested in making your first experience a really good one, resolve to put in the time and effort to do the vetting process. A lot of guys get overly excited, think "Fuck it - I'm gonna go for it"...then their first time ends up being lousy, they think "that's what gay sex is like", and end up distancing themselves for a long period of time.

    Lex
     
  15. mandarof

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    I'll add that I've been actively looking for 4 days now. Still nothing I'm ready to commit to. Actually making me mad! I would love to have a boyfriend to show people back home so this is more than just here's who I am....we'll see...but rather here's who I am, look who I care about. I think some of my family would be ecstatic to see someone I care about.
     
  16. mandarof

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    I am starting to agree more. Instead of trying to make it happen so I'm not "new" to guys, I guess I could just go for a relationship. Any suggestions? Easiest to start one at a club rather than online? It would be great to start one before my Christmas trip home.
     
  17. Filip

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    Well, I've replied in your other thread in Health and well-being too, but I think it bears reiteration: what are you looking for here? A boyfriend? Or an accessory to showcase how comfortable you are with being gay? You don't even know this guy yet, and you're already planning to showcase him for Christmas!

    Christmas is two weeks from now. There's some things you can do in that timeframe. You can, should you desire to, find someone to have sex with. You could find someone that you click with on first sight, and who would be willing to hang out more to see where this leads. You could meet new friends.
    Finding someone who drops everything he's doing to be your boyfriend and go with you for Christmas? That's unlikely, and if you do, I'd have serious doubts about how committed he's going to be if he can decide on such an important matter within days of knowing anyone.

    Again, by all means: go out. go to a club or a bar. Have fun being out and gay, experiencing new situations and meeting new people. But take the time to find out what you feel about them, rather than grabbing the first one that comes along. It might not get you a trophy for Christmas. but it'll pay out by next Thanksgiving :wink:
     
  18. mandarof

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    I really never intended on taking him home. That would prove a logistical nightmare being picked up by unaware family. If I could have an emotional connection of any kind--starting to see him--and pics of us together it would be like others with a newborn. Here's this life altering news and look what it deeply means to me. Now I say the words but have not experienced what I know to be true. It can also avoid follow up requests some could push (maybe) that I should try a girl to know for "sure" ... So you're gay huh? But never been with a guy. People are so ignorant. When do straight people know they like girls? I don't buy the just found out crap. More about or society not having this built in like hair or eye color.
     
  19. Filip

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    Well, in my experience, if people want to push the "you should try a girl" angle, they will push it regardless of circumstances.
    Only the response might go more like: "So, you've been with a guy. But I still think you should try with a girl as well to be entirely sure!"

    You don't owe them proof. You know who you are, and in the end, they'll just have to accept that you're telling them the truth.

    Just be wary of what you're in love with. Will you be in love with a guy because he's awesome and makes your heart jump everytime he just looks your way?
    Or are you just so in love with the idea of having a boyfriend that you're willing to jam a square peg in a round hole to make it happen?
     
  20. mandarof

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    I am emotionally incapable of going for something that doesn't feel right. I had this plan to find a guy, any guy, to have sex with over the last several days. I ultimately never found anything worthy. There were a few options but none of them were right for a variety of reasons.

    Also, I already know I've cheated myself out of experiences. As far as a damage report goes, I am not terribly upset because of a few personal reasons that ended up working out for the better that I don't mind trading. That being said, I don't want to stay locked up like I have so it's either now or after the trip. This all happened to me at warp speed...you wouldn't believe how instantly I changed my tune to getting this out--I still can't remember a specific reason.

    I'm not so worried about the girl thing because I've glossed over that in other conversations all my life. I'll say nothing if I have to. People also trust me so I don't know if they would feel I'm unsure. As unreasonable as it may sound that I want something setup before I go, it feels like the right thing to do. I am so positive it's unreal that there will be people who would ask if I have a BF. Some of those people care about me so much that I think they would be ecstatic for me and it would really take this all so personal.

    If I didn't describe this well enough...right now this information is me portraying a piece of information that I know to be true to the people I care about. I feel terrible saying it each time (gets much easier each time though). Part of this is because I feel like the wrong I've done has not benefited me in the least. Sure, it will someday, but maybe I'm well over due and ready for some benefit now.

    I was thinking a group of my closest friends to take me around and help me find someone. Scan the bars and clubs for a reasonable choice, then help me talk and see where things go. Is it sounding any better at all?

    Yea, taking him home would only work if he's really interested or fairly wealthy...tickets are outrageous now. And he could visit a few days different than me.