Hi all- I'd appreciate any insight into my situation. Last week I told a friend of mine that I am questioning my sexuality. I'm in my late twenties and have always thought I was a straight male, at least on a conscious level. But I seriously started questioning this over the last several months and confided in a friend. Once I told her, I felt so relieved and excited. All of these connections were flooding into my mind - instances in middle school, high school, all throughout my life when I noticed guys and found them attractive, and had better emotional connections with them. Or when a group of girls would walk by me and my friends, and all my friends would notice the girls and I would notice a guy. It's amazing how, over the last 14 years, I was able to explain that away as a phase or something that most straight guys go through, or completely ignore it. So over the last few months, as the idea has become more viable in my mind, the feelings have intensified. Now I notice even more guys, exclusively look at gay pornography, and the thought of a romantic relationship with guys seems exciting. For the most part, girls are not of interest to me even when they show interest in me. It's like this revelation of being gay is an answer to why I was always different in life, why I didn't notice the girls, didn't aggressively try to date, haven't had a girlfriend in a long time, etc. But then I start browsing the internet and I start questioning whether I am just making this up. For example, I have been with women. Never a long relationship - and it seemed like I was reluctant to aggressively pursue these girls at first - but real relationships. I've had sex (not much though). In fact, sometimes I had premature ejaculation issues. This makes me think I may not be gay - how could a gay guy get so excited by a girl to do that? I also wonder, if I am gay why did it take me so long to figure this all out? The ironic thing is, this causes more agony for me! Right when I thought I had an answer (being gay), all these doubts start creeping into my head. I know I tend to over-think situations. My genuine fear is that I start coming out to people, realize I was incorrect in thinking I was gay b/c it was an answer to this relationship "void" in my life, and then have to retract and start anew. So what are your thoughts? Am I manufacturing this idea of being gay? Or am I just over-thinking it?
You don't need to label yourself, I doubt everyone here knows exactly, 100% what they are. Just do what makes you happy and try not to worry about what you're gonna point yourself out as, love is love no matter who's the one gettin' the lovin. =)
Welcome to EC! I don't think it's uncommon for straight guys to occasionally have gay fantasies. I think we all fantasize about things we wouldn't actually do if push came to shove. (Haven't all of us fantasized about beating somebody to a bloody pulp who REALLY deserved it?) But you seem quite a bit beyond the "exciting fantasy" stage. You're looking at porn, you've started telling people, and even the idea of a male-male relationship is interesting and exciting to you. (Nearly everybody I've seen in the "questioning" stages is quick to point out that a relationship with a guy doesn't interest them in the slightest.) Given this, I'd say it's very likely that you're gay. Why did it take so long? Not sure. It took me a fair amount of time, too, although not as long as you. (I first had inklings when I was 19, and finally decided I was gay when I was 21.) For me, it was simply not being very visually attuned. I don't take things in visually as much as most people do, and so I never ogled women OR men. It wasn't until I actively tried looking at guys that it started sinking in. That doesn't mean that's what happened in your case, of course, but that's what happened in mine. Is it possible you've "deluded yourself" into thinking you're gay? Well, I don't want to say it's impossible, but my guess is that if you had, it wouldn't be something that would last for months. Within a week or so, I'm betting a fantasy about a hot woman (or seeing one on the street) would've pushed out the pseudo-gay thoughts. The fact that that hasn't happened makes me think you're on to something. How could you have had sex with a woman when you're gay? Dude, it's sex. Especially when you're young, sex is exciting, no matter what the circumstances. I can't speak for you, but when I was young, I'd get hard thinking about women, men, celebrities, strangers, demons, gargoyles, robots, brick walls, weather vanes, and boxes of vanilla pudding. The idea that "SEX IS TOTALLY GONNA HAPPEN NOW!" is usually enough to excite us even if it isn't with somebody we're totally into. What to do now? I'd say take the next step. Try living as gay for a bit. Feel free to tell other people. If you don't know any gay people, work on meeting some. Hang out here, post some more, get to know us if you'd like. Lex
Thanks for the input guys. I think I have come to terms with a few realizations. 1, I spent many years suppressing these feelings - it's surprising, in fact. I was able to stay busy, focus on a career, travel, etc., and put up a pretty good front to myself and people I know for why I wasn't dating anyone. But there was always something missing, and it feels good to start to get a better handle on what that was. 2, when I over think these sexuality issues, I really start to question things. It still goes against what I had thought all my life. I read things online and play devil's advocate to myself, perhaps to a fault. That was my state of mind when I wrote my original post. But when I walk around and interact with people on a daily basis, I feel pretty confident about what is going on. Now i'm just trying to determine how to best move forward - who to tell, the extent to which I want to explore things, etc. thanks again
This sounds a lot like my coming out story, without ever realising, I completely repressed all gay thoughts into the background. This wasn't active and i can't remember ever thinking "I'm attracted to men", and even after fantasising about men i assumed it was some sort of phase. I had a girlfriend for close to 2 years when i got older, so the thought that i was gay never really came up when i was around 16-18. Finally when i left home, and went to university, i realised the difference between myself and the straight friends i made, and eventually worked up the courage, through this website actually, to come out. Now I'm out to everyone and i have been incredibly lucky with my friends and families responses; but i still look back over the last 10 years or so and wonder why on earth i didn't realise that i was gay. My advice is simple, talk to people on here, and don't worry about a label for now, maybe if you have a close friend you can trust to keep a secret then talk to them too. Tell them what you've shared with us, because it helps to have a friend know. Hope my ramblings have helped somewhat, it's just that your story is so similar to where i was a couple of years ago i felt i had to post! P.s watch taylor lautner in twilight, if you start drooling that could be a sign!
I keep going back and forth on the same thing you mention "am I making this up" and what if I have to take it back? I realized though that I had those thoughts in my head for so long (years) that it was impossible that I was making it up, or I would have already dropped it. That's how I answer myself now, but the questions still come up. Ugh. Try answering the 'am I gay' question in your head with yes for awhile and see how it sits with you. Questioning is okay too. But also you're definitely not alone. Welcome to EC.
Here's the big thing for me: You're right not to be upset with yourself, no matter what your final answer is or how long it takes you to reach it. Questioning was one of the hardest parts of this experience for me, but the way I see it if any of this was easy there'd be no need for support and advice forums. Ask for help here, and do what you think you need to do or want to do. You'll figure it out eventually, don't stress about it too much.
>>>when I over think these sexuality issues, I really start to question things. It still goes against what I had thought all my life. I read things online and play devil's advocate to myself, perhaps to a fault. That was my state of mind when I wrote my original post. But when I walk around and interact with people on a daily basis, I feel pretty confident about what is going on. KaraBulut here occasionally refers to something he calls "analysis paralysis". That's when you spend so much time and effort getting data, dissecting the problem, wondering what it all means...that you get stuck in that loop, and refuse to move forward because you feel the next round of data will somehow provide the magic insight that will make everything clear. And frankly, that just don't happen. It sounds like you're well-aware of this. And when you stop analyzing and just start living, everything falls into place. As for what to do now? Run with it. Assume you're "gay". Do you have any gay friends? If so, that's the obvious place to start. If not, you might want to look into joining a gay group - a PFLAG group, or a social group. Just because it'll put you amidst other gay guys who are out and comfortable, and it'll help you feel more comfortable about it. In addition, those people can be your "in" into meeting more gay guys, and hopefully a boyfriend (or hook-up). >>>watch taylor lautner in twilight, if you start drooling that could be a sign! It made me want to watch ANYTHING else. I also think that's a sign. Just of something different. Lex
The 'might be gay and come out and later retract' issue is one reason why I gave up on labels. If people ask, just be honest and say that you're not sure what you are. When people ask me I say 'I don't label myself' because that's the only way I can describe my sexuality in a way that makes sense for me. Don't feel the need to confine yourself to a category because you'll only suppress yourself.
I wasn't suggesting the whole film, just the bits with him in it XD p.s lex if you're a gay gargoyle does that mean you're a gaygoyle?
Appreciate all of the insight. It helps to hear from those of you in similar circumstances in the past. I'm not close to any gay guys, but I am in an environment where there are a lot that I could reach out to. I agree that would be a good next step... along with not moving too quickly seeing how I feel thinking of myself as "gay." (It still feels weird just to type it!)
