Empty Closets Coming Out Resources and a Safe Place to Chat
Welcome Forum Chat Room Resources News Members

Go Back   Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people coming out > Support Area > Coming Out Advice

Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 9th Dec 2010, 12:44 PM   #1
Newbie
Regular Member
 
Gender: Male
Orientation: Not sure (still trying to figure it out)
Posts: 2
Join Date: Dec 2010


Default coming out to myself - I just can't for some reason

Hey folks, wanted to share my story to see if anyone else has had an experience like mine. Part of the confusion with my sexuality is that there's an abundance of odd experiences in my life, and I can't tell what information I'm supposed to trust:

I was exclusively hetero growing up. Aside from two episodes of playing "doctor" with boys at age 5 and maybe 7 (the whole time I remember thinking "aw come on, let's try this with girls" - later when I did I preferred it). I was *obsessed* with women, their body parts, and had romantic and sexual crushes on women all the way from age 5 through to my 30's (I'm 38 now). Some of the crushes I had on girls were even painful, I felt jealous if they talked to anyone else or rejected me. I also had a lot of emotional issues, coming from a very strange and dysfunctional family, and so I didn't have a lot of confidence with women, or anybody really.

I'm cutting out a lot of detail, including a traumatic event with my dad, some possible PTSD, and further painful stuff, but the first time I noticed any sort of same-sex attraction was at about 27 years of age. It was a period of time where I was stressed to the max by work, socially nervous, lonely for buddies and close friends, and generally unhappy. Also, I had noticed that for a few years the 'spark' I felt for the female body was dying. But, I only took it half-seriously, given that I still had some heterosexual juice left in the batteries, and my opinion that 1) it's not possible to turn gay, and 2) gays perceive their difference earlier in life.

Fast forward 10 years later, and I'm questioning it again, and more heavily now. Here's where I'm at:

- I'm really pissed at this perceived loss of heterosexuality. The fantasies and experiences I had were so awesome, and I always thought as a child that I'd grow up, gain more confidence, and get to have fun with a lot of women.
- I also feel like I'm losing my identity, like I have an overtly feminine or artsy/campy nature that wants to emerge. I like the idea of being a strong masculine male - while there are certainly gay men with calm, masculine persona, I feel like that's not my fate.
- I can't seem to enjoy the idea of gay sex. I try to masturbate to gay porn, I try imagining being in a gay relationship, none of it feels right.
- I had plenty of opportunity to experience gay lust they way I did straight lust (i.e. being around guys at the beach) and never did. I remember at 16 a friend lent me a bodybuilding manual. I'd look at the pictures and be impressed at the physiques, but not attracted. I definitely would have noticed if it were there.
- I feel worst about my gf. I love her, I don't want to leave her, I don't want to break her heart.

I have a feeling I'm overthinking this. Part of the problem is that I have a shrink who's certain I'm not gay and that I just need to examine myself further. But this is killing me. Why couldn't I just be gay or straight from the start? Life is bullshit.
steve35 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th Dec 2010, 02:14 PM   #2
The gay gargoyle
EC Advisor
 
Lexington's Avatar
 
Gender: Male
Orientation: Gay
Out Status: Out to everyone
Location: Colorado
Age: 44
Posts: 15,360
Join Date: Dec 2007


Default Re: coming out to myself - I just can't for some reason

Welcome to EC!

It's tough to say from just one post, but I can't say as I'm entirely convinced you're gay (or even bi) either. Because whatever else is involved with homosexuality, the absolute groundwork is being sexually aroused/attracted to the same gender. And you don't seem to have that. You don't seem interested in gay porn, for instance, and even most heavily closeted, in-denial guys seem able to let the dick overrule their brain long enough to get into gay porn. The only suggestions that you might be gay are some vague sense of "same-sex attraction" from ten years back, which you point out was during a time when you wanted a buddy.

It sounds like, right now, the idea of (straight) sex isn't all that appealing. That can happen, and it doesn't necessarily mean your inner homo is emerging. It's something that CAN happen, of course, but it almost always manifests itself in things like fantasizing about guys while having sex with your girlfriend, or ogling guys on the downlow, or hooking up with guys online (or fantasizing about same). And, again, I don't get any of that from your post.

IANAP, but if I had to hazard a guess as to what's going on, I'd say there might be an aspect of your personality that you've been keeping down. Not a homosexual, really, but perhaps a more creative, art-y, less-overtly-masculine type. And perhaps having kept it down for so long, it's grown taxing. So maybe that's something to consider for a bit. Open your fantasizes wide open for awhile. Everything's fair game, everybody's accepting, no judgment calls from anyone at any time, no lasting repercussions for anything that happens. If you want to dance around in a tutu (and nothing else) while kicking dogs down the street, then give blowjobs to the entire front line of the Philadelphia Eagles (in the middle of the third quarter, right there on the field), then murder them one by one with your bare hands, you can. Pretend it's all good.

Given that, what DO you want? Is there a creative itch that perhaps needs scratching? Do you do anything "creative"? Write, draw, design, decorate, sculpt, cook, paint, dance, sing, perform, anything? Anything you might want want to give a go?

Lex
Lexington is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th Dec 2010, 03:32 PM   #3
EC Addict
Full Member
 
adam88's Avatar
 

Gender: Male
Orientation: Pansexual. Or bi. Same thing.
Out Status: Yes.
Location: Toronto, Canada
Age: 32
Posts: 838
Join Date: Nov 2009


Default Re: coming out to myself - I just can't for some reason

I feel a lot for you. I was mostly (99.99%) hetero until 27 too (I was in denial maybe maybe from 24-25). When I focused on what I wanted, I found I was just naturally very open. One thing that held me back for a while was this "gay/straight" duality. I'm neither, or both, it doesn't matter and that's who I'm happy being.
__________________
--Brendan

A coming out is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is it early. You come out precisely when you mean to. -not Gandalf
adam88 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th Dec 2010, 04:39 PM   #4
Kevin42
Guest
 
Posts: n/a

Tournaments Won: 43

Default Re: coming out to myself - I just can't for some reason

All I have to help form my opinion is your post, but with that I am going to say that you don't sound like you're gay. Just because you are not super horny for women doesn't mean that you're turning gay, and I would have to agree that you are probably way overthinking this. You mention that you have felt a spark of attraction for men in the recent past, but I think the very occasional attraction to things that one normally doesn't feel attracted to is pretty normal. (I have been kind of attracted to one or two women myself.)

You have a few issues that you have had and continue to deal with, those might be effecting your libido. Or, like I already said, maybe you just are going through a time where you are just not really horny. I would just say continue talking to the shrink and try not to worry too much. Go with what makes you happy and don't worry as much about how to label your sexuality.

Last edited by Kevin42; 9th Dec 2010 at 04:42 PM..
  Reply With Quote
Old 9th Dec 2010, 04:42 PM   #5
Newbie
Regular Member
Threadstarter
 
Gender: Male
Orientation: Not sure (still trying to figure it out)
Posts: 2
Join Date: Dec 2010


Default Re: coming out to myself - I just can't for some reason

Thanks guys, really appreciate the help.

I'll keep paying attention and see where this ends up. One detail I left out was that I often feel tension around men or when looking at pictures/images of them - that started in my mid 20's. And I definitely feel homophobic sometimes. So every so often I get fed up and try to open my mind to gay erotica or fantasies to expose whatever's underneath. That causes a glimmer of interest, or some reaction, but it fizzles and the fantasies don't blossom like the heterosexual ones do (or used to, anyway). I still have a nagging thought that I'm just a deeply closeted homophobe, but then I've had obsessive worries in the past, like religious armageddon fears, obsession about angels/demons, nuclear war, pollution fears. I have a weird mind with some rough history, so like I said I'm not sure where this is going.

I guess the moral here is that it shouldn't and doesn't really matter either way. I'll keep an open mind, and whatever happens, happens. Thanks for the free therapy, peace.
steve35 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th Dec 2010, 05:59 PM   #6
EC Addict
Full Member
 
RealityCheck's Avatar
 
Gender: Male
Orientation: Gay
Out Status: anyone who wants to know, and half of my family.
Location: USA
Age: 33
Posts: 338
Join Date: Nov 2010


Default Re: coming out to myself - I just can't for some reason

I say go get a physical and get your hormone levels checked out. By your post, I don't think you are gay (just my opinion). I have questioned myself for awhile, but as Lex said, typically the attraction is always there and manifested through crushes or porn. I've dated women and the whole time I was with them I would be checking out guys left and right, not even paying the women the attention they deserved. The only other advise I have is to get back in to the game and find a date with a woman and don't stress about your identity. Easier said than done, I know. Just be you. Tons of women LOVE "artsy" males. Good luck.
RealityCheck is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th Dec 2010, 09:31 PM   #7
The gay gargoyle
EC Advisor
 
Lexington's Avatar
 
Gender: Male
Orientation: Gay
Out Status: Out to everyone
Location: Colorado
Age: 44
Posts: 15,360
Join Date: Dec 2007


Default Re: coming out to myself - I just can't for some reason

>>>And I definitely feel homophobic sometimes. So every so often I get fed up and try to open my mind to gay erotica or fantasies to expose whatever's underneath.

Well, maybe you're homophobic not because you're gay but because it's some sort of ingrained thing. Not sure what your parents thought of gays, but perhaps you picked up on their homophobia if they had it. But whatever the reason, maybe you can try to get over the homophobia simply by getting to know some more gay guys. Do you know any? Befriended any? If not, that might be the best place to start.

Lex
Lexington is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
This may be the reason with we are gay? British Lad Chit Chat 25 9th Nov 2010 03:35 PM
Reason for Another Z3ni Chit Chat 8 7th Aug 2010 02:58 AM
As if there isn't already enough reason to love NPH. jblack Entertainment and Media 6 19th Jan 2010 01:14 PM
For some reason this pisses me off... CrimsonThunder Chit Chat 14 30th Oct 2007 08:36 PM
So there IS a reason... TeeBe Coming Out Advice 3 16th Jul 2007 11:29 PM


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:42 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright (c) 2004-2014, Empty Closets Community Services
the Empty Closets name and logo are registered trademarks of Empty Closets Community Services

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20