So yeah. I know that I'm transgendered - that's something I've come to accept beyond the shadow of a doubt. But I am still extremely confused by my sexuality. I don't really know how to label myself sexually. I don't feel like a lesbian, but that's the way I present to people - a butch lesbian who looks like a boy. My father asked me when I came out, "So if you're transgendered, then what about the guys you've dated? A guy wouldn't enjoy sex with another guy. Are you attracted to men at all?" and I didn't really know how to answer him. Partly because I did not grow up discussing sexual issues with my family, and partly because I am conflicted with how I feel towards men sexually. The only times I have really enjoyed myself with men have been when I was acting as a "dominant" or "top", for lack of a better term. I like going down on guys, and I like submission sometimes too, but any gender-specific pillowtalk (girl, bitch, etc...) is a complete turnoff. Overall, I feel like being trans has completely screwed up my sexual orientation to the point that I am completely bewildered to even have anyone make a pass at me. I mean, I have been attracted to both sexes in the past, but at this point I don't know if any lingering attraction to guys is just because I have been strictly raised to believe that homosexuality is wrong and that sex between women is disgusting, or if it is because I am still legitimately aroused by men to some degree. Another thing - I am "flirt-deaf" to guys, so when they hit on me I usually end up looking like a panicked deer in headlights, but when girls hit on me, I immediately recognize the behavior for what it is and am flattered. I also find it very easy to flirt with women (at least on the subconscious level) but something about flirting with men is off-putting to me. Like, I find them physically attractive in the abstract sense of "Hey, Orlando Bloom is pretty hot isn't he?" but the actual sex is hit-and-miss for me depending on my level of control over the situation, and the "spark" has never been there to the point that I have desired a second go. How do I get loose enough to let myself get intimate with people since I've been spending the last twenty years pushing them away? I can't even get in a wrestling match with my roommate without getting a little internally freaked out, and we've known each other for six years and fooled around. How the heck am I ever going to sleep with someone I don't know without it being a drunken one-night stand where I end up running away the next day like my hair is on fire and my ass is catching? Any advice? I feel like maybe I could get a better handle on things if I experimented more sexually with women, but I've been so sexually repressed over the years that getting intimate with anybody puts me in "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!" mode, and I can't relax enough to enjoy it.
I don't know much about being transgendered or gay for that matter. I've only been posting here for a little over a week, and in that time I have been trying to find things that relate to me. Reflecting on this, I still don't know why its so important to find a label. Do I think I'm gay. Yes. Only because my whole life I found myself pulled in that direction even when opportunities were there with straight relationships. When I was with a girl, things seemed so forced. I enjoyed their company, but when it came to intimacy I just wasn't turned on. Currently I have a "crush" on a guy which is something I have never had with a girl. I see girls out and think that they are beautiful, but it seems to be an attraction that is not sexual. All that said, I see how all these feelings can be complex for you. If I were in your shoes, I think I may not worry about a category that I fall into and just work on opening up to people. If I met a girl that I was attracted to physically and intellectually, I don't care what my label was, I think I would act on it. That has never happened for me. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Be happy with you and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe you find a guy that works with your interests in the bedroom and you fall in love. Maybe it's a woman you come across that fits the bill. Sometimes I think labeling can create a barrier if we don't keep our mind open. Your thought?
Well that is a interesting question. I would forget about the labels for now. Just look at this on the very basic level. Who are you attracted to? The answer could very well be both. Seems like you have been attracted to some men in the past. What about women are there any women that you are attracted to? Don't get too caught up in the gender roles. Those are a product of a bygone era when women were mens property. I can also understand what you say about the "DANGER! WILL ROBINSON" mode. I've been hurt a lot in the past. As such I always walk around with my shields up. I know this has scuttled many potential relationships. I'm trying to work on it, and I think that is all you can do. I'm also what you would call flirt-deaf. This is where a wingman comes in handy. I've missed signals so obvious that people on the other side of the room saw them. I think this also come from walking around with my shield up all the time. Because I don't want to let anyone in, I am not looking for signals from those that want in. I think setup one is to stop pushing people away. Then you'll start to understand yourself. Now if you'll excuse me it is time for this physician to heal thyself.
There have been stories, about Transgender people who are simply attracted to the same sex. For Example, a women identifies as a lesbian her whole life. Than she has the operation and transition and is now a male. However he now identifies as a gay male because he is attracted to men. Perhaps it isn't a gender attraction maybe it is simply what homosexuality is described as, "Attraction to the same sex" I also believe that, I was born a male, and am comfortable as a male but I'm gay. Why does it mean then that when a girl becomes a boy or vie versa, they can't be either gay or straight as there new gender too? Hope that helped
It sounds like your sex with men is more along the lines of stimulation and sexual gratification. Regardless of how sex is tossed around these days, there is a distinguishing characteristic of people that makes them want to be intimate, physically and otherwise, with that one whom they love. Where does love begin? Relationships. How do they begin? Flirtation. So being "flirt-deaf" to guys but suddenly engaging with girls is understandable because it sounds like you are more inclined to like girls. Your confusion with guys I think is because of the orientation you've been told to have and the one you are are so different and unique. It's a very special situation you are in. But having a clear vocabulary with flirt-speak and girls seems to me to indicate that is where you should focus. I am the same way - I realized I was gay, then TG but am still extremely attracted to girls. It's wild how they can turn me on. But at the end of the day, flirting with guys, and wanting to receive and give love to a guy is primary. Life is confusing so I wouldn't put all your chips into one blog post but I think you are very strong and brave for what you have said. Relax, and be true to yourself. Keep doing what you KNOW is right for you. Because you deserve it.
I'm going to wanna agree with this. I also think that things are not black and white in any form, that includes gay and straight. So whats wrong with being bi? At least for now lol. Also, you say that flirting with a guy is off putting and that you are "flirt deaf" to them, but that is straight flirting. That is, could it be off putting because they're straight and flirting with a woman? My advise, try to relax and do a little exploring. See if you can allow yourself to be intimate with a women long enough gauge your feelings about it. It's alright not knowing. In fact, it is the only thing you can truly know.
Its sounds like you're bisexual, leaning towards girls. As said above, transexuals often change what they are attracted to when the start the treatments, so its probably a good thing. (Not that there is anything wrong with bisexuality anyway)
My thought is that this approach sounds very reasonable to me, and it's actually the one my dad advocated when I came out to him. Thanks for the thought, and for sharing your personal experience. I think that I just need to find out who I am first, before I try to figure out who I want to be with. It's not necessarily that I want to be labelled as gay or straight, it's just that in the queer community it seems like a lot of stuff is attached to these kinds of labels, some of which I don't even understand the definition of. I mean, I'm just not at the point that I can tell people I'm a "soft butch trans bi-boi versatile top" or whatever, you know? Sexually, I am attracted to lots of women and men (at least in the initial/fantasy stages). And lots of things turn me on, both in and out of bed. I'm just really open to trying new things. I have always dodged the question of my sexual orientation with the comeback: "I'm try-sexual. I'll try anything once." But I don't just say it to be flippant, it's actually true. I think this touches down on a HUGE part of my problem. I have been frequently accused of being aloof, disassociated, cold, walled-off, and stoic. But that's not who I really am, it's just the person I was forced to become to protect myself when I was in the closet. As things stand now, the only ways I can openly express myself are through writing (which makes the Internet the most fabulous playground I ever could have imagined as a kid), through art, and through music. I totally relate to this too. *This* is the part I'm having problems with. I don't even realize I am pushing people away until the night before is asking, "Do you want to have break--" and my ass is already in the parking lot. :lol: Thanks for the input! This is where I am confused. I am attracted to women, so as a TG that makes me "straight"...but as a male-gendered person, I am also attracted to men. Like...in the way that guys are attracted to other guys. If that makes any sense. :icon_redf So really, the real answer to my dad's question, "How could you enjoy sex with men as a TG?" is that, well..."gay" sex is physically arousing to me, and any of the straight sex I've had has only been sexually gratifying to me when it included things I could see myself doing as a guy. With men or women. I mean, I was secretly watching gay porn before I even knew a single gay person in real life. Heck, at that point in my life, my family probably didn't even think I knew what guys did together at all. But at the same time, I find women very alluring, I have fooled around with them and enjoyed it, I fantasize about them, and could totally see myself in a relationship with one. I can't remember the names of many guys from high school, but I can name off at least five girls that I had extreme secret crushes on that I refused to acknowledge at ALL at the time. This is sort of my feeling on the situation too. I just don't understand why I am naturally receptive to flirting from girls, gay men, and genderqueers, but straight guys (or at least guys who perceive me as straight) do nothing for me. Thanks for your help! (*hug*) YES. And I think this is why I can actually flirt with women, because they naturally flirt with me as a "butch"...which means a lot different thing to me than it does to them, but they do tend to treat me in a masculine way and it relaxes me enough to open up to them. However, if a guy came on to me while I presented as male, I think that my reaction would be completely different than if he came on to me while I was presenting female. If a guy is attracted to me while I'm passing, that's hot. If he's attracted to me in a dress....not. :lol: Yeah, I think I'm going to try this. I was actually going to go to a lesbian bar by myself for the first time last night, but then my dad heard I was going out and wanted to go too for some "bonding time", and I'm SO not comfortable enough with being queer to the point that I would take my dad to a gay club. I don't think there's anything wrong with bisexuality, and I have no problem identifying as such, but I am just trying to wrap my head around my own sexual identity a little bit better. For so many years, identifying as "Vulcan" seemed a hell of a lot easier than figuring it out. :lol: Again, I appreciate all of the suggestions and advice you guys have left here. You seriously rock the casbah. Thanks for the support. (&&&)
^ This part not actually true. I understand the definitions of all of these slang terms and they pretty much seem to fit me. But it just seems like a lot to explain to someone else. :dry:
