Just to give you forewarning, I believe this will be a long story. Sorry. I'm so confused on what to do. My problem is that I'm afraid I'm falling in love but I'm not sure if it's pity or love, likewise, I'm no longer sure who in our relationship is really in love with who. Okay, where to start? I met this man, who is the same age as I (21), and have slowly, moment by moment come to realize that I have feelings for him; it's just that I'm not sure what they are. He is the son of my best girl friend, a co-worker from my job. He is most everything I seek in a partner, and a friend. This man is straight. After ending my relationship with my ex, fully, as in I will never see him again due to physical and emotional abuse, he came along. I'm terrified that I'm trying to fill a hole. So the fun began when we went out drinking to the bars and clubs around here and the demons slipped free. Got him buzzed and learned quite a bit about him. I only knew what his mom, my friend from work, had often said. Things went really well, got to learn a bit about each other real well, shared some intimate secrets about my past as did he. Having moved here from a town over three hours away to start college, he doesn't have any friends here but me and his moms roommate. (Well, not any more...but that's coming) The following night I work with his mom, and we talk about a few things that were said and what happened. She was very curious to which was very surprising. While we are besties, she was insinuating I slept with her son to which I found funny. I asked why I would be sleeping with her boy, and she replied because he is bisexual. I was then met with mixed feelings about that. After that she hinted at the reason behind introducing us: she was trying to get us together. I've known her for a long time and she thought we'd be a perfect match or that I'd be at least a very good friend to him, the kind he needs. So then comes the second night out, got him a bit sloshed. Though manipulative, I got him buzzed and paid for booze to get some straight answers (no pun intended) from him. While he remains buzzed, not completely drunk, his real personality seems to come out and he talks to me honestly. The strangeness from before, like when I'm over at her house or when I'm around him with others, seems to disappear. By strangeness, I mean how he tends to not pay attention to me or talk to me and sometimes he's rude. I was a bit oblivious to what his occasional "I really admire/respect you." comments meant. So, by the end of the night, during our stay at our local gay bar, he began picking up and dancing with guys rather than chicks. In-fact, a few drinks in, his attraction to women seemed to fade and he kept saying gay comments like "He's hot." or simply nodding in a sexual way. By the end of the night, I had him in my car and was driving him home again when he was very insistent on how much he admired me and said he really values me. He kept rubbing my hair and head and gave me a really long hug before getting out of my car and running inside. Now his mom asked me how it went this time and I replied entertaining. I omitted a few pieces of information listed above and she told me that he has begun asking what kind of men I was into. As she knows me, she was able to give him the perfect guide to getting me to fall for him. So now he's stopped being rude to me, and ignoring me to fully acknowledging me, greeting me, opening doors for me, to calling me. He's even started getting more bold and begun making my besties boyfriend jealous over the time we spend together (because he and I had a falling out). She further explained that I must've left some sort of impression because he was inquiring about past relationships and my orientation. While I'm fully out, I'm not a strong enough stereotype to be plainly obvious I guess? Then came the third night out, which was two nights ago. Did the same, got him a buzz going to see his reactions, behaviors, and to get him to answer some questions. He started crying by the time he was in the car about shit that happened in his past, even sharing a story about how he was molested by a family member, and he again, was putting his hands (can't say they weren't welcomed or refused really) on me. Mind you, by the time he was in my car, he was clearly drunk. He wanted a hug and told me he just wanted to be loved, man or woman, and when I gave him the hug, he snuck a kiss on my cheek in. Took him home with me this time to sober up since I live very close to the bar area. He slept in my bed as I was down on the couch all night evaluating everything and my own self. There aren't any elephants in the room anymore like there used to be. He says hes fully comfortable around me, but he only acts so when I give him a little liquid courage. He still acts a bit shy around me, non-verbally I mean, even when alone. It's like he doesn't know, or want to acknowledge his feelings in front of me or near me. Likewise, he never mentions the hugs, or the kiss, or anything like that in front of me but he does talk about what else he says while drunk or drinking. So I can obviously piece together the fact that our nights out haven't been blanked out or anything. If he can remember minute details on silly side conversations, he should fully remember and recognize what has transpired--right? I don't know what's wrong with me. I really want this to work, friends or more. I truly enjoy his companionship. It's a nice departure from my other friends and my ex. My heart begins to flutter when he's near and I experience that same torturous emotional throes after leaving him like when I was with my ex. I'm not afraid of commitment and my last relationship was over a year long but I'm afraid of disappointing him, I think, but most importantly my best friend. I even went as far as to tell another very attractive guy (at least I thought so), that he needed to stop trying to take him home when we were at the gay bar. I lied and told him he was my boyfriend and I was only gone for a moment and caught him as I came back in. The guy promptly disappeared. I told Chris this and instead of being butt hurt, he actually smiled and said that was really nice. (he was drunk when the man was trying to hook up with him) He also came out to me before he started drinking on the second night out, saying he doesn't care if its a man or woman. He started talking about how his relationships, and he omitted one that lasted for about six months in another state with another man. His mom told me about it. Why does he continue to hide that from me? Is he afraid of implying he wants a relationship with me? I'm just so lost. Why do I have to give him a drink or two before I get the truth? Am I really that terrifying? I don't have any problems with cock and ball jokes. Hell, he sometimes gives me a gentle flirty nudge while at resturaunts or fastfood. He sits real close to me to the point that some body part is always within contact, regardless of how close. He danced and grinded on/with me at the club (before getting wasted) even. Why can't he be honest with me? I wouldn't be his first boyfriend. Should I confront him about it and discuss it? When I told him about the first time out, he practically pissed himself after I said he was flirting with guys. He is in the closet with his family but he hasn't lived with them for some time. (excluding his mom) It feels like this is worth a shot but I'm so afraid that I'll ruin things between the three of us. What's worst, is that I'm afraid I'll lose someone as good as him. Now I'm supposed to go see him in a few hours to help him find a job here. His mom already cleared the obstacles that I often find with my men, and gave him a good running start. (surpassing my requirements for partnership) Now she's taking a neutral stance and giving him the reigns after I told her to stop. But now I think she's catching onto me and that's why she's really stopping. I guess the best part about this is the fact that I don't have to 'meet the parents' so to speak. LOL Help please? ---------- Post added 11th Dec 2010 at 06:06 AM ---------- Forgot to mention that he and I have had no sexual encounters but he has invited me, again only while drinking, into an entanglement. I'm not sure what to say should he actually man-up and say something about what's been going on. Rather, I'm not sure what to say myself. Am I supposed to continue this waiting game?
It sounds like you're the one who has trouble acknowledging things. He's done more than enough to let you know he wants to get intimate with you, so either take him up on his offer or let him know you're not interested. The guy has issues acknowledging certain parts of his past/sexuality. Here's an idea: instead of faulting him for it, take flattery that someone, especially an introvert, is willing to get affectionate with you and enter into a relationship in which those details may be revealed down the line. That he still needs alcohol to be completely open with you is a testament to how neglectful you've been with the opportunity to forge a bond with him while he's sober.
Best to be open and honest with an introvert. I think that you should tell him how you feel without getting him drunk. Good luck (*hug*)
Omg, I never thought about it like that. Maybe you're right--it's not him but me whose not acknowledging things. But the only thing that worries me is that he won't mention things while sober. I can't tell if that's hesitancy or shyness. His reaction to my "Why not get a boyfriend instead of a girl friend" was "And wtf am I supposed to say to everyone? I'll just look like a faggot. with a girl, its easier." Well, can't say we don't have bonds while he's sober. We're good friends already. Everytime I test the waters and mention relationships while alone with him, he gets antsy. Talking about relationships in front of him, let alone the possibilities of 'us' while he's 100% sober is about as comfortable as coming out in a group of conservative neo-nazi's. I keep waiting for the fire, brimestone, and gun shots. Now I feel totally awful about not doing or saying something myself now. I'm normally so very straight forward. I start shaking when I talk to him sometimes because I'm so nervous. It's embarassing. He randomly smiles at me while in my car--it's very nerve wracking. I have to go see him very soon and I still don't feel ready to look him in the face.
Is this guy aggressive??? I think you should tell him that you have feelings for him, but I'm afraid he is very uncomfortable with his attraction to males and it may turn out kind of ugly. Seems kind of strange since his mom is so comfortable with it. I guess all I'm saying is be ready for him to have a LOT of issues to work through before he is ready to commit to a relationship with you even if he wants to deep down inside. Disclaimer: I have never had a boyfriend, so anything I say should be taken with caution.
Welcome to EC! As pointed out, some people simply aren't wired the same way. He's apparently the type to not share anything, at least while sober. That's his way. You can't ask him to be the type to open up to you while sober simply because you'd prefer it that way, or because "he's told me while drunk so he should be over that stuff now". If you're really the open type, stop dancing around the topic and start making a move. Two different options, with two different likely results. Option one - talk to him. Sober. Preface it by saying you've come to understand that he's reluctant to share information unless he's shitfaced, but you'll go ahead and take the initiative here, and all he has to do is give some indications yay or nay. Explain that he's told you he's bisexual, and that you're interested in him. "Like that". Then tell him that you don't want to pursue this if it's something he's not interested in, so you'd like to know if it IS something he's interested in. Option two - don't talk, act. Get him liquored up again, but cut him off before he gets too deep. Drive him home, put him in your bed, but stay there with him, and make your move. Start kissing, open his pants, go as far as you feel like going. Option one is more likely to result in a relationship, but it's also more likely to be stopped by him. Option two is more likely to result in you getting laid, but it's also more likely to result in confusion and getting shut out afterwards. IBM presents - you make the call. Lex
Aggressive? Hm, when drunk--yes, very much so. Well, it seems his attraction to men is limited knowledge to me and his mom. He's not really uncomfortable, as long as you treat it nonchalantly. I started to talk to him about it once and he got very introverted shortly after and began making one syllable responses and gestures. He shares only a little bit about that side of himself little at a time and only with me. He shares a lot more with his mom though, without the discomfort. So that's what makes me think it's more of an issue of the company, rather than the topic. I already thought that very through. His mom even says he needs to come out. ---------- Post added 11th Dec 2010 at 07:15 AM ---------- Hell no. How would I face his mom, let alone him? I've never had sex while drunk or with someone who is intoxicated by some sort of drug. (at least to the point of not being able to give knowledgeable consent) To me, it's the same as rape and I would never, ever do that to anyone. He's already been raped once, and I consoled him about that--so how in the world would that look? Coincidentally, he woke up in my bed after getting shitfaced but he was more stable before I brought him home so he knew nothing happened. (I hope) Besides, he found me passed out on the couch and he was fully clothed and under a blanket. Can't say I don't want in his pants but he's not a one night stand. I'd rather take things slow. ---------- Post added 11th Dec 2010 at 07:18 AM ---------- The worst part is I'm sure his mom is sitting at home giggling like a school girl because she knows what's going on the whole time. Lol And I can't even avoid her at work since she's paramount to my safety. (we work with dementia and psychotic people) She's actually my work partner.
