I don’t want to sound desperate here, because I’m really not, but thanks in large part to my chronic indecisiveness I’m at a loss for what to do on my own. One of my comforts in the last year was that I always had one person in the school who knew about my sexuality, who could look me in the eye and give me a sense of support almost by virtue of being there. Life happens, of course; she graduated last year and however enjoyable it is to chat through instant messages (and ask advice on this forum), it’s not the same as having a human face and voice to carry support. It’s almost lonely. As a result I very much want to tell someone else, and I know exactly who. He’s a close friend of mine, he’s in my class, and I see him everyday. I know he’ll be supportive, as he’s made numerous pro-gay comments in the past and has a gay uncle, and I trust him to keep it between him and me. Left to my own devices I would plan to tell him, soon. My only dilemma is a deal I made when my parents came out. At their almost immediate and reactionary urging, I agreed without argument that to keep in the closet until I graduate high school. They don’t want to run the risk that it will become known by the public as long as I still live in this town, and they believe I already have a satisfactory support system in place. They don’t want my younger siblings to be exposed to any backlash that could arise. It’s only a two-year wait, and that will go by fast. All of that is true, which is why I want to just come out to this one person right now. Unfortunately, when I floated that idea early in the fall the result was almost an hour of distress and conflict, my mother and I both believing that our position was only reasonable and thus arguing from two completely different planets. She was in tears by the end of it and we moved on. I haven’t mentioned it to her since, in part because it failed so miserably and in part because I was left feeling somewhat selfish. Still I very much want to do this, and I honestly believe that telling one person will not cause the family or me any problems and would do me quite a bit of good. I’m caught between my parents’ well-meaning and somewhat understandable obstruction and my own strong desire for honesty with a friend who won’t have the qualms about my orientation that my family still has. I’m personally ready but I highly doubt that my parents are. What should I do?
First of all, I have to say, i wholeheartedly disagree with your parents stance. I'm sure they feel they're doing the right thing but it isn't their decision to make. Secondly, is it not acceptable to tell this guy without your parents even knowing? obviously you would have to explain things to him so that he didn't let on in front of your parents, but it seems like you trust him. Also a question I have is about where you live? Obviously you can keep that a secret i simply mean what is the place like, are we talking average place, or crazy religious nut central? As this all makes a difference on coming out and i could understand your parents response better if you lived somewhere highly religious.
My personal belief is that this is YOUR deal. It's understandable that your parents are concerned with backlash, but they shouldn't hold your sibling's fate (as unlikely as I think the scenario is) over your personal well-being. You aren't randomly picking some person to tell, and simply crossing your fingers that they'll be accepting and tight-lipped. This sounds like somebody who will be supportive, and probably be smart enough to not spread this around. So I'd say go ahead and tell him. And DON'T bother telling your parents you told him. This is your deal. Lex
To answer the question: I live about twenty miles outside of a small town in Montana. It's conservative, not particularly religious but with a vocal religious segment. That segment is what particularly concerns my mother, and my father's just uncomfortable (supportive, but uncomfortable) about my orientation. I don't share their concerns, and I don't think there would be a major backlash, but for the time being I’m willing to bide my time on coming completely out. I like the idea of telling him and not telling my parents about it. It's not my ideal but my ideal's not happening, and this is definitely preferable to the current situation. Thanks a lot - I'll post an update (maybe here, more likely in the "Coming Out Stories" section) when I get it done.
