Do you regret not coming out earlier?

I do have a deep sense of regret for not coming out earlier. I knew I was trans really early on (at least as early as puberty) but I was so far in the closet I was an honorary Narnian.

I didn't come out to my family until recently, a few months after I turned 25. I've already graduated from college, and my group of university queer friends, which was so strong and adventurous and could have been so instrumental in me coming out in our community and having positive experiences - has scattered to the four winds to begin their collective lives. I was away from my family at university, I was surrounded by the LGBTQ community, and I still couldn't come out because I was so horrified at everyone's potential reactions to me being transgendered.

I was surrounded by my "own kind" and two hundred miles from home...it would have been the perfect time to figure myself out. But I was too afraid and secretly homophobic to admit that what was "wrong" with these people (and yeah, that's what I grew up being taught) my friends whom I loved dearly...was also wrong with me. That was more than I had the courage to say. So I didn't say anything, and for ten years I went through cycles of deep depression which put me on the verge of suicide over and over again.

Now I'm back at home in a really conservative town, and in a position where I interact with only one openly gay person on a regular basis (and no lesbians, I've never been acquainted with an openly lesbian/bisexual girl my whole life). If I want to join the LGBTQ community here, I have to suck it up and do it on my own, even though I'm a really shy person.

Coming out literally (as in going out to a gay club on my own to meet people) is really scary to think about, and I am not out to anyone in town whom I could ask to play my wingman.

So do I regret not coming out earlier? Yes. I think if I had come out in high school, I wouldn't have spent so many years so secretly close to taking my own life, and I could be in a steady, affirming relationship right now, at the age when so many of my straight friends are having kids and getting married.

But there are things I don't regret about being closeted that long too though. One of them is that the isolation caused me to bury myself in painting and writing and other solitary activities, so I have gotten really, really good at those two things over the last decade to the point that I've set myself up for a strong professional career in the arts if I chase it.

Another is that I have spent my formative years alone, rather than trying to please others, and so in that I've become good company to myself and good company to others in turn. So even if I'm not in a relationship now, I'm still cool with that and can still accomplish really strong things on my own. I will never be that person who is afraid to eat alone in a restaurant or sits at home by themselves waiting for the phone to ring. I enjoy people, but I can take them or leave them...and even though it lends itself to some commitment phobia, it's a useful attribute to have.

 

Yes definitely. Though I'm not as old as 34 yet, but since I'm not really out yet I feel like I'm still wasting every day that goes by.

 

maverick,

I feel the exact same way about regretting not coming out earlier. I am also 25 and though i still have some school left to finish, i am not currently enrolled. I wish i could have taken advantage of the awesome lLGBT group at UGA, the Lambda Alliance. My sister goes to UGA and she is bisexual/pansexual (i don't really know what it is right now...lol!). She's told me about how helpful they are. I was so scared to tell anyone and kept it in for many years. I just now am telling all my friends and am in the process of telling my family.

 

^ You might want to reread your signature line. "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."

I came out a bit later than most - age 21-22 - but earlier than a few of you. Do I regret it? Not at all. Sometimes I wonder what life would've been like had I done so. I can guarantee I would've gotten laid a lot more. But other than that, no. My life is excellent right now. I've operated under the belief that I should keep my head facing forward. I have stuff behind me that was wonderful, and stuff that wasn't that I hopefully can learn from. But I'm keep facing forward, because that's where all the yet-to-be-decided stuff is that I can still alter. I don't want to miss it because I'm facing the wrong way.

Lex

 

^ yeah! LOL! I probably should. I don't regret my life, but if i could go back, i would come out earlier. I'm happier now than I ever have been. I wish I could fix my signature to where the last line doesn't skip.

 

It's hard to say if I regret not coming out earlier, because I'm very happy right now, and who knows what turns my life might have taken if I'd made different decisions. But I do wonder what it would have been like if I had allowed myself to accept my sexuality at a younger age.

 

YES!! I hate living life with regrets, but by golly, I wish I had come out--at least to myself--while I was still in high school last year. When I was a junior (signing up for colleges), I was still trying to deny that I was gay; hence, the reason why I'm now going to a college that hates me.

I'm just glad I didn't wait until I was a lot older (or, worse yet, never came out at all in my life!).

 

I do. I pretty much new since I was 13 or 14, but since I grew up in a small town and the old gay guy was super flamboyant, I figured I didn't act thatway so I must not be gay. Fast forward to when I was 28, out, and surrounded by younger gay kids who just seem to bve loving life. I do kinda feel like I missed out on a lot stuff not coming out sooner, but there is nothing you or I can do about it. Dwelling on it isn't gonna make it go away, while it does creep up on me from time to time, I mostly just try and live in moment.

 

Coming out has been a good experience and there are times where I'm filled with regret about not doing it earlier. I could have saved myself years of pain and hurt and I would probably be less screwed up now.

But the thing is, that experience is a part of me and has helped to shape who I am. I am someone who is passionate about inclusivity, making sure everyone feels welcome. I know what it is like to feel so lonely such that death seems like an escape, and this has given me incredibly empathy with other people who hurt. The experience has made me a better person.

 

I came out fairly quickly when i realised i was gay, however, i do feel an urge to go back in time and slap myself across the back of the head and say "think about who you like for a second!!!". i mean, 18 isn't ridiculously old, i just think i should have known a lot earlier.

 

I guess I definitely fit the bill as one of the older guys. I did not come out until I was over 40. At times during my coming out process, I lamented over how long I waited. However, I don’t look back now, because I can’t change the past. Dwelling on it will not change it and may only take away from the present. I am now living my life exactly as I would have wanted had I come out earlier. My past is also what made me who I am today, and I would not want to change that.

There are also some practical considerations. Had I come out younger, who knows if I would have survived the AIDS epidemic of the 1980’s. I also would not have had my wonderful kids.

 

I don't really regret not coming out earlier, but I do wonder how my life would have been different (both positive and negative) if I had come out earlier. I also wonder about how many opportunities and friendships I have missed out on because I didn't come out earlier and because I was in denial about not being straight. The previous poster made an excellent point that "Dwelling on it will not change it and may only take away from the present." I try to focus more on the future I can have, instead of having regrets about the past I could have had.

 

To the original poster - thank you for your message. I am not going to be complex here, but my answer is YES to your question. My life has been too emotionally complex to get started on here. I am now 59 and partially out. How my life would have been something different had I been more open and not so closeted all these years. I think my late parents and most of my friends have figured me out.

 

I don't think not coming out earlier is a sign of weakness, really. Coming out and letting people know you're gay changes things, and some people are just more cautious than others, or slower at coming to grips with it.
And I also like to think that people coming out sooner has a lot to do with the support options available. It's easier to be out with allies by your side.
In the '70s and '80s, there was precious little support to be found easily. I probably don't need to remind you that there was no internet. In the early '80s, there was the AIDS scare. Being gay was widely thought of as a mental illness. If you didn't know any out and proud people, I'm having a hard time seeing how just coming out was even possible.
Even when I first realised my attraction to guys (which would have been 1996), there was no internet like we know it today. And no GLBT organisation in highschool to go to. Frankly, had had I not stumbled on a place like EC or similar, I'd probably be engaged to a girl right now. Not out of weakness. Just because being gay wouldn't cross my mind as a realistic option.


As for myself, I came when I was 24-25, so compared to a lot of people, I took my time, but compared to others, that’s still pretty early.
And yes, at some times I do feel regret. While I had my reasons for not coming out in highschool or university, I feel like I missed a ton of opportunities by closeting myself, not in the least by missing out on the opportunity to join the local GLBT groups and meet real-life gay people (and having more time off to do so). I’d probably have been more in tune with my own emotions, instead of stashing them away behind a mental firewall.

On the other hand, though, it’s not as if I ever spent days lying in my bed thinking about being gay (though there was no shortage of turmoil). I just spent my time pursuing other goals. The result being that I’m quite comfortable otherwise. I have a good job, a lot of friends, a place of my own… and none of that is what I’d consider a waste of effort.

I can’t look into a crystal ball and see what I would have done had I been out. I have friends who were out by 17, had wild parties, met tons of gay people… but when I look at them, I’m not so sure I’d switch. They have issues of their own that they struggle with, and being out earlier didn’t change that.

In any case, despite feeling regret every so often, I like where I am in life right now, so I don't think I should regret taking the path that took me here.

 

Like Filip said. I don't think that coming out later is a sign of weakness. This is a completely different time and coming out now is much easier than ever before. At least that's what I have heard. Even with that, it took me various years for me to come out. I don't even think I would have come out if I had been born when the internet wasn't around and if I hadn't known other gay people. Who knows.

I know its not the same by far, but I do regret not coming out earlier. I came out when I was 18 which is young, but I did miss out on being out in high school.

Like everyone else said though. Every single decision you made brought you to where you are now. Or at least thats how I see it.

Everyone has their regrets in life and we can only learn from them. Enjoy your life now and try to not think about it too much

 

I didn't come out until I was 25 (and that thread's archived somewhere on this site).

Do I regret it? Absolutely.

I knew when I was in my mid-teens that I had no interest in girls. My parents had asked me on several different occasions if I was gay. Yet, I could never accept it. Growing up in a small farm town in the '90s and already being a bit of a social outcast drove me toward being really religious, as youth group was somewhere where I could be social and not an outcast. Sadly, it was in a very conservative homophobic church, and all that crap stuck. I stayed focused on coursework in college, and it wasn't until that structure and workload was gone that everything came apart and, after nearly killing myself, finally started addressing stuff that I had pushed down and pushed back for so long.

Do I regret it? You damn right I do! I sometimes think about how high school and college would have gone if I were out. High School was already a waste of four years, so BFD, but college would have been so much different. I could have dodged all of the messiness that the subsequent years were. I could have dodged 2004, the year that was so shitty it took 2005 down with it.

I try not to dwell on it, because everything that's happened is what's made me who I am. Past is prologue, and there's no dodging it if it's already done. You take what's there and use it, shape it, and make it to your advantage. If anything, the storied and tulmultuous events of my past have made me so much stronger, like a quality sword that's been folded and shaped and forged into far more than a show piece that will crumble on its first use.

Do I regret it? I dont know. My life since I came out has been exceptionally good, and when I tell someone that I'm living the dream, I well and truly mean it. Admittedly, a considerable part of that is a drive I have to make sure I don't make the same mistakes again, that I don't let myself get sucked up in something that keeps me from being true to myself, that I don't waste what precious little life we get mired in mediocrity and regret. Life is precious, a massive opportunity to see and do and learn and experience, and really, what the fuck is the point of life if you're not going to live it?

Do I regret it? No. Past is prologue, and I would not be half of who I am today had I taken any of the other branches off of my path. Yeah, there were some real lowlights and dark times, but really, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I absolutely would not trade what I have now or any part of who I am for a do-over.

 

^ This is my experience too, I know a lot of people who "went overboard" when they came out young, and had some really awful experiences with excessive drug use, promiscuity, STDs, bad relationships, etc...

 

Hey im sure exactly what you class as coming out late. I came out at 27 so im guessing I qualify.

Sometimes I think that I wish I had sorted it all out in my head and realised earlier and managed to tell people but then I think you shouldnt have regrets because at the time it was or felt right, who can say if you had come out at an earlier age that it would have all been rosy and you would be in the same place now.
If I had come out earlier I would probably have never found EC or my girlfriend and that would be 2 great things to have missed out on.

 

Yes.
Still struggling a bit with anger for not having figured it out until I was 22 and feeling like I let myself down having needed ten years after that to come out.
I didn't even know there was such a things as bisexuality until ten years ago. I didn't know any LGBT people and there was no visibility to speak of where I lived.
I feel like I have wasted the better part of my life not having a clue and like I have to make up for lost time now. Not the best look on life, but working on it