Abusive Boyfriend

I've had friends that were in relationships like this before. I'm sure others on here will have better experiences to gather advice from, but my opinion is that you should end it and act like he is not good enough for you because he is not. I don't think anyone deserves to be hit by their partner (Disclaimer: I've been in a few fights before, but never out of anger and never with someone I care about). I'm sure your parents/family will be defensive of you, but you can tell them that you are grown and have taken care of it yourself. I don't know of one instance where people that act as you have described your boyfriend have ever changed longterm. Others on this board may have a different opinion, but I can't stand to see abuse. Anyway, hang in there. You will get through it. (*hug*)

 

So sorry to hear your in this situation. In my line of work I see alot of abusive relationships walk through the ER doors. The repetitive nature of abusive relationship always begins with the first time the abused person goes back. I can not stress this enough. Do not go back. What he did is wrong and no one deserves that. There's no doubt that it will be difficult. It sounds as if you have a very supportive family. Let them be there to support you. You stated you know you can't be together anymore which is good. The best thing you can do is cut your ties with him. Tell your family and let them work through this with you. Hold your head up high. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. You are not the first person this has happened to and certainly won't be he last. (*hug*)

 

Welcome to EC! Too bad you had to stumble upon us in tough times, but I hope you'll enjoy your time here nonetheless!

I do think the others are right here. Once he has hit you, the odds of things ever working out have gone down dramatically.
Because, if he sees that begging can get you back, and possibly even that being threatening can get him more attention, then he's going to keep doing that. And while you might hope he'll change, it's unlikely he'll change as long as alternatively fighting and begging keeps working.
So, unfortunately the only way you can be safe, and he can learn from this, is by calling it a day and part ways.

Now, I do consider it important to mention that I don't necessarily think he's a bad guy. Impulsive, posessive, and clingy (and you were probably right at calling him codependant), yes, and nothing can ever justify hitting, but odds are he's not having some nefarious plan here. Just a situation that's going in a different way than he thought it would, which makes him feel powerless and lash out.

Am I right to assume this was his first relationship? Because this is something that occasionally happens: one partner feeling that this is the first, the last and the only chance they have at developing something, so every moment spent apart becomes a drama, and the thought of splitting up becomes a nightmare. In a way, finding out that breaking up didn't kill him might actually allow him to grow a bit.

As for pressing charges and so on... that's your decision, but unless there's medical costs, I'd say leave it be. There is nothing to be gained from it but prolonged nastyness from both sides (well, hard cash is something you can gain, I guess, but I doubt that would make you feel better anyway). And your brother beating him up isn't going to make things one bit better either.
That said, I do think they can help you get through this by being there for you. Just don't let them take any steps you don't want them to take.
As for friends... there's no need to give them all the details. So all they need to know is that there were differences, you failed to get through them, the breakup was rather messy (which would explain the black eye), but bygones are bygones. Opening up just to the friends that are really close can help, though.

When a couple of friends of mine broke up, they just cited: "insurmountable differences", and that was all we got. And I don't begrudge them for keeping the inner workings of their relationship to themselves. If any of your friends have been in relationships themselves, they probably know all too wel there's always more than meets the eye.


Hang in there, things will be allright! (*hug*)

 

I'll put this simply.

GET. OUT. NOW!

Drop him like a bad habit and don't look back. What really happened when he hit you was that he showed his true colours, and you don't deserve that, period.

 

Hes obviously seriously paranoid about you leaving him.

Its going to be hard leaving him after all this time but if you really feel that there is no turning back then its best to get it over and done with as quickly as possible. You should probably do this face to face. Seeing as your family and friends are so intertwined, its best to attempt to stay friends with him to prevent future awkwardness.

 

That sucks that he hit you after a year with no problems, but you said it yourself - there's no way you can be with him after he blacked your eye, and I think that's a very respectable situation to take on the matter.

^ This says to me that this is a repetitive issue that will only get worse, not better. If he hit you once, he will in all likelihood hit you again.

The only way to make people understand that violence against other human beings is unacceptable - even in the "heat of the moment" - is to extricate yourself from those kind of situations and not allow them to happen.

You're worth more than that. You owe it to yourself and to other people to say no.

 

he needs help. However, it is NOT (repeat) NOT your responsibility to see that he gets it.

Beyond that, the rest of the advice has been good so far.

 

I would pick up the closet thing I could find and knock the shit out of him before I'd let him beat me up again.

Just about everything that was said above is correct, do not give this dude the time of day anymore. He has become paranoid and obsessive. Those relationships only cause misery if you stay in them.

 

(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
*hugs tightly*
I'm so sorry for you. I haven't been in an abusive relationship, but one of my friends had a boyfriend who sounds a lot like yours (though the fights never got physical), in the end all they did was fight - him accusing her of not spending enough time time with him or whatever, and her always trying to make it better, to make him happy and not angry, then he would ignore her for hours when she was with him... it was a very sad situation, and as a friend standing by watching it was horrible. But she had to realize herself that it wasn't going to get better, and finally she ended it. So yeah I don't have much advice (the things other people already said sound pretty good) but if you wanna talk about I'm here.

(*hug*)

 

In this case you've got a certified bunny boiler, and all signs point to Get Out. But to throw my two cents in, I don't think getting hit once is a dealbreaker in all cases. Anyone could make a drastic mistake in the heat of the moment, and if a person who was relatively stable hit me as a result of me doing something c**tish, I'd give him another chance if he apologized. But the OP did nothing wrong, and 'Brian' is clearly unpredictable and dangerous, so he needs to go.

 

>>>I don't know what to do.

You do know what to do. You just need somebody to tell you. And we're all saying it.

You two are done. Completely. If you have anything at his place, either go get it or consider it lost. Feel free to send him a text or e-mail saying "I'm sorry, but that's it. We're done." Then block him, defriend him, everything. If anyone asks what happened, just say "We're done." If they want details, say "I'd rather not get into it." If they want to know if he's the one that gave you the black eye, say whatever you want. I might go with "Yep, and that's kind of the reason we're done." Then just leave it at that.

Above all else, remain firm in having no contact with him. Don't let him back in. Don't give him "another chance". Don't give him the opportunity to explain, or to say "he'll change". Because he will - just enough to keep you in his life, while he continues to treat you like shit. Which will almost certainly involve accusations and physical and/or emotional abuse. Keep that wall erected. Talk to other people (or to us) if you have to, but never talk to him again.

Lex

 

I think remaining friends with him, in this situation, is best, is it not? Seeing as his family is so close to the OPs and seeing as him and the OP have the same friends?

 

>>>I think remaining friends with him, in this situation, is best, is it not? Seeing as his family is so close to the OPs and seeing as him and the OP have the same friends?

One thing that people always ask when they hear about abusive relationships is "Why would anyone stay in one?" And the reason is because abusers tend to be excellent manipulators (even if the manipulation is sometimes unconscious). If they hit somebody or acted paranoid on the first date, everybody would steer far clear. But they tend to keep that part of them hidden until the relationship has well-developed. Even after they get abusive (physically or emotionally), they usually are pretty good at convincing people that it was a one-time thing, that they can change, and they're worth giving another chance to. And frankly, they aren't.

To "remain friends" is to give him plenty of opportunities to work that magic. And for the OP to fall under that spell. I don't think it's worth the risk.

Lex

 

Absolutely not. Our OP doesn't have to tell everyone why the relationship ended, but truthfully, if I were in that situation, you damn right I'd tell anyone that would even pretend to listen.

As for our OP, any obligation to defend his (hopefully by now former) BF or obfuscate certain things ended the instant the BF took a swing. If these friends were friends by association, then our OP should feel no obligation at all in this case, or if he does, then I would advise full disclosure. Come right out and say that there was an argument and the BF threw a punch.

 

^ This. I'll give my own personal experience here: I cut ties with a college roommate who tried to literally strangle my best friend to death in a fight once while he was blacked-out drunk (he outweighed my friend by at least forty pounds and stood a foot and a half taller than him). My friend actually stopped breathing and lost consciousness.

I didn't care that it was "probably" a one-time thing, I didn't care that he didn't mean for it to happen or that there were extenuating circumstances, I didn't care what kind of personal problems he was having at the time whatsoever.

All I cared about was the indisputable fact that this otherwise unassuming, funny, intelligent, sensitive guy almost killed my best friend in a drunken rage with little or no provocation. All I know is that me and my best friend had to lock ourselves in a bedroom all night long while our other "friend" beat on the door and methodically shattered every piece of glass in the house - every light, every dish, every drinking glass, every knick-knack - when we wouldn't let him in.

My friend is still dealing with significant psychological trauma from the incident two years later, and I don't blame him - a "friend" and roommate almost killed him after months of escalating verbal and mental abuse leading up to the situation I just described.

So no, I don't tolerate physical aggression in my presence, I will never give anyone a pass for a strike at me or anyone else, and I think it's dumb for anyone else to do it either. I've seen where domestic violence can go, and I've seen that it can come from people you never would have expected it out of.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that people are going to bite my head off for this, but I think you should consider couples counseling. What he did to you was completely fucked up, but you said it was his 1st time doing this. While people are probably going to say "1st time turns into 2nd time which turns into 3rd time" or something, this sounds like it was a serious relationship. If I were in your situation, but I had only been seeing the guy for a few months, I would have been on him like white on rice and called it "self defense" in court, but that's not the case. You guys have been together for a year.

Was this horrible? Yes, but I personally think if you're willing, couples counseling would be a good idea.

*Waits to get head bitten off*
_______________________
This is the first time in an entire year he's ever done this. I'd at least try and get some help. If you are certain you're done with him, leave him.

Once again, I am truly sorry you went through this. Being someone who saw his share of abuse, I can understand why you wouldn't want to stay with him.

 

To our OP-If you decide to try couples counseling, you had damn well better start taking self-defense classes on the side so that WHEN, not if, he flips his shit again that you can take him out before he causes you serious injury. Everything you described is a textbook example of a burgeoning abusive relationship.

Physical violence in a relationship is an unforgivable sin. I love Mr. X dearly, but if he ever punched me, his ass would be out in the cold in a heartbeat, and that would be the end of that. NO ONE deserves to ever be physically attacked by a spouse, period.

 

I completely agree, but despite what people may think, just 'cause he did it once does NOT mean he will feel more comfortable doing it again during the time that you may decide to get into couples counseling. He lost his cool. In fact, I wouldn't even call this an abusive relationship. Was it wrong what he did? Absolutely. Has he done it before or since? Not to our knowledge. Trust me, I feel for you, but I'm giving my honest opinion.

He fucked up....bad. I'm not excusing what he did, but at the same time, he is human. We have all fucked up and done something stupid. That does not mean we have done it again.

It got physical, which is totally wrong, but it is NOT the worst thing that can happen. He fucked up once. You said he's never hit you. He crossed the line big time, but was the relationship serious enough to where you'd want to try and fix it? I'm honestly asking.

I personally think couples counseling would help, IF you want to try and work things out.

 

>>>I completely agree, but despite what people may think, just 'cause he did it once does NOT mean he will feel more comfortable doing it again during the time that you may decide to get into couples counseling. He lost his cool. In fact, I wouldn't even call this an abusive relationship. Was it wrong what he did? Absolutely. Has he done it before or since? Not to our knowledge. Trust me, I feel for you, but I'm giving my honest opinion.

The signs are there. If they were a peaceful loving couple and, out of the blue, he went ballistic, couples counseling might - MIGHT - be an option. But leading up to this event were instances of controlling behavior, angry outbursts, and baseless accusations. All indications point in the same direction - this guy is really bad person to be in a relationship with, no matter what his other traits might be.

If counseling were to be in the cards, I'd say "Tell him to go for several months on his own. Then we'll talk."

Lex