So I fly home for my Christmas visit in a few days. I am only out to roughly 4 people and there was not a single drop of negativity with them. They went out of their way to explain how unimportant it is, but also realizing that to me and who I am, it is a major deal. I was reading some other posts and one mentioned that the mom was fine but then cried for a few days. Well, I have a very tight time line with this visit and I really want to get it all out there, but I don't want to ruin the party! I basically get in late one night and a big party is the next day. I wanted to tell my parents when I get in and then everyone else at the party the next day. Am I setting myself up for failure? I have plenty of suspicions of how they will react but I have seen how wrong I have been in the past about predictions. I sincerely don't want to complete another big family gathering hiding myself. I have done that just long enough, I really don't want to anymore. What are other people's experiences regarding extended family? Obviously your parents are the most likely to really care and be affected but what about the aunts/uncles/etc.? Would anyone care to comment very generally how difficult each group handled the news? I want to scream this to the world so I can get living a truthful, beautiful life. No longer am I hiding anything or dying a little when people question me about relationships. ---------- Post added 13th Dec 2010 at 10:26 PM ---------- I forgot to mention that there are some other groups of people as well but they can be handled much more passively at my own pace.
I understand that it's tempting to just get it out there at the party, but I have to caution against that. Granted, I'm not out to my extended family, but I would avoid coming out in the middle of Christmas dinner because it makes it seem like a much bigger deal than it really is. Unless everyone's reaction is along the lines of, "Oh, okay. Pass the potatoes," an announcement like that could very easily up the drama and make things uncomfortable. What I would do instead is come out to my parents and any extended family members to whom I feel particularly close; then just let them know that it's okay to talk about it with family members who might not know. Of course, if you're really close to a lot of your extended family, it might be better to wait until you can come out in a more intimate manner to individuals or smaller groups. There's never really a good time to come out, but there are times that are worse than others, I think. Like I said, though, my argument is entirely hypothetical and tailored to my family.
I don't think that large family gatherings during the holidays are particularly good times to come out, to be perfectly honest. A lot of people are already stressed out and anxious/upset during the holidays for one reason or another, and this is a stressor that they have absolutely no control over. Your more highstrung relatives might actually have kittens if you do this at or directly before a major social function. My advice is not to do this. I know how excited you are to be "out" to yourself, but it is literally impossible to predict how other people will react to you coming out, no matter how well you think you know them. I never once thought when I came out that I would end up briefly disowned or having to threaten to call the police on my father, but I did end up in both of those situations. Yeah, but other than the possibility of bringing a significant other of the same sex to a holiday gathering, how exactly would you act differently than any other year? You don't have to hide, just be yourself. "That guy's ass is SO hot" is not exactly kosher holiday conversation anyway, so you don't have to hide yourself, just be decorous.
My advice? "Ruin" the party. You've been in the closet long enough. You can tell a few people during the party and let the story spread, or even give a big announcement if you'd like. Lex
If you're going to do it at the party, do it with people one-on-one. Don't "hijack" the thing by making your announcement over the dinner table. Usually one gets an opportunity to talk to individuals at a Christmas party, so do that instead. Making the big dinner-table announcement makes a bigger deal of being gay than it really is.
This party is not a dinner table. It's a big hall with lots of groups spread around. I did picture myself telling small groups at a time. I'm still trying to decide if I should tell my mom now instead of waiting a few days when I get home: "Mom, if I had something important to tell you, where would you prefer it: over the phone, when you pick me up at the airport, or when seated at the kitchen table?" Then she could help guide me. I just think time is so precious here and I want to get this over with. It's destroying me mentally and physically waiting and waiting. The plane ride would be a lot more calm if I knew I had some strong support of my close family--but I will have given up immediate, personal reaction. Granted their reaction might be stronger when they pick me up. No desire to bring someone home yet, I remained inactive until I came out so I have a lot to do before bringing someone home. I have to say that would be amazing to do so though. I am definitely worried about my dad the most. I've overheard both the worst and best possible gay talk and have no idea which he might respond to me with.
Ah, so your family's like mine then, where the "small" side is about 30 people for the party, and when my grandparents on my dad's side celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary (there's the first clue), we literally had to have a convention hall, as there were over 300 people there. SOunds like you've got the gist of the ups and downs of each way. Just a thought, though. If you call and ask "if" you had something big how would she prefer, she's gonna know something's up. Basically, if you call, you're 99 percent surely coming out over the phone. Both ideas seem perfectly valid to me, so I guess you'll have to call it, whether you think your parents will need a couple extra days before the family function, or whether they'll need the personal direct interaction the night before. Either way, I hope it goes swimmingly for you!
I already figured that out too...if I had something. lol. I want to scream that my parents already very highly suspect but I've been way wrong on perceptions before. Maybe after work today I could call. I definitely only want my mom on the phone but maybe it would be better if someone else was home, just somewhere else. Oh.... ANOTHER HUGE advantage would be that I could call a few of my extended family leaders (parents) and tell them after I told my mom/parents. This way everyone would have some time and I could skip the whole party in the worst case scenario.
