So I'm a senior in high school. Basically, within the context of my school, I've written a mildly controversial essay about homosexuality--basically arguing for openness as we as a school discuss the issue. The great irony, of course, is my own lack of openness-- I am not "out." This, combined with some other related issues, has left me feeling uncomfortable and uncertain. I'll try to be brief. In response to the wave of gay suicides in the US in September, students and teachers in my school started an anti-bullying movement. The response was disappointing for me because it completely erased the presence issue of homosexuality from what was, in my opinion, largely a gay issue. About a month ago, I wrote an essay on a whim, explaining my disappointment, saying that our school needs to break the silence surrounding homosexuality and for once talk about it. I sent it to about 20 classmates on Facebook who asked to see it and got a lot of responses--one of them offered to publish it in the school newspaper, so I guess it'll be coming out in a few weeks. It's kind of a big deal because a lot of people are very attached to the movement I criticized, and the teacher who started the movement is writing an essay in response to appear next to mine, etc... Anyway, every time I think about it, I feel horrible. I'm not at all afraid of people knowing I support gay rights (this is something I've been pretty vocal about for a long time). But as people commend my essay, or argue against it (I kind of love my school ), or invite me to GSA, or ask me if they can show my essay to so-and-so, or if I'll read my essay at such and such an event... I just want to shrink away. In the essay I wrote that we should face homosexuality with "courage and candor" and all sorts of neat pretty words like that, but... why can I not do what I write? Do I have a moral obligation to come out? I think if I were living the best life I could then, yes, the morally best thing is to come out. But there are other things preventing me from coming out, other issues tangled up with this, and frankly I'm not ready to come out. So sometimes wonder if it would be better never to have written those words at all, because their existence makes me a hypocrite. But I believe them, and I want people to believe them, I'm just afraid. It's all just a silly high school essay... but it makes me disgusted with myself. And more than that it makes me want to recant, to shrink back, to show the essay to no one else... because if it weren't for the essay, I wouldn't be in this position of "responsibility" where I feel obligated to practice what I preach. So why am I not out? Probably the most important factor is my cowardice. Basically, last year I was kind of in love with a friend. It was bad because we had this joke that we were lovers, which I think predated my crush--so we were always stroking each other's hair and touching each other's hands and writing love letters and whatnot. Which, frankly, I enjoyed. See, if it weren't for that I know she'd be the first person I'd come out to, without a question. But I can't get over the conviction that I betrayed her trust, by continuing the joke after it became somewhat real to me. I know that telling her will place a strain on our friendship and, well--we only have a few more months together, and I'm a senior, I don't want that (not to mention unsettling my whole friend group's dynamic). Another factor is self-consciousness.... especially now that I've become so vocal about accepting homosexuality it just seems so... embarrassing to admit that I've failed to come out for years. And I'm embarrassed to admit that my interest in gay rights is probably much more self-centered than it would appear now. And finally, I'm not sure how to label my sexuality, except that I'm not entirely straight. This is actually a big issue for me. I think I'm definitely romantically attracted to women but sexually I... don't know. So I don't even know what I would come out as, which makes the whole thing seem a lot more complicated. Thanks for reading through all that. Advice, sympathy, or whatever would be hugely appreciated. Plus it's good just to be able to write it all out.
Welcome to EC! You've got a couple issues running together (although interconnected), but I'll try to address them all. First off, no, you're not a hypocrite. Not in my eyes, anyway. Because you're kind of talking about two different issues. One is personal - you being gay, being closeted, not telling anybody, and wondering whether to keep this completely under wraps. The other is more topical - it's discussing homosexuality in general. It's something straights AND gays (even closeted ones) can participate in. One can be supportive of the gay cause from within the closet. I'd say that coming out would make the support that much stronger, but that doesn't mean it's something you have to do. Coming out is a personal process that's best done when each person is ready. And if you're not ready, there's no reason to try to push that. As it stands, chances are people are going to wonder about your sexuality as this essay becomes common knowledge. It's human nature. Some actors have pointed out that, when they play the role of a murderer (even routinely), nobody seems to think they're a murderer in real life, but if they play the role of a homosexual, suddenly, that's somehow proof positive that they are one. You might downplay that buzz, or ignore it, or even ride it if you feel up to it. But I would expect some response along those lines. I don't necessarily think anyone will ask you pointblank, but I'm betting a few people will start wondering. Next up, about your friend. I wouldn't panic about it. You may have felt it more than she did, but you apparently never pushed too hard. You probably never made her do anything she wasn't comfortable doing. And as such, she probably won't be utterly freaked when you come out. It may make her see the things you did in a new light, but I don't think she'll feel weirded out about it - most people in these situations generally consider the attention somewhat of a compliment. And I don't think anybody will think you a coward for staying closeted so long. Most people are instinctively aware that it isn't easy to come to grips with an alternate sexuality, and it can take years to really become sure of what you are. And even on the off chance that somebody DOES think it cowardly of you...so what? THEIR opinion doesn't factor into this. This is YOUR sexuality, YOUR deal, and you shouldn't have to deal with anybody's timetable but your own. Lex
